Beating The Odds

                                                      Beating the Odds
Have you ever faced a challenge when you knew odds were stacked against you? How about a time when you had to take some action or make a decision when the possibility of failure would be devastating. For me, deciding how to treat prostate cancer was an example of this. I beat the odds in that I chose a course of treatment that cured me.
 For someone else, the challenge might be working up the courage to ask someone on a date, or to marry you. There are many times in life we are up against a choice of whether we will take a risk in order to beat the odds that we know in advance are stacked against us. When we purposefully go against those odds, we take the risk knowing if we fail we will suffer a costly loss, financially, relationally, emotionally, or otherwise.

When my wife and I began writing “I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where’s Yours?”
our mutual goal was to share our personal experiences in order to help other couples face this disease. 1 in 6 men will receive a diagnosis of prostate cancer in their lifetime. Approximately 240,000 men received this diagnosis last year.

As we were writing this book together, I didn’t realize I had a much better chance of being cured of cancer than I did writing a successful book.

Today 10/30/12 I read I this:
… the statistics for self-publishers prove dismal. The largest author services companies report: An average of 100 copies sold per title. 14.3% of authors sell more than 200 copies. 3.4% of authors sell more than 500 copies. (Marvin Cloud written in:
http://www.bookcatcher.com/articles/do-you-know-what-it-takes.php
(accessed 10/31/2012)
This means 96.6% of those who self-publish their books sell 500 copies or less. Clearly the odds are against us. We invested $6,000 purchasing an editorial and publishing package from Westbow Press. To design our website: whereisyourprostate.com we spent another few hundred dollars. We stand to lose $5,000 or more if our experiences are within the statistical norms.

That’s one way to assess the odds of whether we will succeed or fail. Fortunately our faith gives us an entirely different way to view our situation. If you are able to view the same situation with the eyes of faith, your worldview is turned upside down.

I’ll use an event in the bible to illustrate my point.  Imagine 2 powerful nations are aligned against one another in battle.  You are with your family and loved ones. You must make an important decision and the stakes are very high. One of these nations is going to lose the battle. You must chose which nation you, your family and loved ones will go to for protection. If you choose the losing side you and everyone you love will be slaughtered.

The battle between these nations will be decided on a fight between 2 people. One nation sent their mightiest warrior. He is 9 feet tall. He is wearing 125lbs of armor and a helmet of bronze. His spear is approximately 8 feet tall with a 10lbs tip. He carries a shield and a sword.

Against this mighty warrior, the opposing nation sends out a youth who is by trade, a shepherd. He has no armor or any experience in battle. His only weapon is a slingshot. Before this battle begins, it’s up to you to choose which nation you will rely on to protect you and your loved ones. Choose wrongly, you and everyone you love dies with you.

Common sense would lead you to believe the giant has to win and lead you to go to his nation for protection. Here’s the problem with that choice.

The tall guy’s name is Goliath, The small guy is David. As they face each other the big guy Goliath says:
And the Philistine said to David, "Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and the beasts of the field!" (1 Sam 17:44)

David says this to Goliath:

You come to me with a sword, with a spear, and with a javelin. But I come to you in the name of the LORD of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you and take your head from you.
(1 Sam 17:45-46)

Both men are confident of their victory. If you only see the world through the eyes of common sense and logic, you’d side with Goliath. If you see the world through the lens of faith, David is your man.

Brenda & I see our world filtered by our faith. Despite the awful odds we believe we can and we will beat those odds. Time will tell.

Becoming unstuck with small beginings

  Luke 13:18-19
What is the kingdom of God like? And to what shall I compare it?  It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and put in his garden; and it grew and became a large tree, and the birds of the air nested in its branches."

When starting out a new project, investment, business or any endeavor, I prefer instant success. When a great new movie is released, I’m delighted when box office records are broken on the first weekend after the movie is release. I’m not as big a fan of small, slow steps along a path that takes time in order for the journey to yield success.

Jesus compared the kingdom of God to a mustard seed, which is about this size: (.)
How does it grow? It’s grows gradually. Not only that, certain conditions must be met in order for any tree to grow. The soil must contain the right nutrients. The tree must receive the right amount of mositure and sunlight in order to thrive.

