Embracing Your Mistakes

This post was not written specifically for coping with prostate cancer and/or the psychological, physical, and relational issues that arise after treating PC.

I’m posting this because I believe my suggestions regarding coping with mistakes will have a positive impact on your life and relationships.

Its an undeniable fact that the older I get, the more mistakes I’ve accumulated.

Given that inevitably, my attitude towards my mistakes has changed in the following ways:

* I look for the humor behind every flub I make. It's a gift (and a wonderful release of tension) to have the capacity to laugh about my mistakes.

* Many of my mistakes provide me with highly useful warnings. For example, yesterday I left the house without checking the O2 level in my oxygen tank. I ran out of air before we arrived at our destination! Guess what new routine I’ve established? I'm going check the 02 level EVERY time we leave the house with a portable tank of oxygen. If the needle is in the red zone, I’m using a new tank!

* My habitual mistakes teach me of the necessity for me to change my behavior. For example, I got tired of misplacing my keys and my wallet. EVERY day I wasted precious time

searching the house. Now as soon as I get home, my wallet and keys are put in a specific place. The annoying daily search, is no longer part of my day.

* The most irreversible mistake I make occurs when I decide to store something in what I refer to as "a safe place." Whenever I decide to use “a safe place” it inevitably means I'll never, ever, see that item again. It’s somewhat embarrassing to tell my wife where I hide her gifts, but unless I want to buy that gift a second time, Brenda needs to know.

* Some of my mistakes involve my lacking information or making wrong assumptions. When I gave up the need for perfection, and embraced my deeply flawed humanity it’s easier to admit my mistake rather than invent an excuse for my behavior.

* Some of my mistakes occur because I'm selfish. I want what I want, so I neglect thinking about the consequences, or how my behavior will effect the people I know and love.

Looking back on my life, I suspect I've learned as much or more from my mistakes, than I have from my successes. 

So every time I blow it, which increases as I age, I look for the opportunity to discover the lesson and/or wisdom my mistake is offering to teach me.

What about you? Do you condemn yourself (or blame others) for your mistakes? 

Do you ignore the lessons your mistakes offer to teach you, which leads to repeating the same mistake(s) over and over again?

I hope you’ll decide your mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn, grow, and change.

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?
provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.


Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with  erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.
The title of their book is:
Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

A Dance to Forget

There are so many types of dances. There’s the Jitterbug, the Fox Trot, the Charleston, the Rumba, and line dancing, to name few.

Over the years, I’ve created my own dance. Most dancing begins with music. 

My dance begins with favorable circumstances after a partial recovery from an illness, injury, disease, or surgery.

For example, on a particular day after a surgery, there came a time when I was feeling well enough to take a day trip. So that’s exactly what we did.

Upon our arrival home, I suggested we run some errands. We did that as well.

Back from our errands, I wanted to do some chores.

My wife recognized my dance. She said: “You’re not doing anything else right now, except to sit on the couch and rest.”

Thus I was prevented from the dance I’ve created for myself. This dance involves one step forward, then three steps backwards.

I perform this dance each and every time I begin to recover from anything, be that an illness, surgery, injury, or disease.

I call this dance “The Old Four Step.” 

As I get older I’ve noticed my steps backwards are longer in length, and frequently involve pain.

This makes me wonder why “The Old Four Step" is my go to dance?

It's as though I haven't learned the intensity of misery from "The Old Four Step" makes it a dance I should avoid like the plague.

One of the worst examples I’ve ever heard was a man who following prostate surgery was told not to lift anything over 5lbs.

Feeling great after his prostate surgery, he decided to shovel snow off his driveway. 

The weight of the snow caused the newly rewired plumbing to disconnect permanently. Now he must endure a catheter for the rest of his life! A tragic consequence of doing the “The Old Four Step.”

There are some dances to remember, and some to forget. “The Old Four Step” is a dance to forget.

What about you? Do you have a “recovery dance” that takes you further away from your recovery?

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with erectile dysfunction. After living with erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their second book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

A Valuable Lesson On a Sleepless Night

This is the second of three Florida vacations where I became seriously ill while vacationing. 

I was diagnosed with pneumonia. 

I've been mad, angry, discouraged, and disheartened.

This Bible verse described my attitude to a tee:

"Remember now your Creator in the days of your youth,

Before the difficult days come,

And the years draw near when you say,

“I have no pleasure in them."

Ecc 12:1

For the record, my first few YEARS of living without a prostate didn't give me much pleasure. Especially with the loss of urinary control, ejaculation, and four years of coping with erectile dysfunction.

Can you relate?

Late in the evening, I had the opportunity to connect with a Christian sister in Christ on Facebook. After our uplifting conversation, this event came to mind:

My last visit with my Pastor, Don Nelson was days before he died as a result of cancer.. I wasn't able to understand much of anything he tried to tell me. 

