Why Rejection Hurts

When my book I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours? was first published I sent a copy of the book to Family Life Today. I was told it would take a minimum of three months for the review process. I waited until the 4th month before making a follow up call. When I called I was hoping to receive the good news that this important and effective ministry dedicated to strengthening marriages would be interested in a faith based book written to strengthen the relationship of couples coping with prostate cancer.  Sadly I received the news this topic did not fit in with their priorities.

When I hung up the phone I found myself feeling hurt, angry and rejected. For four months I thought my book had a serious chance to be utilized. The fact of the matter was it never had a chance. I wish I could have received this information before I sent the book in for review.

I have nothing but respect for the work and ministry of Family Life today. I understand they don’t focus on how diseases effect marriages. Even though I've come to the conclusion this wasn't a rejection, I still felt  rejected.

I don’t know your history with rejection, but I know mine. I've been turned down on dates. I've had women say “no” when I asked them to dance. I've been stood up more than once and had a few “it’s not you, it’s me” heart-breaking kind of breakups. All of those experiences occurred decades ago. I've been happily married for thirty-three years. Based on the intensity my feelings, I've come to believe that your whole history with rejection gets re-activated and re-experienced. Therefore, those old feelings of hurt come right back as if they were fresh wounds.

Admittedly I've also experienced a number of fresh wounds.  I can’t find any Christian organizations interested in supporting men and couples coping with prostate cancer. I've visited six Churches in my community. I've donated books to Church libraries and wrote letters to the Pastors explaining that 1 in 6 men in their congregation will find themselves diagnosed with prostate cancer.

Not a single Church asked for additional information, or invited my wife and/or I to speak to the Seniors at any Church about prostate cancer, even though we offered to do that.  Not a single Church that accepted the book into their library sent a thank-you note for the donation. One Mega-church in my community turned down the book donation, and refused to take a free copy for their Pastor.

I expected to find more doors opened than closed. I expected to find support and encouragement. My assumptions and expectations were wrong.  More doors will be closed than opened. Words of encouragement and support will be few and far between.

One response to rejection is to take yourself out of the game, so you don't experience this rejection over and over again. I'm no where near that place. When I feel rejected, I think of someone who is near and dear to my soul was also rejected:
 But first He must suffer many things and be rejected by this generation. 
(Luke 17:25-26 NKJV)

Because He was rejected, I know this:
For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 
(Heb 4:15-16 NKJV)

Whenever I feel hurt, rejected, frustrated or disappointed, I know it's time to take those feelings straight to the throne of grace where I receive the acceptance and encouragement I need to press on.

What’s your source of comfort when you feel rejected or alone?

Who Says I'm a Failure?

As I was training for my Masters Degree in Social Work I learned about Freudian concepts, as well cognitive therapy. Very little was taught about the role of siblings, peers, and school teachers in the development of our self-esteem. Currently, it is recognized that our siblings play an important role in our self-image and self esteem.

I don’t know how old I was when my sister told me I was fat. That wasn't true, but for an entire year I refused to wear shorts. I didn't want anyone to see my “fat” legs.  As I look at pictures from that time in my life, I feel a sense of sorrow that I believed what my sister said rather than what was obvious to the eye when looking at my pictures. I was a very skinny child whose body image was messed up because my sister decided to tease me by telling me I was fat. Unfortunately I believed her rather than the reflection I saw in the mirror.

She was the smart one in the family. Her teachers enjoyed having her in the classroom. I was very different. It was a disaster for me to be in class if a teacher had experience teaching my sister before me. Undoubtedly, the teacher would make an unfavorable comparison more than once during my time with that teacher. It didn't take long for me to resent both my sister and my teachers.

While I hated the comparisons the fact was my sister was consistently an A student, while I struggled to get C's and D's. Beginning in Kindergarten, I learned the best way for me to get attention was to act out in class. Rather than receiving praise from teachers, my teachers devised special punishment dittos I had complete after school in detention. My experience with detentions began in Elementary School and continued throughout High School.

Many of my teachers made it clear they didn't like me. I remember one teaching telling me she wished I’d get sick so she wouldn't have to see me in her class. From Elementary School through High School  I was a very slow learner. I was put in special classes for slow students. In High School, while all my friends were deciding on what college to attend, my adviser told me I wasn't college material. She suggested I forget about college and learn a trade.

My friends were academically brilliant. They were all A students in Elementary School, High School & in College. I was the dumbest kid in my peer group.  My friends did what kids do, they teased and reminded me of this fact many times throughout the majority of my Elementary and High School life.

These experiences had a profound effect on my self-esteem. Even though I went to college and graduated with honors when I received my Bachelor’s Degree and my Masters Degree, I attributed my success to taking easy classes rather than believe I’d earned those honors. I always considered myself an academic dummy.

I've come to believe all of us have a committee in our heads. Most of the members of our committee are  siblings, peers, teachers, parents, and a few people who for better or worse had a major impact on our lives.

If you were blessed with the capacity to get good grades, had a skill that was valued, or had the status of being in a high valued peer group, the chances are you have some fans on your committee. They are the ones  who believed in you, who encouraged you or  had a positive impact on your life. These committee members  provide you with positive feedback and encouragement when you need it.

From the other direction, if you did poorly in school, were in a low status peer group, or had family members who were highly critical, abusive, or absent in your life, the chances are that the majority of your committee members are not your fans. In fact they consist of a group of individuals who are highly critical of who you are and what you do. They are your detractors who never have anything positive to say.

My committee recently held a meeting after a week went by without selling a single copy of my book I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours? on the Amazon website. I was surprised to hear from committee members that I fired long ago. I wrote down some of their remarks.

Committee member #1 said “I told you not to write that book.” #2 said “I warned you that you’d lose a lot of money if you self published your book.” #3 said “You're not smart enough to write a book, why would you think anyone would read something you wrote?

Then I heard from the Chairman of the board. He had the most to say. Here’s the summary of His remarks:
He began by saying well done good and faithful servant. If you didn't sell a single copy of your book, I’d still be well pleased because you were faithful writing down the ideas I gave to you. We both know your book won two awards this year and it will win a third award before the year is out.  Your on-line diary has received more than 40,000 page views. Your blog has more than 5,000 page views.  Your website receives more than a thousand page views a month. Your Pre-Surgery Forum and Post-Surgery Forum set a record number of visits when 100 people visited the forums in a 24 hour period this week. You've received more than 90 likes on your author Facebook page and the number of page likes grows higher every day. If you examine your website and book statistics you'll notice you are helping people with prostate cancer in this country and  around the world.

It's important for you to understand, the awards you've received, the amount of  people you reached, or the number of books you've sell does not determine your success or failure in my eyes.  It makes no difference to Me whether you sell one book or a million books. What matters to me is whether whether or not you've been faithful and obedient carrying out the mission I've placed in your heart.

Therefore, give up your worldly definitions of success and accept what's really important, My blessing and approval.  I know you've invested a lot of your money in this ministry. I've asked you to leave comfort zone many times. It was necessary to take risks and develop new skills in order to spread the word about the ways in which I can help others cope with prostate cancer.  I'm pleased with all that you've done in My name.

I was grateful to receive that message from  the Chairman of my board.  If you've got too many critical board members on your committee, or you'd know you need a new Chairman of the Board, this Bible verse is for you:

 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.  (Cor 5:17-18 NKJV)

When Jesus became the Chairman of my Board,  I gained the authority (and ability) to fire my entire committee. The old fired members sometimes pay me a visit, but I've learned to ignore their remarks. I wait to hear from the one person that matters, the Chairman of my Board, who is Jesus. With your invitation, He's willing to become the Chairman of your Board  if you invite Him into your life as Lord and Savior.

 I've had decades of experience with Jesus as my Chairman, I can tell you that if you allow Jesus to be the Chairman of your Board, (as well as your Lord & Savior) your life will never be same. Will you accept His invitation?

An addendum:
One day after writing this blog I sold both soft covered and Kindle editions of my book on Amazon. While I was delighted  this occurred, I didn't feel any more of  a success on that day than I felt the week prior when no books sold. Lesson learned, Thank-you Jesus.

Important Life Lessons I've Learned From Our New Puppy

                                                       Life Lessons From A Puppy

Toby was 7 months old when he came into our home and our lives.  The woman who previously had Toby during a critical time in his developmental life was diagnosed with cancer. It’s unlikely she was well enough to spend time socializing Toby with other dogs or exposing him to a variety of new situations, places, and new people. She returned him to the pet shop at 6 months of age because she wasn’t well enough to care for him.  Toby spent the next month in a glass cage by himself at the pet store. When we took him home, he was 7 months old.

Toby is very shy dog. He’s sensitive to all novel circumstances. He is easily spooked. For example upon a taking a walk we walked over a grate. It made a noise that frightened Toby.  For five consecutive walks after that experience Toby would freeze, sit down, and refuse to walk forward every time he saw a grate. In other words he developed a phobia about grates after one unpleasant experience with an unexpected noise. I was shocked he could develop such a strong negative reaction based on a single experience. I knew immediately he’d be the most difficult dog I’d ever trained in my life.

I don’t believe in giving a puppy free access to food.  I believe puppies should  work/train in order to earn their meal. One of our first lessons I wanted Toby to learn had to do with trusting me with his food. I began our lesson with feeding him by hand. At first he’d take some of his food in his mouth and run some distance away in order to eat it. Once he finished he’d repeat this cycle. He never got tired of this. He’d take his food and run away.

 We did this for many days until the day came when he decided to stay close and eat in my presence. Once he started doing this, I’d surprise him by adding an additional tasty treat. Now, he wants me to rub him while he eats close by. However, a sneeze or cough can send him scurrying away. Now that he trusts me he’ll comes back quickly. It’s going to take weeks, possibly months to desensitize him. What makes this task more challenging is Toby’s refusal to take food when he’s frightened.

Toby gave us a demonstration of how easily it is to lose his trust. My daughter Kate was using powder. She decided it would be fun to powder Toby’s nose. Had I been there, I would have warned her not to do that. After she powered Toby’s nose he ran away from her. When Kate tried to call him back Toby wouldn’t come, instead he actively avoided her. I told Kate it could take days for Toby to regain his trust in her. I’ve had dogs all my life but I’d never lived with a dog with such a sensitive spirit.

Watching how much purposeful work and time it took for Toby to regain trust in Kate taught me a valuable lesson.  I’ve learned I can’t yell when I’m frustrated or raise my voice when I’m angry. Physically punishing him with a corrective jerk from his choke collar is out of the question.  As I typed the last sentence Toby found the wire to my laptop and began chewing it. A firm “no” brought Toby’s chewing on the wire to an immediate halt. He came to me expecting something positive to happen. I didn’t disappoint him.  I stopped typing to retrieve and offer him his rope chew toy. He happily took his chew toy to his pillow and chewed on the rope to his heart’s content. For good measure, I use my clicker (which I wear on my wrist at all times) to click/treat him for chewing on his toy. Both of us were pleased with this outcome.

I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t train Toby the way he needs to be trained. I’m out of my league and I need help. Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, the help I need won’t come from a dog trainer. The help I need must come from the Lord. I need the fruit of the Spirit which is:

….. love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Gal 5:22-23 (NKJV)

I don’t posses any of these traits. I’m easily frustrated, short tempered, prone to use punishment, gruff, and lacking in self-control.  The personality traits I possess are the exact opposite of what Toby needs to learn and to thrive. The good news is I don’t train Toby with my personality traits. I train him when I have access to the fruit of the Spirit. In those moments we are a great team. Both Toby and I are doing so well together. He’s a fantastic dog who challenges me to solve problems and teach me ways that don’t come natural to me. In fact it’s hard to know who is training who. It’s clear we are both training each other. The end result of Toby’s training will transform him into a well-trained and affectionate friend. The end result in my training will transform me into a better person. It’s a win-win. Toby will be a better dog and I’ll be a better person. You can’t lose when you are living a Spirit controlled life.

I wonder what aspects of life you’ve encountered where you realize you don’t have what it takes to do the task well. For me it’s parenting. As Father’s Day approaches I’m vividly aware of how important it is for me to be a Spirit controlled father. I confess I spent way too much of time as a Father using my own personality. That was unfortunate for me and for my children. The good news is that it’s not too late. In the same way I can be a better trainer for Toby, I can also be a better Dad to my children and a better husband to my wife.

I want to give Toby special thanks for teaching me that lesson.

Thank You Prostate Cancer

This week my wife and I adopted a puppy. The timing was bad, but the story was compelling to us. Toby was sold to a woman when he was 7 weeks old. A few months later she was diagnosed cancer. Given the effects of radiation she found herself unable to care for her new puppy. She asked the Pet Store if they would take him back. He said he would.

The dog was at the pet store for a month before we met him. He was selling for 1/6 the price of a King Charles Spaniel, and my wife has always wanted this breed. So even though the timing wasn't right, we made a heart decision rather than head decision and took him home with us.

Today our second day wasn't an easy one. There was lots of crying. When I woke up I found Toby's crate full of poop, so was Toby. That's the hazard of living in a pet store. The dogs get use to laying in their own pee and poop. Today my head was laughing manically at my heart saying: "I warned you, but you didn't listen."

 Last night Toby's previous owner was given our phone number. I understand she is receiving radiation treatment and may not feel well enough to call.  I'm praying she will call us so we can give her pictures, updates, and even a visit if she so desires. That said, it could be too painful and she could want a clean break. Time will tell.

If I had not been diagnosed with prostate cancer, we wouldn't have adopted this dog. If I had not been diagnosed with prostate cancer and we had adopted him, I wouldn't have thought at all about contacting the previous owner who is coping with cancer. I wouldn't have offered to send pictures, give updates or visit her at home.

 It's nice to see that having prostate cancer has given me new sensitivities. So I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you prostate cancer, and more importantly, thank you Lord. This verse has come true in my life:
 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Rom 8:28 NKJV)

It's a promise you can claim as well if Jesus is your Lord & Savior.

How My Experience With Prostate Cancer Influenced My Decision To Get A New Puppy

On 6/4/13 My wife and I did something that defied logic. Let me re-phrase that. We used heart logic rather than head logic. On 6/3/13 we visited a pet store that sells puppies. We weren't in the market for a puppy we just wanted to see the breeds they were selling.

Visiting any place that has puppies is a dangerous activity for me because I have a soft spot for dogs. I usually find at least one I’d like to take home with me. Yesterday was not an exception to that rule. On our visit we saw a beautiful 7 month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.  For years Brenda has longed for a Caviler King Charles Spaniel but the $1,500 price tag was more than we could afford.

This dog was much older than the all the other puppies in the store.  We were struck by the price tag. He was selling for 1/6 of the price we've seen  Cavaliers sell for.  Despite the deep discount and the fact that the dog was quite lovable, we made it out of the pet store that day with out taking him home.

The next day I called the pet store owner who happened to be the breeder as well. I wanted to know the dog’s history. There was no way I’d purchase a 7 month old dog who’d been in a cage by himself for 7 months. The owner/breeder  told me the following story:
The pup was sold when he was 7 weeks old. The women who purchased him was diagnosed with cancer shortly after she brought him home. She realized given her disease and the treatments she required there was no way she could take care of a puppy. She called the pet store and asked if they would take him back. They said they would.

He’d been back in the pet store for about a month. Since he was now 7 months old, they reduced the price so they could find him a new home quickly. On both our visits we noticed that Toby was very shy. Under normal circumstances I would not adopt a dog with his temperament.  Yet somehow, being  prostate cancer survivors, my wife and I felt a special bond to this pup who lost his home because his owner had cancer.  We took him home that day.

We also felt a bond to a woman we never met. She’s not only coping with a recent diagnosis of cancer, she is also coping with the loss of her beloved pet. Tomorrow I’m calling the pet store one more time. I’m hoping the owner/breeder has the previous owner’s phone number. We want to tell her that her dog has a new home where he’ll be well cared for and loved. We also want to ask her if she’s well enough and interested in having us visit with Toby.  I hope this will be possible.

As I reflect on the fact that I've got to train a new puppy who is going to require months of training, and who isn't housebroken, I wonder if I've lost my mind. Truthfully, I don't know if it was the compelling story, the amazing price, the fact that I'm a sucker for cute dogs, or a combination of all three that came together in a way that resulted in our making a 10-15 year commitment to love and care for Toby.

This much my wife and I agree upon, sometimes in life it’s important to throw logic out the window and listen to your heart. Because we did that, here's the newest member of our family.

After the call to the pet store I'll write a follow up note about our efforts to locate Toby's previous owner.

A Personality Trait Necessary For Success

Have you ever wondered- What’s the difference between someone who is successful and someone who isn’t?

What personality trait enabled Abraham Lincoln amount to anything when he had this list of failures:
Lost job, 1832,Defeated for legislature, 1832, Failed in business, 1833,Sweetheart (Ann Rutledge) died, 1835,Had nervous breakdown, 1836, Defeated for Speaker, 1838, Defeated for nomination for Congress, 1843,Rejected for Land Officer, 1849
Defeated for Senate, 1854, Defeated for nomination for Vice-President, 1856,Again defeated for Senate, 1858
Elected as President 1860.

Do these events sound like they come from a super athlete?
I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
Michael Jordan

Thomas Edison provides us with the answer to a personality trait that necessary for success with two quotes about failure:
 “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”

The personality trait necessary for success is perseverance, which is a steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success. I’m not into poems, so I’m not an authority as to what the best poem might be about any topic, but this is clearly a great poem about the value of perseverance:

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
 When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
 When the funds are low and the debts are high,
 And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
 When care is pressing you down a bit-
 Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
 As every one of us sometimes learns,
 And many a fellow turns about
 When he might have won had he stuck it out.
 Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
 You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
 It seems to a faint and faltering man;
 Often the struggler has given up
 When he might have captured the victor's cup;
 And he learned too late when the night came down,
 How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
 The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
 And you never can tell how close you are,
 It might be near when it seems afar;
 So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
 It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
Unknown

I don’t know what challenge in life you are facing where temptation and/or logic leads to you to believe quitting makes sense. I do know it is the presence of preserving, not the facts, that frequently makes the difference between success and failure. A very important question to ask yourself today is: What area of my life currently requires perseverance in order to turn failure into success?

The last and most important question to ask is where can I get the perseverance I need to order to succeed?
Some folks were born with this trait, others developed it over time. It's very possible to achieve great things with your own God-given level of perseverance. For those people, Jesus has a warning:
For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? (Mark 8:36-37)

In some ways I feel blessed that I'm frequently tempted to quit. I know I can't rely on my own level of perseverance. I need to tap into the best and most powerful source of perseverance. It’s found in a relationship with Jesus.

Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;  and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Rom 5:1-5)

Jesus wants to give you more than perseverance. He takes the things that could destroy you to produce perseverance, character and hope. For me that's offer too good to refuse. Each of us must ask ourselves if you want to enter into a relationship with Jesus, so He could  pour His power, His perseverance, His character and hope  into your life.

I often marvel how many people turn down this offer and say to the Creator of this universe "I'd rather do it myself!"

I've taken Jesus up on His offer. I can testify that Jesus took me from being frightened out of my mind when I received the diagnosis of prostate cancer and transformed me into an award winning author who shares his transformation with others.  I'll be expressing and sharing my gratitude for the rest of my life. What will you do with Jesus offer to you?

How To Gain a Heart of Wisdom

                                                                 Ps 90:12
                        So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom.

A common question adults ask of children is “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Children often answer this question with a career choice such as a Doctor or Fireman, etc. If you move up the developmental and maturational ladder, by asking the same question to college kids it’s more than likely you’ll receive a similar answer in terns of hearing about a career choice.

As I ask myself that question now that I’m less than a decade away from retirement, my answer is completely different and has nothing to do with a career choice. I’d like to be known and remembered for two things. First I’d like to be known for my capacity to love, and second I’d like to be known for possessing a heart of wisdom.

I suspect you can’t possess the former without possessing the latter. The Bible clearly says that knowing what it means to number our days will led us to a heart of wisdom. So what does it mean to number our days and what wisdom might we gain from doing so?

There is a healthy way to number your days and an unhealthy way to number your days.  I don’t know why, but I always find it much easier to discover the unhealthy ways. For example I’m currently on vacation in Florida. As the days move closer to our departure day, I’m not only counting the days, I’m feeling very sad as I do so.  Rather than enjoy my final days in Florida, I could easy waste and ruin the time by focusing my attention on the fact I have so little time left and immerse myself in my feeling sad and/or miserable about a wonderful vacation drawing to a close.

A far better decision is to accept the sadness and at the same time realize I have two full days left to enjoy. It’s important to ask my wife and myself how can we make the best use of our time.  We can discover what we’d like to do and experience,  before our time in Florida comes to an end.

To gain a heart of wisdom we can’t live our lives (or our vacations) as if we have all the time in the world. Time is one of our most precious commodes. I wonder how differently we’d live if we’d ask ourselves each and every day what would we do, where would we go, and what would we say to people in our lives if we knew today was our last day to live.

I once asked that question to a man with a type A personality. He said “I’d go to work like I do every day, but I’d bring my child with me!”  His answer is a great example of an unhealthy way to respond to numbering your days.

Prostate cancer or any other potentially life threatening illness, (as well as the process of aging) are vivid reminders that life is short. As we number our days we can ask ourselves some important questions:
1. What do I want to accomplish in my life?
2. What must I do to make those accomplishments a reality?
3. How and what would I be remembered for if I died today?
4. Is that how I want to be remembered? If not what do I need to do to change the way I’d be remembered?
5. Are there things I need to attend to that I've been putting off?
6. Are there things I need to say or do before it’s too late?
7. Are there things I regret that I can do something about?
8. If I stood before the throne of judgement would I hear Jesus say:
      'Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you  
      ruler over many things. Enter into  the joy of your lord.' (Matt 25:23)

As you read this I have no doubt some very important questions will come to your mind. As they do, write them down. Set some new goals, take the necessary actions to minimize if not eliminate the regrets you have. Use the gifts and talents you've been given to serve and love other people.  Learn to number your days to gain a heart of wisdom.