Changing Relationships

 My relationship with my wrist brace is complicated. When I went to my Doctor complaining of wrist pain, he ordered me this custom fitted wrist brace. At the time, I was grateful and eagerly wore it. Within a month my pain was gone!

I put my wrist brace on a shelf as if it were a trophy. 

When the pain returned six months ago, I had serious doubts as whether the pain would vanish a second time. My doubt turned into the certainty about surgery, when my level of pain remained the same whether I wore the brace or I didn’t.

At that point I became resentful of the brace, and wore it as little as possible; only during bouts of intense pain.

As we were RVing certain tasks became impossible for me to do. Things like connecting or disconnecting the water hose. Fortunately I had a plier, which I used to tighten and loosen hose connections. At that point I became resentful. 

It didn’t matter whether I wore the brace or not, I was unable to tighten or loosen the hose. I actually spoke to my brace, and called it USELESS. If I wasn’t a hoarder, and my wife wasn’t a nurse, I would have tossed it out. I considered it to be a worthless piece of trash.

At home, I discovered playing fetch with my pups, that throwing a ball was way too painful. I tried wearing my wrist brace. Low and behold playing fetch became a pain free event.

Two things occurred to me with that success. One involved hoarding. 

•I decided it makes perfect sense NEVER to throw anything out if there is even a remote chance you’ll use it again.

•I learned that something I considered useless can become highly valued. So much so, I now wear my brace most of the day, and all through the night.

Once I knew I had a date for surgery, my relationship with my brace took a nose dive. I happily started a countdown for my wrist brace departure date. I couldn’t wait to rid myself of my brace. I found myself considering the possibility of a wrist brace goodbye party, where the guest of honor (the brace) would end up in a garbage pail.

Then my surgery was postponed for a week. During that week, Governor Newsom put Stanislaus County on lockdown. I’m uncertain whether elective surgeries are allowed or whether they’ve been canceled. I’m going to call the Surgery Center on Monday to find out. I could have called on Friday, but I wanted to remain hopeful throughout the weekend. 

Monday I’ll deal with reality. Why Monday? “Because rainy days and Mondays always get me down.” ~The Carpenters~

And

“Monday, Monday, can't trust that day Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way.” ~The Mamas & the Papas~So there’s no better day than Monday to get bad news.

In the meantime, I’ve decided once again, the wrist brace and I are constant companions, both day and night. Never, ever, will I entertain the notion of throwing it out. It’s too valuable, and who knows, I might need it again. From trophy to worthless piece of trash, back to treasure, then treasure to trash, and back again to treasure.

As I said, my relationship with my wrist brace has been long term, (six months) and complicated.

Writing about my relationship with my wrist brace provided me with an epiphany. I realized my complicated relationship with my brace has many similarities to relationships with people, especially when it comes to coping with cancer.

Coping with cancer is a life changing event, that most healthy friends and family won’t ever understand. Sometimes it’s tempting in moments of disappointment, frustration, anger, or upon hearing a thoughtless remark, to rid yourself of long term friendships, with family and friends.

My one piece of advice is simple.

DON’T DO IT.

Take a break if need be, change your level of sharing or expectations, but do not toss folks out of your life over a single disappointment, or unmet need, or expectation. That’s true in every relationship, whether cancer is involved or not.

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are:  

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

Faith-What it Can & Cannot Do

Today I felt an (unwanted) call to share my medical history on different Facebook pages to emphasize different aspects of my faith.

There are things that faith can do in the face of illness, and things that faith cannot do.

It’s important to know this. 

For example faith doesn’t take away chronic pain, emotional pain, relational struggles, or protect you from the devastating effects of sleep deprivation.

I’ll never forget a day after months of severe sleep deprivation I had no strength to get of my bed. When Brenda saw me making a feeble attempt to leave the bed she asked: What do you think you are doing?

Me: I’m getting ready to go to work.

Brenda: No you’re not. You are staying in bed!

Me: I’m going to work because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Brenda: That’s not what the verse means. Now stay in bed.