I was able to understand this one sentence:

He said "Rick you've been a good friend." 

Those were his last words to me, and they were/are still treasured.

Shortly after that, he motioned with his hand for his secretary who was also visiting ( she was his secretary for more than 25 years) to come closer to him. She came closer. He waved again, and she came right by his face. He lifted his head and kissed her. After the kiss, his head plopped down on his pillow from exhaustion. Blanche was in tears. She told me she'd remember that kiss for the rest of her life. 

I hope I remember Pastor Don's last words to me, for the rest of my life. The truth is I hadn't thought of that memory or the lesson I’d learned, for many years.

The valuable and life changing lesson I learned that day, (which I'd buried on the back burner of my mind) was this:

It's possible to show other folks your love, and God's love in a meaningful and life changing ways, when almost everything you have is taken away, IF you're creative and use what you have left.

I needed to remember that lesson today. Though I'm mad, frustrated, sleepless, and soon to be cranky. (I’m sure those who know me will find it hard to believe I get cranky)

I still have far more ability at my disposal to show folks my love, and God's love, as Pastor Don did on that day.

 If you’re reading this, so do you.

What do you know, it wasn’t a wasted sleepless night!

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.




Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with  erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

Cancer Patients Need Their Sleep

I can't count the number of sleepless nights I've experienced since I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. There are so many phases of this journey where I've faced hours, days, and sometimes weeks of poor sleep. Here's a few places in my journey. You probably have others you can add.

My sleep troubles began after I went in to my Urologist for a prescription refill. My physician insisted on performing a DRE.

My world was turned upside down when he said he felt a "suspicious lump" which he wanted to biopsy. This was the event, one of many to come, which caused a significant amount of sleep deprivation.

When I went to the front desk to make an appointment for my biopsy I was told the earliest time available was in a month. They scheduled a second appointment two weeks later to discuss my biopsy results. I drove home in a daze. My world was turned upside down. I had a "suspicious lump" on my prostate which could be prostate cancer.

After my first sleepless night, I realized there's no way I'd survive four weeks of waiting for a biopsy, and two weeks after that to receive my biopsy results. Two things become my top priority in life. Getting a biopsy and biopsy results as quick as possible.

I reasoned that if my cancer was large enough to feel, I might be facing a life threatening disease. I wanted to receive a sand begin treatment yesterday, rather than many weeks from today. A night spent awake worrying increased my resolve to receive a diagnosis and treatment immediately. I felt certain my survival depended on this.

Night after sleepless night I imagined thousands of prostate cancer cells with razor sharp teeth, chomping away at the lining of my prostate looking to create a microscopic hole, so they could escape my prostate in order to kill me.

With that imagery in mind, I was more than willing to leave the Urologist who cared for me for more than two decades in order to find another Urologist who could get me tested, diagnosed, and treated, as soon as possible. I found one in a different city, who could get me tested and have the results in less than three weeks. I canceled my original appointments and scheduled a biopsy in another office.

I lost a lot of sleep in the weeks prior to my biopsy, the week waiting for the results, and countless hours of sleep after I was told I had prostate cancer with a Gleason Score of  4+3=7.  This was the beginning of a series of stressful events which resulted in loss of sleep.

Below is a list of events occurring days, weeks, months, and years, after my initial diagnosis which were highly stressful resulting in significant sleep loss.
1. Waiting for my bone scan
2. Waiting for the results of my bone scan
3. Waiting to discuss treatment options after bone scan results came back negative.
4. Time spent researching pros and cons of various treatments.
5. Waiting for appointment at a treatment center
6. Waiting for a pre-surgery exam
7. Waiting for surgery, a minimum of six weeks after a biopsy.
8. Waiting for a post-surgery biopsy
9. Living in diapers waiting to see if urinary control comes back
10. Waiting for the return of erectile functioning
11. Waiting for an appointment for penile rehab
12. Waiting to find an appropriate treatment for ED
13. Waiting for my marriage to return to a familiar place
14. Waiting for PSA testing  results every three minths
15. Coping with the fear of reoccurance.
16. Waiting for penile implant surgery
16. Waiting for intense penile implant surgery pain to end
17. Waiting for penile implant activation 

This is a partial list of the events in my journey with prostate cancer that resulted in significant sleep deprivation .

Given the inevitably, and harmful effects of sleep deprivation, which most cancer patients (and their caregivers experience). I believe assessing the frequency and duration of sleep deprivation is anessential part of treating all forms of cancer.

Sadly, the issue of sleep deprivation is seldom discussed and goes untreated. Most cancer patients and their caregivers suffer through long bouts of sleep deprivation without any assistance.

If sleep deprivation is a problem for you, meet with your physician to discuss the various ways to treat your sleep deprivation.

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with  erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

I Hate Waiting For Test Results

Common sense leads me to assume the more you do something the easier it becomes. Why after eight years have passed since I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, I've discovered that it's more stressful waiting for my yearly PSA test results?

This was the first year I put off my PSA check. For seven consecutive years I've had my test in April. This year I put off testing until July.

According to an article in Zero The End of Prostate Cancer "Fortunately the five year survival rate for men with localized prostate cancer is nearly 100 percent. Although up to 40 percent of men will experience a recurrence so it is important to understand your risk for recurrence as well as live your life after cancer."

Is it wrong to assume the longer you live with prostate cancer the greater the odds of experiencing a reoccurance? There's no doubt other factors are involved in addition to the passage of time. Whether your cancer was contained within your prostate, and the stage of your cancer when you were intitally diagnosed impacts the odds of a reoccurance.

In addition to the clinical reasons for a reoccurance, almost all cancer patients have a universal fear of cancer returning. According to an article in Cancer.Net the fear of reoccurance is higher in the first year. I found the opposite is true for me. The longer I remain cancer free, the greater I think my odds are for a reoccurance!

Every day my mailbox does not contain the results of my lab tests, I'm thankful for another day to live in ignorance. 

Unfortunately, I'm also stressed. If there's one thing I've learned about prostate cancer is this, the earlier it's discovered, the better the odds for a successful treatment. I assume this is true about a reoccurance as well.

This year brings a new fear and other diagnosis I wish to avoid. Last year my blood tests revealed I was borderline diabetic. According to Healthline "If you have prediabetes, you should know you’re not alone. In 2015, it was estimated that 84.1 million Americans age 18 and older had the condition. That’s 1 in 3 Americans.Having prediabetes doesn’t mean you’ll definitely develop diabetes. It’s a warning of what could lie ahead"

Due to chronic back pain, I had three spinal injections of cortisone. One of the dangers of  cortisone is this:
"People on steroids who are already at a higher risk of type 2 diabetes or those who need to take steroids for longer periods of time are the most susceptible to developing steroid induced diabetes."

So you treat one disease only to risk developing another. I don't want bad news. I just retired a few weeks ago. There's a part of me that wants one year of my retirement without any news of a disease old or new that will impact my life. I'd like to live my first year of retirement in ignorant bliss.

What I'd like, conflicts with what I know to be true. Early detection of any disease is better than late detection when damage is done. I compromised with myself. I put off my yearly physical and tests by a few months. Now I'm waiting to receive my lab results. I feel an obligation to my wife, children, and grandchildren to take care of the most precious asset I possess, my health. 

There'll be no riding off into the sunset in my RV, in ignorant bliss. I'm going to face and if necessary treat any issues discovered in my lab tests. If I didn't do that, the lessons I've learned as an eight year prostate cancer survivor would be wasted.
This poll on my Facebook page was answered by twenty folks. It isn't a scientific poll, but it does show I'm not alone in finding that waiting for test results gets more difficult with the passage of time. 

My advice is don't let difficulty, stress, or fear, stop you from doing what you know needs to be done. 

The question was does waiting for test results get easier or more difficult with the passage of time. Here are the results.

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?
provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.


Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with  erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.
The title of their book is:
Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

Together in Sickness and in Health

On June 7 2017, my wife and I celebrated our 37th anniversary. For six of those years, we’ve been coping with the quality of life issues associated with my prostatectomy. 

For many years, these issues had a negative impact on my self-esteem and our marriage. In order to preserve our marriage, we sought professional counseling. 

Every year since my prostate surgery, it seems I’ve had a new health crisis or surgery. Here’s a few of those medical challenges. I suffered lots of wrist pain for a long time.

 Finally, I went in for an exam. I was told that I needed surgery for carpel tunnel syndrome.

Sometime after that surgery, I tripped over my dog, fell, and injured my shoulder. I was in constant pain and unable to sleep well. It took almost a year to get a diagnosis and finally have a rotator cuff repair.

 After surgery, I spent almost two months in a sling, then three months in physical therapy.

Each year, a new health crisis has a negative impact on the quality of my life and the ability to enjoy time with my wife. For these reasons, I wrote my wife the following on her anniversary card:

“Today we celebrate our 37th anniversary. I’m not sure whether our best days are behind us or whether our best days are yet to come. Either way, I’m blessed to journey through life with you.” 

Shortly after I wrote that note, I received the unexpected news I need surgery to have my gall bladder removed. My wife and I stopped counting the number of surgeries I’ve had after I reached my tenth surgery. (This is an update, I’m now at seventeen surgeries)

All of these storms, unwanted changes, sleepless nights, months of chronic pain, multiple surgeries, physical therapy, and illness have taken a huge toll on me, my capacity to function, my ability to enjoy life, my energy level, and my capacity to love my wife.