What’s that mean to me. It means there are many important things in life that must start off the size of a mustard seed. Certainly our emotional and intellectual abilities start off small. Just like a mustard seed, it isn’t only the passage of time that matters. I’m 60 years of age. Unfortunately, there are times I act as if I’m 3. All of us know someone who routinely acts well below their chronological age every day of their lives. It’s very possible to get stuck in such a way the passage of time doesn’t matter.
In 1 Cor 3:2-3 Paul says to members of the Church:
I fed you with milk and not with solid food; for until now you were not able to receive it, and even now you are still not able; for you are still carnal.

No matter our age, we don’t start on the journey of faith as an adult ready for solid food. We start as a spiritual babies needing milk.  Paul knew those he wrote to were stuck. Enough time had past where they should have matured to the point where they were ready for solid food, but they lacked the capacity to receive it.

From this passage, I’ve learned how important it is to FREQUENTLY ask yourself this question in many difference contexts. I’m trying to build some anticipation and excitement as I delay posing the question. It’s a simple question. It may disappoint you once you hear it. It won’t disappoint you if you put the question into the right context. “Here’s the question: Am I stuck?”  That doesn’t appear to be a life changing question, but it has the potential to become one if asked in the right context. Some examples:
1. Am I stuck emotionally? Or Am I growing and demonstrating evidence of that growth
2. Am I stuck relationally? Are there destructive patterns I get stuck in, do I involve myself with the same type of destructive people?
3. Am I stuck professionally? Am I using my God given talents and abilities to the fullest?
4. Am I stuck in anger or bitterness? If so, what do I need to let go of and who do I need to forgive?
5. Am I stuck in destructive patters of relating to the people I love or who love me?
6. Am I stuck spiritually-Is my life bearing the fruit of my age, experience and wisdom, have I grown the knowledge of our Lord, or am I stuck.
7. Am I stuck because I haven’t done something the Lord has called me to do?
8.  Am I stuck with old voices in past defining who I am, so I can’t become who God wants me to be.

These are potentially life-changing questions.  Since my diagnosis of prostate cancer Brenda & I know what it’s like to be stuck in destructive relational patterns. We recently returned from an amazing vacation,which helped us become unstuck. After you read this, be challenged to find the areas of life you’ve been stuck at. I hope you’ll leave me some comments to tell me about them and what you plan to do to get yourself unstuck.

I Hate Waiting

I hate waiting for anything. I realize this hatred is irrational. If I were responsible to drive to my own execution, I’d be in the left lane trying to pass everyone to get there as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately for me much of life consists of waiting. It’s seems like you can’t do anything without waiting. Some examples:
1. Waiting for a computer to load up
2. Waiting for the cold water in sink to get hot
3. Buying a movie ticket
4. Waiting to check out in a department or grocery store
5. Waiting for a red light to change.

Some waits are developmental in nature:
1. Waiting to be old enough to get a learners permit
2. Waiting to be old enough to drink
3. Waiting to be old enough to vote
4. Waiting for a baby to be born

Some waits are difficult or frightening:
1. Waiting in an ER to find out if they can save a loved one’s life
2. Waiting for biopsy results
3. Waiting to find out if you got into your first choice college.
4. Waiting to find out if you got your dream job
5. Lying in bed waiting to fall asleep
6. Waiting for test results (Like PSA tests)
6. Waiting for an answer to a prayer

I’m an equal opportunity waiter. I hate them all. God has a different view on waiting. He says:
(Isa 40:31 NKJ)
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.

Some day when I grow up, and I hope that comes soon, because I’m 60, I want to learn how to wait like that.

Reactions to the Call

                                   

Often a tragic event leads a person in a direction and ministry that given a choice, they’d decline the call to ministry. Two examples are: Candy Lightner who founded MADD in 1980 after her daughter, Cari, was killed by a repeat drunk driving offender and John Walsh who started America’s Most Wanted, after his son Adam Walsh was murdered.

 For me, three of the most interesting calls to service are found in the bible. First there’s Moses. He received a call to go Egypt to tell Pharaoh to let God’s people go. Moses immediate response was to make excuses why he couldn't do what God was asking of him.. He expressed concern the people wouldn’t believe him or listen to his message. After Moses witnessed God perform two miracles, he was not impressed. He said he was not eloquent, and that he was slow in speech. He concluded he was the wrong man for the job, then he asked God to send someone else.

