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I don’t keep track of the anniversary dates of major events in my life, so I was surprised when Brenda told me that March 17 was the 15th anniversary date of my prostatectomy at UCSF.
Fifteen years ago, we didn’t know whether my prostate cancer was life threatening, or caught early enough for surgery to offer a cure.
Prior to surgery, my Urologist gave me this warning:
“Given your urological history, you might never regain urinary control.”
This was a somber, life altering warning, which when compared to the threat of dying from cancer, it was easy to ignore.
However, after a month of living with the total loss of urinary control, and living in diapers 24/7, I hated the quality of my life.
As I projected the quality of my life of living in diapers for decades, I became seriously depressed.
I was sorry I survived the surgery.
Since I hadn’t learned how to manage living in diapers without leaking and wetting my pants, I refused to leave the house.
While folks around me were delighted and celebrated the news that my cancer was confined to my prostate, and there was reason to believe I was cured of prostate cancer, I didn’t want to see, or talk to anyone.
I just wanted to die.
Eventually, I learned how to live in diapers without wetting myself on a regular basis, and I began re-engaging with people, and the outside world.
It took three months, but I surprised my Urologist when I regained urinary control.
Unfortunately our lives didn’t return to normal, because double nerve sparing surgery did not live up to its expectation of the restoration of sexual functioning.
We spent the next five years living in the most difficult era of what’s now our forty-five year marriage.
It took me five years to find a surgical solution to what prostate cancer surgery took away.
Why am I sharing all of this?
*Because prostate cancer is NOT a man’s disease. It is a COUPLE’S disease.
*Because most folks believe once a treatment or surgery cures a cancer, life goes back to normal, and the couple live happily ever after.
They have no idea that life after the “cure” can be hell on earth.
That people, relationships, and marriages suffer.
Don’t assume folks are living a happy ever after life, when in fact the cure can be as bad as the disease.
I’ve known men to commit suicide, even though they received news that a prostatectomy cured their cancer.
I’ve known couples to divorce after a prostatectomy cured their cancer.
Often the biggest battles a man and a couple face, occur after the quality of life is seriously altered after prostate surgery.
That’s the reason Brenda and I wrote two books, and I still maintain Facebook Support Groups, fifteen years later.
We were blessed to spend the last decade with a happily ever after ending, but it took a surgery, professional counseling, and answered prayers to get us there.
My wife and I wrote two books. The first was written to help men and couples understand how living without a prostate affects men and couples.
Here’s the link:
The second book describes the impact of the loss of erectile functioning has on both men and couples and provides information on a surgery to restore sexual functioning.
Here’s the link:
