Getting Better Without Getting Better

This week a man with an advanced case of prostate cancer visited my Facebook titled I Left My Prostate In San Francisco Where's Yours? and said this:

"I've still got mine and it's going to kill me. Have some consideration for those of us who can't have surgery."

Based on what he wrote, I assume his cancer must have spread outside this prostate making surgery impossible. The fact this site offers help to men in  a situation that doesn't include him ticked him off. Sometimes, explaining why you do what you do makes the situation worse rather than better. When I  explained that hundreds of men who've had surgery find this site a useful place to receive information and support, he's anger increased.

Rather than respond to me as one individual to another he appointed himself the spokesperson for millions of men suffering from an advanced case of PC. He said:

Over a quarter of a million men die worldwide every year from prostate cancer and millions suffer every day from the side effects of the drugs given to them to postpone the inevitable. The title of this page is an insult to those men and your we're alright attitude is sickening.

In his eyes, I'm not only guilty of offending him, I'm also guilty of offending millions of men!
To dig his insult a little deeper he goes on to let me know that my attitude of thinking that I'm helping other people is "sickening" to him.

There's an important lesson to be learned from this event. There is a psychological defense mechanism called displacement. This occurs when an impulse or emotion usually anger or aggression is redirected onto another person or  an object that serves as a symbolic substitute. This man became highly offended when no offense was intended. He freely vented his inappropriate anger at me, at the title of my book and at my Facebook page. 

I don't know about you, but I went though a phase of wondering "why me?"  I was also angry that PC might take take my life before I had the chance to walk my daughter down the aisle, become a grandparent or retire and travel with my lovely wife. I dealt with my anger directly rather than seek out places to dump my anger.  Displacement prevents you from owning and dealing with powerful feelings you need to come to grips with. As long as you displace them you won't own them. This guy is in danger of developing a mile long chip on his shoulder. 

While don't have control over how or whether prostate cancer will or will not invade other parts of our body, but we do have control over how we will react. We can become bitter or better. This poem says it all:

Cancer is so limited. . .It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot eat away peace,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot reduce eternal life,
It cannot destroy confidence,
It cannot shut out memories,
It cannot quench the spirit,

(Here's the spiritual side of the rest of this poem)

It cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.

Though the physical body may be destroyed by disease, the spirit can remain triumphant. If disease has invaded your body, refuse to let it touch your spirit. Your body can be severely afflicted, and you may have a struggle, But if you keep trusting God's love, your spirit will remain strong.

Why must I bear this pain? I cannot tell;
I only know my Lord does 
all things well.
And so I trust in God, my all in all.
For He will bring me through, whatever befall.

We have a choice how we will allow our diagnosis of PC to effect every area of our lives. I like to be periodically  reminded of all the places cancer cannot go, cannot affect, or cannot destroy. 

All of us coping with cancer can use our experiences to appreciate life, love, nature, our faith, relationships, family and friends more than we did prior to our diagnosis of cancer. That's how you can get better without getting better (from cancer). 

Things to Say & Do for Men & Couples Coping With Prostate Cancer

Before you say anything to someone coping with cancer it's important you ask yourself a few important questions. Here's a few:
1. What do I want to happen after I share my reaction?
2. Who is it that needs to feel better, me,  the person coping with cancer, or both of us?
3. Do I want to hear more of what's going on or am I so uncomfortable I want to say something and leave?

To those who fall into the category of needing to feel better yourself, or wanting to say something to make the person coping with cancer feel better the chances are whatever your going to say will have the opposite effect on those coping with cancer. For example, if you said "My brother was diagnosed with prostate cancer and he did just fine." That comment might reassure you, but it offers next to nothing of reassurance to a man diagnosed with prostate cancer.

As I was informing friends and family that I had cancer, I didn't want to hear a story about someone else who had cancer, I needed people to listen to my situation. The bottom line for those who need feel better or who feel obligated to make the person with cancer feel better, say as little as possible and avoid open ended questions. You have a high risk of saying things that will do the opposite of what you intend.  In your effort to make things better, you'll probably make things worse. Here are some suggestions of things you might say:
1. I'm sorry to hear that.
2. Bummer
3. That sinks
4. How awful

To those who posses good listening skills and have a genuine interest in hearing how someone is doing, open ended questions will accomplish this goal:
1. How are you doing?
2. How are you feeling?
3. What was it like for you to receive the news?
4. Is there something I can do that would be helpful to you?
5. How's your partner taking the news?
6. Would you be interested in hearing about my experiences with prostate cancer?

Here's a suggestion I think would benefit anyone who is serious about wanting to say and/or do the right things. Take time and read about this topic. If you google things to say to someone with cancer, you'll get many great articles which discuss this issue. Here's a few to get you started. If you are willing to take the time to read and to learn about what to say and do when someone is coping with cancer, it's highly likely the things you'll say and do will be remembered for a very long time and greatly appreciated

There are articles you can read which will help you to be helpful:
Useful Things to Say & To Do
Ways to respond
Supporting Someone With Cancer
Ten Things You Can Do
Please share your thoughts, experiences, and suggestions as well.

Seven Reasons Why Men With Prostate Cancer & Their Partners Suffer In Silence

Suffer-To experience a physical and/or emotionally unpleasant experience such as a loss, injury, illness, accident defeat or setback.

Many men experience unpleasant side effects and loss following prostate surgery. Here's a list of some of those changes and loss:
1. The loss of Urinary control
2. The need to wear diapers or pads for an extended period of time
3. Climacturia- Leaking urine before, during or after climax
4. The loss of ejaculation
5. The loss of spontaneous erections
6. The loss of libido (sexual desire)
7. Either total or partial loss of erectile abilities
8. The loss of confidence in bed
9. The reduction of intensity of orgasms
10. A reduction in the size of the penis

Very few men will suffer all ten of these unpleasant side effects of living without a prostate. Experiencing one of these ten changes is unpleasant, involves suffering, and can lead to depression and/or have a negative effect on a relationship. Most men and couples deal with two or more of these losses.

Why is it men and couples choose to struggle alone even though the level of suffering is high?
1. Men are less likely to share their struggles than women are, so men are more likely to choose to suffer alone.

2. Embarrassment-The losses following surgery involve subjects that are not usually shared with others. Talking about losing urinary control, erectile functioning, the loss of desire, or intensity of orgasms are not part of the daily discourse among friends or family. There are many couples who find it difficult to talk with their partners about these issues. Therefore it's highly unlikely both partners will agree to seek out professional help.

3. Shame-is different from embarrassment. Shame involves feeling  hopelessly defective in such a way that requires you to hide and keep these defects hidden.  A man might feel ashamed of losing his erectile functioning and woman may experience shame that she's lost the ability to arouse her husband. There are many issues where shame could make an appearance. The natural reaction to shame is to hide.

4. Receiving unhelpful responses-Men or women may shut down and refuse to talk to anyone else after one bad experience sharing an intimate experience. I'll never forget being told "You have nothing to be depressed about, you were cured of cancer." I stopped talking about my post-surgery depression with healthy people after  receiving that response. There are very few people who know how to respond in helpful ways to the kinds of suffering prostate cancer brings to a men and his partner.

5. It's difficult to find and/or afford competent help-Often the issues that are involved requires a team approach between experts in mental health to deal with depression, and/or relational issues. Then there is a need for expertise in penile rehabilitation, erectile dysfunction, and sexuality. There are not that many places where a team approach is available. It's also possible many of those services are not covered by insurance.

6. Cultural Norms-Many men and/or women were brought up to believe there are certain issues that should remain unspoken. It is difficult for anyone to defy strongly held cultural norms.

7. A desire to protect your public persona-Everyone has a public image they want to project and protect. Couples maintain a public persona as well. Sharing how prostate cancer has affected you as individual and you as a partner in a relationship means giving up your individual and couple persona. Many couples prefer to break up and blame their partner rather than give up their public persona.

If you are suffering alone, you are experiencing the unnecessary additional pain of being isolated. I urge you to find a safe place to share your suffering. You can't control and you may not be in a position to influence your partner if they have chosen to suffer alone.  However you can control your own behavior. It's time to join the brotherhood or sisterhood of those who are suffering as they adjust to living and loving without a prostate.

If you are ready to join us, visit my website at: Links For Support. There you will find a pre and post surgery forum as well as a host of other places to receive help and support. What are you waiting for?

God Sightings While Coping With Prostate Cancer Part 1

At my Church last week our Pastor spoke about how easy it is to take people and the Lord  for granted. One way to keep our faith (and your relationships) vibrant and healthy is to life with an attitude of gratitude toward the people in your life and with the Lord.

In order to do this with the Lord it's important to develop the skill to see God's working in your life, not only in the big moments of life, but in the everyday moments as well.

As I look back on my journey with prostate cancer I notice at once, it's easier to identify God sightings looking backward than it is to spot them in the middle of a storm. Early in my journey when I felt led by the Holy Spirit to write a book and develop an on-line ministry for men and couples coping with cancer something very odd happened. It is the first time I've experienced anything like this in my 37 years of walking with the Lord.

As my wife and I were writing our faith-based book about prostate cancer, I knew it was important for me to choose a Christian publisher. After much research I chose WestBow press for a very specific reason. WestBow Press is a publishing division of Thomas Nelson. Books that succeed with WestBow are considered for publication through Thomas Nelson. Since the majority of independently published books sell no more than 150 copies is very rare for a title to move from WestBow to Thomas Nelson.