Second, was Jonah, who received a call to go to Nineveh to warn them of God’s judgement. Jonah didn’t want anything to do with Nineveh. He decided he’d refuse the call. He hopped aboard a ship to Tarshish, which was in the opposite direction of where God wanted him to be.

Third was Gideon, whose call came from an angel of the Lord. His first response was to call himself the runt of liter and disqualify himself from the task of saving Israel from the hand of their enemies the Medianites. Though he was speaking to angel of the Lord, he asked for not one, but two signs before he'd have enough faith  respond to his call to service, which was to defeat the Medianites in battle.
Each of these great men of faith received a call from the Lord and initially rejected the call to service.

I discovered there’s a little of Moses, Jonah, and Gideon in me. When I experienced the call to write a book I was horrified. The Jonah in me flat out responded by saying “I’m not writing a book” I’ll write a diary instead. The Moses in me gave many excuses ranging from my lack of time, skills and talent to complete the task. When I discovered the average self published book sells between 100-150 people, which consisted mostly friends and family, the Gideon in me asked for a sign. I wanted my on line diary to have some measure of success before I began writing a book.

Ironically, as that began to happen, I kept moving the line forward. Once my the diary had a few hundred hits, I began writing, the book. However, as I looked at the book as a business investment I realized a few hundred books wouldn’t cover the cost of publication. So I moved the target to 1,000 hits before I’d seriously begin writing again.  After the diary had a thousand hits, I moved it to 2,000, then 5,000 hits. When the diary received 5,000 hits I wasn’t happy, but I resumed work on the book. When my diary reached 10,000 hits I stopped making excuses. After 15,000 hits I began experiencing excitement. After my diary reached 20,000 hits I decided (Mark 10:27)… for with God all things are possible.

In order to bring this book to the market place, a few things had to happen:
1. I needed to take time to live out and experience many of the challenges of post surgery life. It was necessary for me to make many mistakes and unhealthy choices. I'd need to find my way back to health, so  I could write about those topics with the voice of experience.
2. I had to earn enough money to invest a minimum of $5,000 for professional editing
3. I needed my wife to write about her experiences, so a woman’s perspective would be included
4. I had to find Christian publishing company to edit and produce the book
5. I had to accept the fact I make so many errors,  that paying for professional editing was a necessary cost I
     could not avoid.
6. I had to change my definition of success. My model was a business model. With that model in place, the
    book would be a success if  I made a good return on the investment. From God’s perspective the book
    would be a success if I was  faithful with the project. This meant if the book didn't sell a single copy, but I
    was faithful with the project, then from a heavenly perspective, the project was a success. The return on
    investment was not a Godly criterion for success.
7. I needed to learn prayer would play a vital role in this project from beginning to the end.
8. It is necessary to conquer my fears. There is no doubt in my mind that after publication, my book will
    provide opportunities to speak to large groups of people. The Moses, Jonah and Gideon in me are
    unanimous in their objection to this call.
9. Like Moses, Jonah, and Gideon, after expressing doubts, objections and fears, it’s necessary to accept
    the call, accept the challenges, and do exactly what God wants me to do.

At this point in time, the book is in the hands of the editorial staff of Westbow Press. In a few months, I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where’s Yours? will be published.  Then the next phase of the journey will begin.

Manhood Vs Prostate Cancer

                                                    Manhood vs Prostate Cancer

A man’s sense of being a man takes a major hit once his catheter is removed following surgery.
Based on my experiences following surgery I discovered how just how fragile my sense of manhood was.

After my catheter was removed, I became a leaking faucet. I was constantly dripping urine. I vividly remember staring at myself in the mirror the first night I wore a diaper. I saw myself in the bathroom mirror. Staring back at me was a balding man with gray sideburns. I remember staying to myself “You are one big baby” and that’s exactly how I felt. Within a few days I gave myself a contemptuous baby name. In my mind I referred to myself as “The Squirter” It was difficult to think of myself as an adult. As I saw myself in diapers, I looked and felt infantile. Even in public, where no one could possibly know I was in diapers, I felt like a fraud. I was so self-conscious, It felt as though I huge sign on my back saying “I can’t control my bladder, so I’m wearing diapers.”

Adding to my humiliation, was the fact it took me a long time to figure out how frequently to change my diaper. Many public outings ended prematurely, because I’d leaked through my diaper and soaked my pants with urine. This added additional shame and humiliation. I felt like a man-sized baby. It would take 25 diaper changes a day for me to keep my clothing urine free. My whole life revolved around staying dry and changing diapers. To say I hated my life and what I’d become, “the squirter” would be an understatement.