(And I did, even though, at that time, I seriously believed that verse would turn me into Superman) Except, it didn’t!

Coping with chronic  illnesses, quality of life issues and caretaking takes its toll, on individuals, on a couple, on their relationship, and the family.

All the faith in the world won’t keep a marriage together if one or both partners become, overwhelmed, isolated, depressed, angry, and self destructive and/or relationally destructive.

Drugs and/or alcohol abuse can also devastate the lives and relationships of folks with great faith. 

We’ve discovered another issue that makes it difficult to cope. Faith does NOT immunize you from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

We know something about this, because we’ve lived that reality.

We are now hard wired, and susceptible to repeated episodes of PTSD, when faced with trigger events.The simple surgery I’m having in November has triggered PTSD in both of us. 

The duration, and intensity, may vary, but PTST is real, and impactful. Our faith isn’t a magic wand that makes this go away

Our marriage would not have survived my medical history if we hadn’t sought outside marital counseling.

The list I’m about to share has impacted my life for decades upon decades, and it isn’t even complete.

From a standpoint of faith, one might wonder if God is so good, how/why does He allow such suffering. 

Many folks get stuck and turn their backs on God as a result of personal suffering or witnessing the suffering of others.

For me, every illness injury, disease, and surgery, is a reminder this body is only a TEMPORARY home.

Some day, sooner than later, I’ll occupy another body which is not subject to illness, injury or disease, in a place where:

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

~ Revelation 21:4~

Every piece of my medical history makes me long for that day, and I suspect will increase my sense of gratitude for being there. 

Two more observations:

•Growing old isn’t for sissies.

•Never take a healthy, pain free day for granted.

So here are some of my surgeries:

•Appendectomy 

•Prostatectomy 

•Cholecystectomy 

•Right hernia

•Left hernia

•Right Rotator Cuff

•Right Carpel Tunnel 

•Left Carpel Tunnel (In Nov)

•Right Toe Joint Replacement

•Right and left eye cataract surgery 

•Penile Implant

•Nissen fundoplication

•Multiple neural ablations

Then there are diseases which impacted me for days, weeks, months, or years, and can re-emerge at any time.

•Interstitial cystitis

•Benign positional vertigo

•Plantar fasciitis

•Bile acid malabsorption

•Prostate Cancer

•Sleep apnea

It’s simply amazing to me that as I write this, I’m on my exercise bike, doing my ten mile a day routine, and I’m able to enjoy my life, basking in God’s gracious hand.

Today my wife and I are planning a picnic in Knights Ferry, hoping to see the salmon swimming up stream.

God is good! 

Life Is Like A Box of Biscuits

The Life Lessons I’ve learned from four boxes of Dog biscuits.

Lesson #1

Know what the heck you’re ordering on the internet. I thought I was ordering one box of biscuits. Apparently I ordered four!

As I opened the first box of biscuits, I  was astounded by the number of biscuits in each box.

Multiply that by the fact I break most biscuits, not all, into a minimum of four pieces I thought each box would last a few years.

For weeks on end I’d take out a handful biscuits, and it seemed it never made a dent in how many biscuits I had left in the box.

Three months later, I was shocked to discover I was down to my last biscuit! 

The idea I had enough biscuits to last a decade quickly gave way to reality.

Forest Gump said:

 “My momma always said that life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

Today I decided :

My life was like a box of biscuits. 

In the beginning, (in my youth) it seemed like I had an endless supply of biscuits (days left to live.)

Now, not so many.

For the last two decades of my life, I’ve probably had over a dozen medical issues that could have killed me or rendered me permanently disabled. I’ve had more than seventeen surgeries.

If you met me on the street you’d never know, or see any residual effects of every illness, disease, and surgery, that our Lord has brought me though.

Lesson #2

Obviously, this can’t go on forever.  I have a designated time to meet my Maker, and the time for that meeting gets closer every day.

I may not be down to the last biscuit in the box, but it surely feels I’m getting close.

It’s a profound mistake to live your life thinking you have an endless supply of days, (biscuits in your box)

The Bible says:

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

~ Psalm 90:12~

In other words, no matter your age, there’s a certain amount of wisdom you’ll miss, if you don’t live your life with the realization your box of biscuits (days) is not endless.

This last biscuit in the box brought that reality home to me in a powerful way.

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are: 

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

https://amzn.to/2TLTiRQ

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

http://bit.ly/34DL14W

Rick & Brenda share their experiences coping with four devastating years of erectile dysfunction which led to a loss of self-esteem, and marital conflict.

Additionally, we share why we chose to seek professional help to save our marriage. Last but not least we provided a detailed account of how and why we went the penile implant route, and how that changed everything. This is a life changing book. 

Don’t take my word for it, read the Amazon reviews.

The title of their second book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants

Surgeries-Can’t Can’t Live With Them, Can’t Live Without Them

Ever since I’ve had my prostate removed, I’ve dreaded going to hospitals for any surgeries or out-patient procedure. This reaction did not occur with surgeries before I had my prostatectomy.

Now a disproportionate amount of fear occurs with every surgery and out-patient procedure I’ve had. I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard many men say this exact quote after prostate surgery. The quote is:
“I won’t go within a mile of a Surgeon for the rest of my life.”

Why do men say that? My explanation isn’t based on a scientific study. It’s  based on my own experiences and those that were shared with me.

Most men who wish to avoid another surgery at all costs, are men who experienced one or all of these side effects that probably were not explained prior to surgery.

• Lost Urinary Control-Approximately 6-8 percent of men who have had surgery to remove their prostate will develop urinary incontinence.

•Loss of ejaculation-I had no idea surgery would take away my ability to ejaculate. In one study, it was found that: “only half of the patients realized surgery would take away their ability to ejaculation.

•Climacturia- Ten years after my surgery I still continue to leak urine after an orgasm. A mattresses protector and towels are necessary. “ Climacturia is a common clinical entity, occurring in almost half of all patients after radical prostatectomy. It can be a significant problem with respect to urine volume loss, associated bother and condom use. Patients must be informed about this complication before undergoing radical prostatectomy..”

•Loss of penile size-Most men will have some penis length loss after surgery and sometimes that will be permanent, said Dr. John Mulhall, who is director of the Male Sexual and Reproductive Medicine Program at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York.

I felt betrayed. I believe any man who was not told about these possibilities feels betrayed.  After a betrayal we develop strategies to ensure this will not happen again. Often the fallout from our betrayal is a generalized distrust of ALL surgeons.

After betrayal and need to protect oneself, tragedy often follows.

I’ve known men who chose to live with severe urinary incontinence, preferring to live in diapers the rest of their lives rather than seek a surgical solution to end their loss of urinary control.

Far too many men live with life long impotence rather than consider a penile implant. 

They cannot imagine a Surgeon who’d be honest, and help them when it was a Surgeon who caused the misery they are cutting living with.

I know my answer isn’t for everyone and I know some folks will get offended. So before sharing that piece of my solution let me speak to you as a man who was betrayed. I suffered it all; the loss of urinary control and ejaculation, loss of penile size, erectile dysfunction, and leaking urine during orgasm.

I did NOT  let my fears control my medical decisions. I wanted to reclaim what robotic double nerve sparing surgery took away. I wanted to resume making love to my wife, so I went for a penile implant. The surgery changed my self-esteem, my relationship with my wife, and gave us the ability to regain the sex life we both wanted to re-experience.

Now comes the part where I share how my faith helped and continues to help me cope with my ongoing fears about surgeries. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. When I bring this picture to mind as I face a surgery or surgical procedure my fears are calmed.

Therefore I’ll let this picture speak for itself:

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are: 

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

And

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

End the Misery of Erectile Dysfunction

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer when I was fify-eight. Both prior to my double nerve sparing surgery, my surgeon was confident my erectile abilities would return. I entered in to an aggressive penile rehab program. I had varying doses of ED medications. I used the vacuum pump. 

Eventually, I tried penile injections. Four years post surgery, nothing worked. I was told I'd be impotent for the rest of my life.

