Two Types of Comforters- The Good & The Miserable-Which Are You?

                                                        Types of Comforters
I never thought that some day I'd find myself sharing the news that I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. In the book of Job we find two types of comforters. The good comforter and the miserable one. It's relatively easy to know which type of comfort your receiving. Here was Job's reaction to miserable comfort:
 Job 16:2-4
Miserable comforters are you all!  Shall words of wind have an end? Or what provokes you that you answer?  I also could speak as you do, If your soul were in my soul's place. I could heap up words against you, And shake my head at you; 

Clearly Job was  frustrated as a result of receiving their comfort. In fact it is safe to say their "words of comfort" added to his pain. In contrast to miserable comfort Job describes how one receives good comfort:

Job 16:5 But I would strengthen you with my mouth, And the comfort of my lips would relieve your grief. When a person receives good comfort the pain of the moment may linger, but there is feeling of relief that someone understands your pain. 

As I've shared the news I have cancer I've discovered most reactions fall within two groups:

Group#1 This group that responds to the news by sharing a personal experience:
Your initial reaction to someone offering this comfort could be frustration because it appears they are not reacting to what you said, but moved to completely different personal experience they've had with cancer. t's important to listen carefully to the story they've shared because it's through that filter of their experience they are viewing your cancer.For example one of my employees first question to me was: "How much pain are you feeling?"  I realized that her concern came from her personal experience, so I asked her the following question: "Who in your life experienced pain with their cancer diagnosis?"

Without a moments hesitation she began telling me about her mom, who died of bone cancer. I told her that I didn't have bone cancer. I also told her that prostate cancer is for the most part painless. Therefore men can have it for decades and not even know it's there. Once I helped her differentiate her experiences from mine we could talk in the present without her experiences filtering what she was hearing from me.,

Another example was this comment from a close friend.  He said: "I'm sorry to hear that. My dad died of prostate cancer." Initially that comment added to my anxiety.I  wanted to run away from him and my circumstances. Then I realized what he was really saying here was this: In my experience with prostate cancer tells me it's deadly, and I'm worried you are going to die too. At that point you can share your own fears about cancer being a death sentence if that's your worry, because this person will understand your fears. Therefore, the story they share with you gives you a window into how they are experiencing the news you just shared with them. There is an opportunity to receive comfort from this group of people.

Group#2 This group of people offer a comfort cliché. That is to say they offer a few sentences designed to keep you from sharing anything further with them. So they might say: Cheer up" or "I'll pray for you" After they say their few words they are done. It's obvious they don't want to make a deep connection or know more about your  circumstances. They are much more concerned about saying something which they believe will make feel me better, and/or make themselves better. So I'll listen to their cliché, say a perfunctory thank you and walk away. I put those folks on a list of people whom not to share anything remotely intimate. If we are friends I may share facts like I'll be going in for surgery, or I'll be home from the hospital on such in such date but I will make it a point NOT to share a single emotional, relational, spiritual, or physical struggle.

                                             Sources of Comfort Good Comfort

People further along in the journey than you are: These are men who've been diagnosed and have lived with prostate cancer for years longer than you. They may offer appropriate comfort, information and support. They are people you want on your team.

Comfort from God:
2 Cor 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. I found this source of comfort to be the best. I found comfort in answered prayers, in promises in the Bible, hymns and praise songs. To face prostate cancer without this source of  comfort is a serious mistake.

Questions to consider:
1. Who in my circle of friends and family offer good comfort.
2. Who in my circle of friends and family offer miserable comfort.
3. What are  your reactions to receiving miserable comfort?
4. What are your reactions to receiving good comfort?
5. What type of comforter are you?
6. Is God a source of comfort for you? If so,  how so? If not what do you need to do in order to invite God      into your circumstances?

The Power of Words in Encourage or Discourage Us

This weekend I heard from someone who read my article titled "Life Lessons on Coping with Cancer" "

Here's what he said: Inspirational and very well written. Thanks for sharing Rick!"

Then I heard this from a man who read "I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours? He said:"

I found that no detail was omitted in any of the 42 chapters of this book. It has now become my number one source of information relating to the effects and recovery from Prostate Cancer. Well done."

I'm encouraged by the words I've heard this weekend. In my life and I'm sure in yours we all experienced the power that words have to encourage or discourage us.

A Bible verse came to my mind: Prov 15:23 And a word spoken in due season, how good it is! Sadly I think I remember the discouraging more vividly than the encouraging remarks because the first quote that came to my mind was this:

I'm so sorry you have prostate cancer, that's what killed my dad.

Much much later on when my sanity returned,(there are some in my family that suggest I've never had sanity to lose) I understood why he made that remark. As a friend who loved me dearly, he heard the news and was expressing his own fear and personal experience with about prostate cancer. He was also wondering whether I like his dad would die from prostate cancer. At that time I thought I would die from prostate cancer. I'd been complaining of bone pain months before I was diagnosed. After I received the diagnosis I was convinced that cancer had spread to my bones and I'd be dead within in a year. Thankfully the CT scan showed no bone cancer. (which is when I believe my sanity returned)

When I heard his Dad died from prostate cancer my fears increased ten-fold. At the time, I didn't think that was possible! As a result, I stopped telling people I had prostate cancer for many weeks. The last thing I needed or wanted to hear was another remark that would increase my terror.
Another discouraging remark occurred when I shared how difficult it was for me to cope with losing urinary control and live with changing my diapers 15 times a day.The comment was:

That's not so bad, at least your alive.

At the time I was wishing I hadn't survived my surgery. After that remark, I gave up trying to talk about my experiences with healthy people. I'd only share with men on-line or with men who'd been through something similar.

Today I'm greatly encouraged by the words I received this weekend. I consider it to be a blessing to use my experiences to help others. Unfortunately,  though, I've something about myself that I need to change. It's much easier for me to remember the discouraging words and act upon them rather than it is for me to keep encouraging words in my heart. With encouraging words I feel good for a moment and then they disappear. Discouraging words cause me to make decisions that affect me for days, weeks or years. I need to reverse this process and rid my mind of the discouraging words, and fill my mind with encouraging words.

What about you? What words of comfort built you up and encouraged you and what words  discouraged you and affected you for days, weeks, months, or years?

10 Tips For Coping With Prostate Cancer

1. Don’t Rush Into Treatment- By the time a man is old enough to receive a diagnosis of prostate cancer, the odds are he’s known friends and/for family who died as a result of cancer. Past experiences, assumptions about cancer, and fear rather than specifics of their diagnosis often drive men to chose unnecessary aggressive treatment options. A diagnosis of prostate cancer does mean you face a life-threatening emergency. Some prostate cancers are so slow in growing you can go decades without aggressive treatment. Base your treatment decision on the specifics of your diagnosis, not from your pre-existing fears about cancer.

2. Don’t face prostate cancer alone. Put together a team to help you cope as well as to help you make the best possible treatment decision. Your team should include Doctors from different fields of treating prostate cancer, friends, family, clergy and other people coping with prostate cancer. Make sure your team includes people who are further along the journey of coping with prostate cancer than you are. If you’d like meet with people face to face, Us Too has a very large person to person support groups around the country. If you are more comfortable with the anonymity an on-line support group offers there are many great on-line prostate cancer support groups to join.

3. It’s OK to admit you are afraid. Take the time to process your fears about your diagnosis of cancer. Find other prostate cancer Survivors to speak to about your fears about cancer. Get support from many members of your team.

4. Don’t forget your partner- Both of you are facing cancer and your partner needs comfort and support too.

5.   Find ways to bring laughter into your situation. I went on-line to find jokes about prostate cancer. My fear was so powerful, I knew  laughter could help me overcome my fears. Find many ways to laugh. Watch situation comedies, rent funny movies, and spend   lots of time with the people who make you laugh.

6. I found that songs helped alleviate my fears. Secular songs like Lean on Me by Bill Withers, praise songs like Blessings by Laura Story, and hymns like It Is Well With My Soul song by Chris Rice, provided me with comfort and hope.

7. I can’t imagine coping with cancer without prayer. Praying invites God into your circumstances. Things I found helpful to pray for were for peace, wisdom, grace, and laughter. Praying to be healed isn’t a prayer that’s always answered but it’s something important to pray for.

8. Enjoy your life in a new way. The old expression “take time to smell the roses” applies. You may discover your priorities will change, the things you value, what’s important or how you spend your time can change as a result of your experience with cancer.

9. Learn to Celebrate. You can celebrate when you've made a treatment decision, when a friend reaches out, when a prayer is answered, when a relationship is restored, when you are able to laugh. Find as many things as you can to celebrate. Don’t celebrate along, invite others to share the things you celebrate.

10. Allow your experience with your own mortality change you for the better. Develop new perspectives on what’s important in your life. Become a peacemaker. As far as you are able try to end grudges with family and friends. Reach out and put your best efforts into restoring broken relationships. Become a better listener. Become kinder, more generous, forgiving, and loving. Allow your experience with prostate cancer and your mortality to transform you into a better person.

Receiving A Diagnosis of Prostate Cancer is a Disruptive Moment

Disruptive moments are what Gordon MacDonald, author of The Life God Blesses, describes as an unpleasant slice of life . Disruptive moments frequently occur in the context of what begins as a routine day. Suddenly and unexpectedly, something happens that brings about an unwanted, unwelcome, and sometimes catastrophic change in your circumstances, health, or well-being.

On one such routine day for me, I had a doctor’s appointment to obtain a prescription refill. While I sat in the waiting room, thanking God for my current state of good health, I could never have imagined that was I was fifteen minutes way from experiencing a disruptive moment.  During my appointment, my urologist examined my prostate. He felt a “suspicious lump,” which a biopsy would later confirm was prostate cancer.

Philippians 4:6–7 came to mind. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (NKJ, Thomas Nelson). Unfortunately, I didn’t experience a reduction in anxiety or the peace of God.

I knew too many people who had died from a variety of different cancers.  Additionally, I’d spent two years as a medical social worker. I left that career, and my wife left her career in medical oncology because of our mutual need to get away from suffering and death. The diagnosis of prostate cancer brought these words to my mind: excruciating pain, suffering, and death.

Based on my experiences with cancer, I felt fear, terror, and endured many sleepless nights. The fact that my faith made little or no difference in the way I was coping intensified my fears. During this phase in my journey, I prayed for three things: wisdom—because I needed to chose a way to treat my cancer; peace—because sleepless nights were interfering with my ability to cope; and the ability to find humor everywhere I could. Our prayers and the prayers of others were answered.

It became evident to us we were called to write a book to help others cope with prostate cancer. Since we’ve written our book, we’ve had the opportunity to share our experiences on radio talk shows.  I’ve been invited to write articles for magazines. I designed and host an online, faith-based pre- and post-prostate surgery support forum, which receives thousands of page views per month.  This month, our local newspaper is doing a feature story about our ministry. We stand in awe at the number of doors that continue to open for us to help others. None of this would have or could have happened if we ignored the call to write our book.

Connect with Rick Redner: http://www.whereisyourprostate.com/

Thanksgiving Day Thoughts From a Prostate Cancer Survivor

Thanksgiving thoughts -I find it very easy to be thankful when great things happen, when the blessings flow, and things are going my way. In fact on most Thanksgiving meals we go around the table and share something positive that happened during the year that we're thankful for. 

For me the most amazing verses the in Bible about thanksgiving are from: Hab 3:17-18

Though the fig tree may not blossom,
Nor fruit be on the vines;
Though the labor of the olive may fail,
And the fields yield no food;
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls--
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation. 

All those events taken together spell nothing less than a disaster of immense proportions. Even though Habakkuk lived through these events, his reaction was to rejoice in the Lord. That doesn't mean he was glad or happy about the awful things that happened. It means he re-focused his attention from his circumstances to a God who loved him. 

I certainly didn't feel like rejoicing in the Lord, nor did I feel the joy of my salvation when I received the news I had prostate cancer. It took many many months and sleepless nights before my faith began making a difference in how I experienced the reality of living life without my prostate. Almost 3 years post surgery there are issues that I experience every day that remind me that I left my prostate in San Francisco. 

After reading this verse this year,  I decided to re-focus my attention away from the things I'm  thankful for. This Thanksgiving I'm challenging myself  to take the worst things that have happened this year and find ways to rejoice in the Lord and find joy in the God of my salvation. Anyone else willing to do this?

 (I'll spend other days thanking God for the amazing blessings I've received this year.)

Am I Really "A Basket Case"?

Someone who read I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours? posted a review on Amazon.com describing my wife and me as "basket cases" I must confess I went through a range of emotions. The first was anger. I didn't mind being attacked as much having someone attack my wife.  I wanted to strike back in some way. After the anger died down, then came hurt. We poured our hearts out into that book and shared very intimate details of our lives in order to help others. I couldn't believe someone would be so callous as to call us "basket cases".


Then the learning began. It occurred  to me that whenever you step into the public eye, especially if your motivated by your faith as Brenda & I are,  you can expect to run into two types of opposition. The first is haters. They will do what they can to betray or hurt you. They take a perverse pleasure in causing you harm.

The second form of opposition is detractors. They're the folks who'll say awful things about you personally or what you are trying to do. We had our first experience with a Detractor with someone who reviewed our book on an Amazon Review. He used his review to attack Brenda & I personally.

I've learned can't reason with a hater or detractor, It's God who has the power to transform Haters and Detractors. Paul was a hater. He help kill new believers.He was transformed by the Lord. That's what you do with Detractors and Haters, turn them over to Jesus.
The last thing you want to do is attempt to reason with them. That effort is doomed to fail.

One of the most amazing things about Jesus is how often He prepares you for what you'll face in this word:
John 15:18-19
If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

If you are out there doing serving the Lord expect to experience opposition from Haters and Detractors. When you do REJOICE!

I would preferred to read when Haters & Detractors surround you fight back. Fighting back frequently involves responding to sin in the flesh with sinful strategies. That is the way of the world and every Christian has done this in their lives more than once. The Bible gives us the opportunity to respond differently. Rather than to feel angry and seek revenge the Bible tells us that's not now how to respond to a blessing.

Luke 6:22-23
Blessed are you when men hate you,And when they exclude you,
And revile you, and cast out your name as evil,For the Son of Man's sake. Rejoice in that day and leap for joy! For indeed your reward is great in heaven,

That said, sometimes it's also appropriate to take action.Since I believe it is against Amazon policy to write personal attacks in reviews, I reported the Review to Amazon.

So today I received a double blessing. It took restraint and self control on my part to follow this directive:

Eph 4:26
Be angry, and do not sin

Yet I found a way to do that. I wrote amazon asking if that personal attack could be edited out of the review. Whether they do that or not, I felt good that I took appropriate action rather than find a way to strike back at the person who wrote the review. So I got angry, but didn't sin. That was a good spiritual lesson.


The second and most important opportunity is to learn is to experience the gift only our Haters and Detractors. When we can see things from an eternal perspective we have the opportunity to rejoice and leap for joy. I'm not there yet, but each day brings me closer.

A Christmas Message

During this season the words merry or happy are used frequently. We say things like Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Thanksgiving or Happy New Year. When we say that, we are expressing our desire for that person to experience happiness during the holidays. The Season by itself has no inherent power to bring about happiness. In fact many people find themselves seriously depressed during the Holiday Season. That’s especially true if someone near and dear to you died. His or her absence is felt more powerfully at this time.

Because of the cultural expectation to be happy during the holiday season we frequently embark on a search for things we think will bring us the happiness we are supposed to feel. More often than not, despite all our efforts, many of us find that sense of happiness is very short lived.    Our happiness will be elusive if we make it conditional on a future event. So if you say to yourself “I’ll be happy when (fill in the blank)________, you’re not likely to happy for long. Even when the when wished for event comes about. I’ll give some examples. I’ll be happy I finally own or receive ________ as a gift.  I’ll be happy when I find someone to love me.  I’ll be happy when I break off this awful relationship. I’ll be happy when I have children.  I’ll be happy when my children are grown and leave home. The list is unique for each of us, but results are similar.  When the wished for circumstance happens, we’ll  experience an increased measure of happiness, which over the course of a few days or weeks all but disappears.

Scientists have studied this issue and have come up some interesting conclusions. I’ll share some of them. First, that positive circumstances, meaning the things you believe will make you happy accounts for about 10% of the happiness you’ll feel.  Another interesting finding is that most people have a set point for how happy they will be.  So everyone will experience a rise in happiness in reaction of receiving a gift or a experiencing a positive life event. Over time, you’ll drop back down to your set point until something novel causes it to rise again. That’s often what drives people to seek out pleasure. They get bored with their set point and need do something even though in the long term it might be destructive, as long as it moves the needle of happiness up for a brief period of time. Ask someone who is hooked on shopping how long the purchase of a single item provides them with a feeling of pleasure.

So, what is it that can bring us lasting joy and happiness?  I think all of us at one time or another seriously believe that having more money  would make us happy. Next time you are at the grocery store take a look at some of the magazines that feature the rich and the famous. Their lives are often much messy than our own lives. Drugs, alcohol, unfaithfulness, and divorce, which are all very common among that group, is an indication their wealth and fame didn’t buy them a happy life.

If more money, a change in circumstances, or possessing new and expensive stuff won’t make you happy what will?
Many years ago a very rich and powerful man conducted what I believe is the best study in human happiness ever performed. He published his findings in a book called the Bible in a Chapter called Ecclesiastes. I’ll spend the rest of this letter sharing some of the conclusions from his study.

The Beatles were right-Money Can’t Buy Me Love (or happiness)  Finding#1  Eccl 5:10 He who loves silver will not be satisfied with silver; Nor he who loves abundance, with increase. Increasing amounts of money can’t bring permanent happiness. In fact it could lead to an obsession to earn more.

The words from the song “You Gotta Have Friends” is also true. Living life in isolation is a formula which keeps in the bad stuff of life inside. In addition it prevents the good stuff that life and relationships have to offer to enter into our lives. We were not created to live life alone.  Finding#2  Eccl 4:9-10
Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.

This doesn’t mean you must be married in order to be happy. There are lots of married people who are miserable. It means you need to have friends and/or family that have your back, who you can rely on, and who love you with the love that’s meaningful to you. It also means you have people in your life that you love with a sacrificial love.

Finally, if you desire to live a joyful life, it can’t be done without applying Finding #3 to your life.
 Eccl 2:24-26
 Nothing is better for a man than that he should eat and drink, and that his soul should enjoy good in his labor. This also, I saw, was from the hand of God. For who can eat, or who can have enjoyment, more than I?  For God gives wisdom and knowledge and joy to a man who is good in His sight; but to the sinner He gives the work of gathering and collecting, that he may give to him who is good.

That which will truly bless your life and provide you lasting happiness, is wisdom, knowledge and an attitude of gratitude to giver of all things. Joy comes from the hand of God.  So check your focus during the holidays. Is it about parties, presents, and shopping or good food? Or will remember Jesus is the reason for the season. We will experience His love and blessing this time of the year? Will you share those blessings with others? We you live with an attitude of gratitude for what you’ve been given, or will you be jealous of those who have more. For this season and every season of your life, happiness is a result of your attitudes and the choices you’ll make based upon what it is you value. Therefore,  CHOOSE WISELY. Remember that the Creator of this Universe wants to have an intimate relationship with you.  He’s the giver of  eternal joy. That’s a joy we experience here and now. It’s also the joy that we take with us into eternity. It’s my prayer that the joy of the Lord be with you this season and in every season of your life.