Once I achieved some level of urinary control, I was faced with the reality that erections and spontaneous sex was no longer possible. For me, erectile dysfunction was going to be a long term issue post surgical issue. I gave up my baby name and baby identity. I assumed a new name and identity. I became “Rick the eunuch”. Not only was I incapable of having sex, I decided I wanted avoid it at all costs. Sadly as Rick the eunuch I gave up all forms of affection. Holding hands, kissing, back rubs, everything associated with physical pleasure were bitter reminders of the fact I had erectile dysfunction. I became physically isolated from my wife.

Once I learned about the possibility of developing a venous leak, which would lead to life long erectile dysfunction, I decided to learn how to perform penile injections. Penile injections worked, but gone was the need for some type of mental or physical stimulation to get an erection. I now became “Rick the mechanical man”. Penetration was only possible with an injection. I was now injection dependent in order to maintain our sex life.

When injections stopped working, I resumed my identity as “Rick the eunuch” A few months later I began responding to ED medication, and took on a new identity as “Rick the Drug Dependent man.” With this identity both physical and mental stimulation was necessary. With both present, I still was unsuccessful more than half the time. My sense of confidence and manhood plunged to zero.

Very recently, 16 months post surgery my wife and I had our first successful experience with intercourse without needles, or medication. I hadn’t realized how heavy a burden I was carrying until it was taken off my shoulders. The bible says in Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. (KJV)

My heart was sick, and my sense of manhood went out the window the long ago. I’d lost all hope of experiencing spontaneous sex ever again. Then the unexpected happened. My sense of hope was restored.

Looking back, I wish I’d had a different perspective from the start of this journey. Losing urinary control, having to wear diapers, and suffering from ED did not cause me to lose my sense of manhood. I gave that away.

If I had re-do, I’d think of myself as a soldier in the battle against prostate cancer. Each of those issues, losing urinary control, wearing diapers, and erectile dysfunction would be seen as war injuries, requiring rehabilitation. As a soldier, I had successfully accomplished my mission. I went through surgery and was cured of prostate cancer. The war injuries along the way were a necessary price to pay to win the war.  Viewing my situation from that perspective would have allowed me to maintain my sense of manhood throughout this long ordeal. I hope others traveling this path will learn from my mistakes.





                                                                                     

Sex vs Prostate Surgery

                                                Sex Vs Prostate Surgery

On my website, whereisyourprostate.com I asked men what's the worst life change brought about by surgery. While my sample is still small, I believe I'll have the same results when a thousand men respond. The majority of men list erectile dysfunction as the worst life change.

It will take determination and persistence to treat ED during the 18-24 months it will take for the nerve bundles to heal. Unfortunately many men are so embarrassed by this problem, so they refuse to seek medical help. Other men become so depressed regarding their inability to have an erection, they withdraw, both physically and emotionally from their spouse.  

For those of us determined to resume sexual intercourse after surgery despite erectile dysfunction, we will land in one of two groups. The first group of men will respond to ED medication. The second group consists of men who will not respond to any ED medication.

I landed in the second group of men. My experiences with penile injections are detailed in my soon to be released book, I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
After penile injections mysteriously stopped working, I switched back a second time to ED medication hoping to find one that would work.

Finding the correct medication was a long, difficult and painful challenge. There are side effects to each medication that can make sex very unappealing, undesirable, and something to avoid.  For example, one brand gave me such a painful migraine headache, that I swore I'd give up sex forever before  I'd ever take that medication a second time. Another medication gave me such severe back pain that I couldn't walk the next day without using a cane. This was another unacceptable side effect. A third medication caused nighttime stuffiness that made it difficult to breathe at night. Antihistamines were of little or no help. Each time I'd take this medication I knew I'd be up more than once during the night struggling to breathe.  If that wasn't bad enough, success was not guaranteed.  Sometimes I'd achieve a usable erection, other times I wouldn't. There was no way to know in advance, whether the medication would work, or fail.

My confidence in the bedroom plummeted to zero. The association between sex and pleasure dissolved. The only thing I knew for certain after taking ED meds was I'd be up multiple times during the night struggling to breathe.  Rather than anticipate sexual experiences with pleasure, I wanted to avoid them like the plague.