Here’s what I wrote on the back cover of my book about erectile dysfunction:

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a thief. ED takes away physical and emotional intimacy. ED steals your confidence in the bedroom. ED robs you of your manhood. 

ED walks off with your self-esteem. ED has the potential to destroy lives, and end relationships. Here’s a surprising fact, the sudden onset of ED can save your life. 

Frequently, ED is early warning signal of current or future cardiovascular problems. 

In Everything You Never Wanted to Know about Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants: End Your Silence, Sadness, Suffering, and Shame, was written to help men and couples recognize and overcome the roadblocks to seeking help with ED.

My wife and I guide men and couples through the depression, grief and the inevitable relational conflicts when coping with ED. 

We set couples on a path to discover healthy ways to think about, talk about, or cure ED. We speak from our personal experiences living with ED for four years.

We also share how penile implant surgery restored what prostate surgery took away. Here’s the link to our book:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About ED

Reoccurrence & Testing Anxiety

Once you’ve been diagnosed with prostate cancer, at least once a year, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, you must take an ultra sensitive PSA test to determine whether or not your cancer that returned.

Almost all folks diagnosed with any type of cancer lives with a certain degree of stress, anxiety, and/or “fear of reoccurrence.”

This sets the stage for another setting for the reappearance of stress, anxiety, and/or fear commonly referred to as “testing anxiety.”

When I was first diagnosed nine years ago, no one mentioned these two common sources of anxiety, fear, etc.

Therefore I experienced this, without knowing what it was, or that folks diagnosed with every form of cancer often experience one, the other, or both.

If you search for:
“Fear of reoccurrence anxiety in cancer patients”
Or
“Testing anxiety for patients diagnosed with cancer” you’ll find thousands of articles about these topics.

Once I understood the concepts, I mistakenly believed the longer I went without a reoccurrence (nine years now, praise the Lord!) the less anxiety I’d feel with BOTH sources of anxiety.

I’ve discovered the OPPOSITE is true. The longer I stay in remission, the more likely I think it is that cancer will inevitably return.

Behaviorally, in order to avoid facing both reoccurrence, and testing anxiety, over the last three years, I’ve found myself letting the year go by without getting tested.

(Thankfully,  Brenda LePoire Redner won’t put up with my feeble attempts to delay testing)

I know I’ve been acting with manta “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.”

When in fact, when dealing with cancer; “What you don’t know, can KILL you.”

There’s a Bible verse that ALWAYS come to my mind when I’m fearing or anxious about something in the future that MIGHT occur:

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
‭‭-Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬-

This verse is a lot easier to read than it is to put into practice!

I’ve discovered in order to apply this verse into potentially bad news situations a few core beliefs must be firmly rooted into your core spiritual being.

They are:
1. God is ALWAYS good even when the worst possible events and situations occur in your life.

2. God will supply ALL of you needs to face the worst, but not a minute BEFORE His help is needed.

3. Like manor supplied in Egypt, today’s grace is only good for 24 hours. If you try to apply today’s grace into tomorrow, it spoils and rots.

4. It’s morning by morning new mercies you’ll receive.

5. What ever news you receive God intends to use it for your good and to make you a blessing to others.

6. I believe whenever you face a physical challenge, you’re also facing a spiritual challenge and/or war. Both God and Satan want to use your crisis for their own purposes
7. Satan’s purpose is to weaken your faith, and trust, in God’s goodness. The end goal is to isolate your from your faith, love from God, love, love from family, and the love and support available in your community of faith.

8. God’s goal is to strengthen your ability to walk by faith, not by sight.

9. God’s goal is to demonstrate the reality He will NEVER leave or forsake you no matter what you face in this broken world.

10. More often that not, your test is transformed into a testimony that’s meant to be shared with others.

So that:
1 “The more we depend on God the more dependable we find He is.”— Cliff Richard

It will take longer than a week for me to receive my test results for 2020. I don’t think I’ll lose a wink of sleep while I wait.

I’ve been blessed the opportunity to share my thoughts, and faith, in various places on Social Media so I can reach hundreds to thousands of folks dealing with similar issues.