I have no idea whether we will get a break from health challenges or whether this is the new normal for me and for us as a couple.

If this is our new reality, I believe the best is behind us, rather than yet to come. This is certainly not how I hoped to spend my “golden years.” There’s one thing that has been a blessing through all of these trials.

Thirty-seven years ago, my wife and I made a vow to each other before our friends, family, and God. We promised to stay together in “sickness and in health.”

In our youth, and in good health, we had no idea how difficult and challenging keeping that vow would be.

For many years after my prostate surgery, I was convinced  my wife would be better off without me, rather than with me. I’m blessed beyond measure that I'm married to a woman who is committed to keeping her wedding vows.

How you treat your partner as they recover from an illness or surgery can affect how quickly they heal?

A recent study found that patients whose partners displayed empathetic behaviors like emotional support, affection, and attention showed improved physical function over time.

There’s a reason your marriage vows included the promise to stay together in sickness and in health. We need each other, and we are more likely to successfully navigate through the storms of life as a team. 

This Bible verse comes to mind:                  Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.                               If either of them falls down, one can help the other up….                                                    ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10~

I pray those couples tempted to break your wedding vows will reconsider and get help in order to preserve your marriage and keep the marriage vows you made to one another.

It’s my prayer that couples facing the challenges of coping with the unwanted changes brought about by cancer and/or the quality of life issues couples face after treatment, will enable you to grow closer together, rather than further apart.

If your partner made a difference (positive or negative) in the way you coped with cancer, I hope you’ll share your story so other couples can learn from your experiences.

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours? provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with erectile dysfunction. After living with erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants

This article was reprinted with the permission of Prostate Cancer News Today 

Fathers Day Thoughts From a Prostate Cancer Survivor

As a prostate cancer survivor of seven years, I don’t take reaching any milestone or holiday for granted.Therefore, my first thought and feeling is a profound sense of gratitude that I’m alive to celebrate another Father's Day. Prior to my diagnosis of prostate cancer, I never considered living to celebrate another Father's Day was an achievement to celebrate.

As a dad, whether I like it or not, I've influenced my children in both positive and negative ways. From my perspective, one of the worst things I've passed on to my sons is a greater likelihood they'll one day hear the awful news they have prostate cancer.

I don't know why, but on Father's Day this reality becomes a heavier burden:
"Family history is the strongest risk factor for prostate cancer. A man with one close relative with prostate cancer – for example, a father or a brother – is twice as likely to develop prostate cancer as a man with no family history of the disease."

No father wants his son(s) diagnosed with prostate cancer. I deal with my greatest fear with useless worry. I worry whether my sons will insist on prostate cancer screening on a regular basis. I worry whether their physicians will take their increased risk seriously enough to insist on regular screening. I could write pages about the futility of worry, but thousands of articles are available to address this issue. 

When I get stuck in the worry muck, I turn to two Bible Verses. In the first Bible verse Jesus asks:
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? (Luke 12:25)

It's a powerful question and a good reminder that all my time spent worrying is a waste of time. So if worry is a waste of time what do I do with the very real concerns I have? The second Bible verse gives me a positive alternative to worry:
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippines 4:6-7)

An important aspect of my Father's Day is spending time praying for each of my four children, their wives, and my grandchildren.

Prayer is a wonderful reminder I'm not the only Father involved in the life of my children. They have a Heavenly Father who loves them more than me! As I grab hold of that reality, my worry fades away. This enables me to enjoy the day with a heart filled with gratitude that I'm alive to celebrate another Father's Day.

There's one more prayer that's easily neglected or forgotten. I pray that my wife and I, two broken and imperfect parents, receive wisdom from above to become the best parents we can be. We rely on this amazing promise:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)
I shutter to think of my parenting without wisdom from above.

There's one more important Father's Day reflection. I think back to my dad. I sort out the positive memories and experiencs and the negative ones as well. There are valuable life lessons contained in these memoires. Joyful things to do and share, as well as very negative, careless and abusive things I want to avoid, rather than pass on to my family.

If there's conflict and divisiveness, Father's Day is a reminder to do everything possible to be a peacemaker in order to resolve family tensions. The Bible says this about those efforts:
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.(Mathew 5:9)

I wish everyone who is a father, or who had a father, a Happy Father's Day. Whether  your father was absent or present, kind and loving, or abusive, alive or dead, there are important life lessons for you to know and grow.

For those who long for a Father's love, you have a Heavenly Father who promises never to forget, leave, or forsake you. It's my prayer you'll experience your Heavenly Father's love for you this Father's Day weekend.

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.