Physically, I shut down. I purposely avoided all forms of physical affection. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, all were things of the past. I didn't want any reminders that I lost my ability to become aroused. I felt as if I'd become a eunuch. I'd lost both my desire and ability to experience sexual intercourse. I became deeply withdrawn and depressed. This had an awful effect on my sense of manhood, my self-esteem and my marriage.

Most men believe like I did, that the battle was primarily against prostate cancer. I had no idea another and just as challenging a battle was on the horizon. Finding a satisfactory and mutually enjoyable post surgical sex life was more difficult and took longer than the battle against prostate cancer.

For men and couples struggling to find a way to enjoy post surgical sex, know the path your on is difficult. Embarrassing, as this is to talk about, it’s important to find other men and couples further along the journey. I found on-line support groups vitally helpful. So much so, that I began one for men coping with post surgical issues. It’s located at:
http://whereishisprostate.freeforums.org/index.php

It's new, but up and running. You can be one of the first to join me in discussing these and other post surgical issues. 

Laughter Vs Cancer

When I was younger my dad use to sing the lyrics from “Love & Marriage” which the lyrist wrote “go together like a horse and carriage”. The word cancer is rarely paired with laughter or humor. When I was first diagnosed with prostate cancer, I knew humor would play a vital role in my healing. So I made it a point to go on-line and find prostate cancer jokes.
Two of my favorite jokes were
Doctor: I've got your test results and some bad news. You have prostate cancer and Alzheimer's.
Man:  That’s great news! I was afraid I had prostate cancer.  

Doctor: (After performing a digital rectal exam tells his patient) I’ve got bad news for you. I felt a suspicious lump and I am ordering a biopsy.
Patient: I’d like you to repeat the exam using a different finger.
Doctor: Why should I do that?
Patient: Because I’d like a second opinion.

These jokes had the desired effect. Staring cancer in the face (or my case my backside) I laughed. I knew I’d cope with prostate cancer much better if I could find things that were funny along this journey. When it was time to find a title for my book I wanted it to be humorous.

Coming up with a humorous title was too challenging a task for me to accomplish alone, so I asked for help through prayer.  The title “I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where’s Yours? was an answer to my prayer. When I tested this title on men with prostate cancer, their first reaction was to laugh. It’s my belief if a man newly diagnosed with prostate cancer can laugh at the title of my book, the first step toward emotional healing began before the first page was read.      

Unfortunately, a few weeks after surgery, I had an experience which I refer to as the day the laughter died.  After my catheter was pulled, I found myself without any urinary control. I was doing very poorly with learning how to live in adult diapers. More than once I’d go some place only to find a short time later I’d leaked through my diaper and wet my pants.

One day my wife and I were at the mall. I felt my legs feeling wet. I looked down at my shoes. I stared down in horror when I realized they were wet with drops. It looked like I’d been walking in the rain. Unfortunately, it wasn’t raindrops soaking my sneakers. It was urine. I told Brenda “It’s time to go home.” I left the mall humiliated. I decided that was the end of my leaving the house. For the next month I stayed at home. I refused to go anywhere. I didn’t want visitors. I didn’t want to talk with any one. I wanted to be left alone.

In self-imposed isolation, I began sinking deeper and deeper into a major depression. Nothing was funny. I’d lost my ability to laugh. I hated my life, which consisted of changing my diaper twenty five times a day. I thought choosing surgery was the worst decision I’d made in my lifetime. I closed my mind to the possibility of ever enjoying my life again.

It took a Charley Brown comic to bring a smile to my face. Brenda told me about a comic where Charley Brown talked about learning to hate one day at a time. My own hatred of my life spanned decades into the future. The idea of hating one day at a time represented a healthy shift in my thinking. In fact the comic reminded me of this bible verse:
Matt 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble (NKJ).

Even though I stopped projecting my despair decades into my future, my depression would continue for many more months. Even though the dark times continued on, I experienced a lightening of the load as I learned to hate one day at time. An important additional blessing occurred. I began to laugh again.
My recommendation to anyone facing cancer is find as many things as you can to laugh about. Rent funny movies, tell jokes, invite your humorous friends to a party. Take time to surround yourself with people you can laugh with.

Prov 17:22 says: A merry heart does good, like medicine. (NKJV) As a bible believing Christian I’m gratified to say thousands of years before science proved this to be true, God told us it was.