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are: 

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

&

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

Looking Back on Nine Years of Prostate Cancer Survivorship

Looking back nine years of living without a prostate, I think one of the most difficult and socially isolating time was feeling seriously depressed AFTER receiving the news my cancer was fully contained within my prostate and I was cancer free. 

Friends and family were celebrating, while I was wondering if having my prostate removed was the worst decision I’d ever made in my life. 

I hated the first three months post surgery losing urinary control, and living in diapers. After diapers, I spent fifteen months needing a pad. 

Nine years later if my bladder is full, and I bend, lift, laugh, or sneeze I’ll still leak.  

The loss of ejaculation was an unpleasant surprise. I wasn’t sure I’d enjoy having sex ever again. The intensity of orgasms was so diminished I wasn’t sure whether I had one. This sense of loss and disappointment caused me to avoid sex, like the plague. Unfortunately, not only sex, I gave up all forms of affection because they all led me back to the painful emotions associated with grief and loss.  

After double nerve sparing surgery my surgeon was confident I’d regain my erectile functioning. I never did. The four years I spent coping with erectile dysfunction were probably the worst four years of my life. This took a huge toll on my marriage. To save our relationship we needed to go into counseling. I’m delighted I was willing to trust a surgeon to perform a penile implant. At age 67 my sex life has never been better! 

One unpleasant reminder of prostate surgery is climaturia. 

Climacturia, also called orgasm-associated incontinence, occurs when a man leaks urine as he has an orgasm. It is a common side effect of radical prostatectomy. If it's so common, why is it that No one ever discussed this humiliating side effect of prostate surgery.  

Thankfully,  with the use of both a mattress protector AND towels we've adjusted to this life-long issue. 

My message to all men who find themselves depressed after prostate surgery is:

•Expect to be depressed.

•Expect zero understanding from your healthy friends and family 

•Don’t think you’re man enough to get through your depression alone. 

•GET HELP-Form a team to help you cope. 

•IF on-line help is used expect to get some bad advice and/or come in contact with trolls. 

•Good and useful on-line advice is also available. You’ll need to discern the difference.

• Faith has an important role in your coping and living with cancer, 

•At some point in your journey,  you may experience a faith crisis where you question or doubt God’s goodness, love, or His plan for your life.

•Do not attempt to resolve your faith crisis alone. Find a spiritually mature person who can listen to your doubts and questions, without judging you

•If you lose your erectile abilities EXPECT that you will have doubts about your manhood. You may withdraw from your physically and/or emotionally. You may go as far as avoiding ALL forms of physical affection. 

•You may get angry and/or defensive when your partner tries to discuss this issue.

•It’s possible you’ll be convinced you partner is better off without you, so consciously or unconsciously, you’ll act in ways to destroy you relationship.

*i know it’s embarrassing, but find ways to talk about erectile dysfunction and discover new ways to enjoy sex together. If you’re unable to do this, GET HELP.

•Many folks diagnosed with cancer suffer from PTSD. You may have difficulty sleeping, withdraw from people, become highly irritable, spend hours of your day thinking about or fearful about your diagnosis of cancer. You may develop a fear about on-going treatment, tests, or going to a doctor’s office. It’s highly unlikely PTSD will go away on its own or that you’ll get over it by yourself. If you think you or your partner have PTSD, GET HELP.

•As a cancer survivor, your life will NEVER be the same. It’s now divided into your pre and post cancer phases of life.

•There are many losses that need to be grieved. Allow yourself time to feel sadness and process your many losses.

•Based on the decisions and choices you make, your post cancer life will be markedly better or worse than your pre cancer life. 

•I believe the difference between those whose lives get better isn’t about your diagnosis and/or treatment outcome. It’s whether you formed a team composed of professionals and/or folks further along in their journey of SUCCESSFULLY coping with prostate cancer.

•Nine years of cancer survivorship, four years of coping with erectile dysfunction, and five years with a penile implant, I can say God is good, and my life is good!

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are: 

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

&

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants