Prostate Cancer Survivor

 For more than a decade my identity included surviving cancer. I thought of myself as a Prostate Cancer Survivor.

For more than a decade, I’ve experienced multiple reminders, every day, that I’m living without a prostate so that means I’ve had a minimum of 7,300 reminders and that doesn’t include thoughts the cancer could return. 

If you add those thoughts in, that means I’ve been reminded about life without a prostate  and/or prostate cancer over 10,000 times in the last decade!

For five emotionally painful years I lived with the identity of an “Impotent Man”

I HATED that identity. I wanted my wife of thirty years to leave me so she could live with a “Real Man” that was fully functioning.

A Penile Implant took away my identity as an “Impotent Man.” I was overjoyed to shed that identity.

My journey with Chronic Kidney (CKD) Disease began when I was hospitalized with Sepsis. 

I began with Stage 4 which is severe kidney damage.

Out of the hospital I did everything I could to regain kidney functioning. My efforts were fruitful. My GFR rose to Stage 3a-mild to moderate kidney disease. From my perspective life returned to normal. I thought my experience with CKD came to an end.

However a month later my GFR dropped by 16%. I went to Stage 3B  which is moderate to severe kidney damage.

After my Nephrologist was informed of my current GFR, life was changed. I was told not to eat red meat.  To avoid salty foods, and reduce sugar intake. 

This meant saying goodbye to steak, hamburgers, fries, pizza, frankfurters, pastrami, deli meats, donuts, pancakes and syrup, all alcoholic beverages, and more. 

Thankfully it didn’t mean saying goodbye to Splenda!!

Once I received these restrictions, I found myself craving everything I was told to avoid!  To date, I haven’t given in.

Since it is now necessary for me to drink water all the time, and watch every that goes into my mouth, I rarely get a break from thinking about CKD.

With Prostate Cancer there was the fear of reoccurrence, which most PC patients (including myself) initially think about multiple times a day) 

With CKD that’s the fear is that a falling GFR will result in total kidney failure leading to dialysis.  

I think about kidney failure and dialysis A LOT. It involves three  days a week, 4-5 hours a day in a treatment center.  That’s NOT what I want for my life!

In my mind, I’ve assumed a new identity. My identity as a Prostate Cancer Survivor has taken a back seat to my new identity…A person living with CKD.

I’ve discovered the difference between identities that change with medical circumstances and an identity that NEVER changes.

As a Christian, my identity encompasses all the abundance of being a beloved child of God, and a citizen of Heaven.

That remains unchanging, which I now appreciate more than ever…an unchanging identity!!

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote an award winning comprehensive guide to the physical, personal, spiritual, and relational issues, every man, and couple, will face before and after prostate surgery. The title of their book is:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

After four years of coping with erectile dysfunction after double nerve sparing surgery,  Rick & Brenda decided to share their experiences with devastating effects of erectile dysfunction; which led to a loss of self-esteem, and marital conflict.

They shared why they chose to seek professional help to save their marriage. They also provided a detailed account of how and why Rick went the penile implant route, and how that changed everything. This is a life changing book. Don’t take their word for it, read the Amazon reviews.

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

Biopsy Blues

 Once again I’m waiting to get a biopsy. Once again it’s a 1-3 week wait to get the results.

I believe there’s a natural tendency for us to return and re-experience the trauma of the past, when something similar occurs in the present.

So I understand the vulnerability I have to panic, assume the worst, then have the worst come true.

I doubt I’ll never forget the call I received on a Sunday when my Urologist said to me:

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have moderately aggressive prostate cancer.”

On that day I imagined my future with three words:

Excruciating pain 

Suffering 

Death

As an experienced decade long cancer survivor I asked myself the following question:

How can my past experience waiting for a biopsy and receiving the news I have cancer help me to cope.

A far easier question to answer is:

How did waiting for a biopsy and receiving a diagnosis of cancer cause me to panic, then, and now as I wait.

•I panicked waiting for the biopsy.

•I panicked about the painful procedure to get the biopsy-multiple pokes with long needles through the rectum into the prostate. 

•I panicked waiting for the biopsy results 

•I panicked receiving the biopsy results 

Then came the mother of all my panics:

 •I panicked when myUrologist asked me:

How would you like to treat your prostate cancer?”

I thought he was joking! 

How would I know how to treat prostate cancer?

I went to the library and checked out about a dozen books from the library, and purchased a few on Amazon.

With the treatment of prostate cancer, each treatment choice has different quality of life issues to face. After hours upon hours of research, I could not make up my mind. 

So I made an appointment with my Urologist and asked him the following question;

If the situation was reversed and you received the biopsy results I have in front of me, what would you do?

He said:

“I’d have surgery.” 

So I said:

“Refer me for surgery.”

He said:

“Before I do, given your urological history, you may be loose control of your urinary functioning permanently.”

At the time I couldn’t imagine what spending the rest of my life in diapers would mean, so I said:

“Refer me for surgery” 

He sent me to San Francisco (UCSF) which is how I came to lose my prostate in San Francisco.

Fast forward to today. So I’m not in the least bit worried about the biopsy procedure. They will scrape some of the skin off my arm for the biopsy. 

(A tad easier than multiple needles to the rectum)

Prostate cancer is #2 as the leading cancer death in men. (Lung cancer is #1)

Should my biopsy determine this is cancer, there’s a 99.99% rate of cure.

If I do have skin cancer I won’t need to spend hours researching treatment modalities. I will happily agree to the treatment recommendation of my Dermatologist. 

As for quality of life issues the loss of urinary control, living in diapers, or facing a lifetime of erectile dysfunction aren’t quality of life issues I’ll face.

 I suspect the only quality of life issue I’ll face will be the number days or weeks I won’t be able to use my hot tub and swimming pool. 

I can only muster microscopic levels of sympathy for myself facing the TEMPORARY loss of those two activities.

The fact that these two experiences are vastly different, coping is much easier.

If/when I’d face another life threatening, or quality of life debilitating cancer, I don’t know whether my past experiences will help or make it more difficult to handle.

For now, this seems to be a cake walk in comparison to prostate cancer.

The initial panic I felt when my Primary referred me to a Dermatologist to rule out or treat basal carcinoma has passed.

How am I certain of this?

I’m not losing any sleep!

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote an award winning comprehensive guide to the physical, personal, spiritual, and relational issues, every man, and couple, will face before and after prostate surgery. The title of their book is:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours? 

https://amzn.to/2TLTiRQ

After four years of coping with erectile dysfunction after double nerve sparing surgery,  Rick & Brenda decided to share their experiences with devastating effects of erectile dysfunction; which led to a loss of self-esteem, and marital conflict.

They shared why they chose to seek professional help to save their marriage. They also provided a detailed account of how and why Rick went the penile implant route, and how that changed everything. This is a life changing book. Don’t take their word for it, read the Amazon reviews.

The title of their second book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction 

http://bit.ly/34DL14W

A Question of Balance

I’m a quick fix kind of guy. If there’s a problem, and a known solution, (especially if it involves duct tape or goop) I want the fix to occur and problem solved ASAP.

What I’ve learned about knee joint replacement surgery is the “fix” to the problem (surgery) takes under two hours.

To heal from the “fix” takes months. 

•Worse-there are no short cuts                                                                                                          •Worser-neither duct tape or goop is useful.                                                                                •Worserest-I’ve lost mobility, access to the second story of our house, and the ability to drive a car, and to stand for more than ten minutes at a time.

Progress is measured literally in inches rather than feet or miles.

But if I’ve learned anything in 17 surgeries it’s these two lessons:

#1 Celebrate every small milestone or step towards healing even if the step is measured in inches.    

#2. Look for humor EVERYWHERE 

So my most recent celebrations:

•I can walk down the two steps to I can access and enjoy our backyard.                                                      •I can walk up and down our front entryway so walks in the neighborhood becomes possible WHEN I can tolerate standing for more than a few minutes.

These changes are worth celebrating.

As far as humor goes, yesterday I was walking (with my walker) down the steps and down our driveway. I was blasting the theme song from the movie Chariots of Fire, as I hobbled down the driveway (wondering if the angle would be to steep for me to return to the house) I bumped into a neighbor who got a kick of the choice of my music to hobble down the driveway.

After sharing a laugh, she said: “You need to do this using the theme song from Rocky.”

I said: “You missed it. That was yesterday!”                                                                                    Another time to laugh.

When Brenda and I watch movies we are looking for either faith-based, or comedies. Murder mystery movies are out! Watching a lot of news is out as well.

As I take the next three months to recover, and go to out-patient physical therapy, I want to spend the next three months laughing and celebrating as much as possible!

That said, I’m not using denial. On nights I’m kept awake most of the night because of pain, or when I feel both bad and sad I can’t sleep in my own bed, I give myself permission to feel and grieve these losses.

Verses from Ecclesiastes 3 come to mind:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens……. a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

Faith doesn’t forbid you from weeping or mourning. In fact our Lord cares so much about us in our suffering that:           

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.                                                                                                                                 ~ Psalm 56:8~

Faith also provides wonderful reasons to experience joy, gratitude, grace, celebration, and laughter.

So the next three months will be filled with both laughter and tears, but I suspect the scales will tip heavily on the side of joy, gratitude, grace, celebration, and laughter.

How does this relate to life post prostatectomy?

Grieve the loss of

Urinary control 

Life in diapers 

Grieve unwelcome the changes in your erectile functioning 

Grieve the loss of your sex drive

Celebrate when your catheter is removed

Celebrate if you’ve learned to live in diapers without leaking 

Celebrate when you move from diapers to pads.

The scales after prostate surgery tip heavily on the side of negativity, which is why the ability to celebrate and laugh are vitally important. 

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote an award winning comprehensive guide to the physical, personal, spiritual, and relational issues, every man, and couple, will face before and after prostate surgery. The title of their book is:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours? 

After four years of coping with erectile dysfunction after double nerve sparing surgery,  Rick & Brenda decided to share their experiences with devastating effects of erectile dysfunction; which led to a loss of self-esteem, and marital conflict.

They shared why they chose to seek professional help to save their marriage. They also provided a detailed account of how and why Rick went the penile implant route, and how that changed everything. This is a life changing book. Don’t take their word for it, read the Amazon reviews.

The title of their second book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction 

The Healing Power of Songs

I dedicate this blog and this song to my wife who endured four extremely difficult years post prostate cancer surgery.

After my surgery, my Surgeon assured us that the sparing of my two nerve bundles meant I’d recover my erectile functioning…..only it didn’t.

I discovered that every form of affection served a bitter reminder of what I lost. 

So I have up holding hands, physical touching, hugs and kisses. As if avoiding those things would help me forget that I lost my manhood. 

It didn’t!

Then I unilaterally decided the best thing I could do for my wife was to push her far away until she asked me for a divorce. I had another (selfish) motive as well. 

I wanted to protect myself from feeling betrayed. I was convinced it was inevitable my wife would fall into the arms of a fulling functioning man. I wanted to control that process to avoid another hurt.

Of course I kept this fear, and my goal to blow up our marriage to myself. I failed in my goal to blow up our marriage because my wife was fiercely determined to save our marriage. 

We needed additional help. I was too embarrassed to discuss my reactions to erectile dysfunction with a counselor!

In the end, my resistance was no match for my wife’s persistence. We received help from counseling and the Author of forgiveness our Lord and Savior. 

This song is my story and I pray it’s yours as well as you navigate the treacherous roads of coping with erectile dysfunction.

Here are the lyrics of:

Unbroken

By Joel Smallbone

Until today I believed

Without a doubt

I had gone down this road

Way too far

To turn around

I carry the weight of the past

On my back

Till' the day I die

But thanks to you

Now I realize

Every lie that's been told

Can be untold

And every soul that's been sold

Can be unsold

And every angry word that's been spoke

Can be unspoken

And every heart

That's been broke

Can be unbroken

I know that it takes a lot of guts

To tell the truth

And a heart won't be fixed overnight

When it's broke in two

You never gave up on me

Even though I kept pushing you away

You showed me how

It's not too late to change

Yeah...

And every lie that's been told

Can be untold

And every soul that's been sold

Can be unsold

And every angry word that's been spoke

Can be unspoken

And every heart

That's been broke

Can be unbroken

Be forgiven

It's never too late to be forgiven

Yeah, Ye-ah!

Cause every lie that's been told

Can be untold

And every soul that's been sold

Can be unsold

And every angry word that's been spoke

Can be unspoken

And every heart

That's been broke can be unbroken

Yeah can be unbroken 

If this song blessed you in any way, share it with your partner and anyone else that comes to mind.

https://youtu.be/YCNUh4jaxk

A New Year

 It’s 2022! 

What a privilege it is to grow old with my sweet wife.I remember when I subscribed to “youth’s universal illusion of immortality.”

In those days, I assumed I had decades of New Year’s Eves to celebrate.

Now, I’ve reached an age where I no longer assume I’ll be around to celebrate 2023.  

Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.

Some may think I’ve become morbid. 

Not me! I think I’ve finally aligned myself with reality. 

One of my go to Bible verses is this:                          Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.                                                                              ~ Psalm 90:12~

When Jesus knew he had 24 hours left to live, he did what was most important to him.

He said to his disciples:                                                Then He said to them, “With fervent desire I have desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer;                      ~ Luke 22:15~

On his last day on earth, Jesus was mindful to do the will of his Father in Heaven. Not only on his last day; every day.                                                                                May that be said about all of us!                                 Happy 2022!

The Importance of Laughter

 IF THE LAUGHTER HAS GONE OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP….DANGER WILL ROBINSON! WARNING, WARNING, WARNING!

“The couple that doesn’t laugh together has lost a critical healing component to their relationship.”

The Bible says:

Laughter (or a cheerful heart) is good medicine.    ~Proverbs 17:22~

“If you stop laughing together, your marriage can naturally slide into crisis mode.”

Another benefit of laughter in marriage:

“Research has found that laughter produces Oxytocin, a chemical in the brain also referred to as the bonding chemical.”

https://marriagemissions.com/laugh-marriage-mm-109/

As Brenda and I get older, we are discovering the process of aging provides a lot of material to laugh about.

For example, our mistakes in what we hear each other say is frequently hilarious.                                                   And.                                                                                 I’m also discovering as I age, my filtering abilities sometimes slip.

Brenda and I went to Pacific Grove to celebrate our forty-first anniversary.

The beach was windy, so we ordered take-out. We parked our car along side the ocean to enjoy the scenery while we ate.

I ordered salmon. Brenda ordered chicken. I suggested we cut our meals in half to share each other’s meals.

I was both shocked and disappointed when Brenda said “No.”

What was shocking to the both of us was my reaction to her hard pass on sharing meals.

In a loud voice I said:

“KEEP YOUR DAMN CHICKEN!”

There was a long pause. 

Then Brenda and I spontaneously burst out laughing together. My filter slipping gave us our biggest laugh of the day!

We’ve mastered the ability to laugh at our imperfections. I can say from experience, that’s a whole lot better than fighting about them.

I never forget the period in my life, in the beginning of my journey with prostate cancer. I went for months without as much as a single laugh.

I’ll never forget how our laughter returned. Brenda showed me a Charlie Brown comic in which Charlie learned the secret to coping with life was learning to hate one day at a time.

The idea struck me as brilliant!! I was hating my life months and years into the future. 

The contrast between my coping and Charlie Brown’s coping struck me as hilarious. I roared with laughter. My sense of humor returned! 

When I felt called to write a book about our experiences I wanted to do something which I thought might not be possible. I wanted the title of a book about cancer to bring a smile or a laugh.

In other words, I wanted the healing process of laughter to begin as soon as someone looked at the cover of our book.

I prayed for weeks. The picture below, the cover of our book was the result of an answered prayer. I made sure the humor didn’t begin and end with the book cover.

A reader’s review said it best:

“With humor and candor, Rick tackles difficult to discuss topics such as living with a catheter, urinary incontinence, depression, erectile dysfunction, and penile rehab. 

In addition, there are informative chapters about how to share the news with others and how to cope with their reactions, what to expect during the process, why he opted for surgery, insurance questions, dealing with lack of sleep, returning to work, and more.”

If you’ve learned to laugh with cancer, and all the related issues mentioned above, your sense of humor is priceless.

If you’ve learned to laugh with your spouse, your marriage will go the distance.