Here's the God sighting part in all of this,back then, before the book was completed, I know no other way to put this without sounding spookey, but I believe this came from the Holy Spirit, I was given absolute faith and confidence that our book would be considered by Thomas Nelson.

For more than year I did what I could do to market and promote our book. I hired not one, but two Publicity Agents. We advertised in newspapers. We received  front page Modesto Bee coverage about our book and ministry.  I've written a few magazine articles. Brenda & I had radio interviews.

During the course of the last year I wondered if/when Thomas Nelson would call. I also seriously questioned how does one tell the difference between what you wish would happen vs what you believe you heard from the Lord.

On Friday April 25th in the afternoon I learned the difference. I received a phone call from WestBow press indicating that Thomas Nelson was interested in our book. I was very excited, but I wasn't surprised. I knew I'd  receive this phone call before my wife and I finished writing the book!

I've learned a very important lesson from this experience. You never need to worry or be concerned whether or not the Lord is faithful. He is. I knew without a doubt He'd do His part. The only question was whether or not  I'd do my part.

The journey to Thomas Nelson isn't a sure thing. I was told WestBow wanted to see a spike in book sales before Thomas Nelson would consider our book. This reminds me of the Jewish people's journey into the Promised Land. They couldn't just walk in and claim it. There were giants in the land, that were so powerful the people made the decision not to fight even though they were assured a victory. As a result  they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. They lost their opportunity to enter the Promised Land.   My prayer is this: That I faithfully do what's required of me so the plan for the book can be realized.

What about you? What has God placed in your heart to do that's  far beyond your comfort zone? Will you step out in faith and do what's required?  If you'll do this, God sightings will be obvious to you.

If you or someone you love is coping with prostate cancer check out my book:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

1 in 7 Christian Men Will Receive A Diagnosis of Prostate Cancer In Their Lifetime

I hope the first question that comes to mind is how on earth could I know that 1 in 7 Christian men will receive a diagnosis of prostate cancer. Here's how:
Key Statistics For Prostate Cancer
It's reasonable to assume the prostate cancer rate among Christian men is the same  for men in general.

What's been troublesome to me in the years that I've been a prostate cancer survivor I've found very few Christian Organizations, Ministries, or Church outreach to men and couples facing prostate cancer. This may sound sexist, but I suspect men are partly, perhaps fully to blame for this. Men have a tendency to want to keep things to themselves.

There is an added incentive to do this when many of the aggressive forms of treatment can result in the loss of urinary control or erectile dysfunction. These can be difficult topics to discuss in the context of a relationship. The idea of discussing this with strangers is unthinkable for many men. A Pastor's wife told me that men may be so private about this disease they don't even want it announced in Church so their Church family could pray for them.

I have a very simple message to all men who are diagnosed with prostate cancer. Here it is:

                                     Do not face this disease alone.

That said, putting together a team to help men cope is not an easy task. Here are my suggestions for your team:
1. Prostate cancer specialists-You may want to see more than one, since there are a variety of ways
   to treat prostate cancer.
2. Friends & Family-    Not every friend will be equip to help you on the journey. You may find one or two                                       who can offer the support you'll need
3. Your Church family- It's important to have prayer partner. You may be surprised to learn there are
                                    more than a few men in your Church that are prostate cancer survivors.
4. Other's Coping with prostate cancer- This is essential for any team. Access to a few people further                                                                         along in the prostate cancer journey is invaluable.

That's a good start for a team. As a Christian I often feel like a lone voice in the wilderness in that I find few sources of faith based support for Christian men and couples coping with this disease. That's why my wife and I wrote our book:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

It's the reason maintain for my website with faith based forums for men and women:
A Website for men considering surgery

Last but not least it's why our Facebook page tried to reach men around the world who are coping with life without a prostate:
Where's Your Prostate Facebook Page

We started off very slowly, but each week we are reaching more men and couples. If you are coping alone, I invite you to visit one of our websites to share your story and connect with those further along in the journey.

One other important detail I'd like to share. Although our ministry is a Christian faith-based ministry, men and couples of all faiths, or without any faith at all are welcome to use all our resources.

The Meaning of Easter For a Prostate Cancer Survivor

If you are a prostate cancer survivor, or any cancer survivor you've been given a reprieve from a death sentence. This reprieve has the potential and power to become a life altering event. However, if your values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviors remain where they were before you were diagnosed with cancer than you've wasted your reprieve.

As a Medical Social Worker I had the privilege of participating in the life reviews of men and women that were terminally ill. The regrets they shared were remarkably similar.  The #1 regret I heard had to do with the use of time. In order to achieve professional success, a lot of  time was taken away from both marriage and family This sacrifice of time to achieve professional success appeared to be the right thing to do at the time.

For reasons I cannot explain, on your death bed the sacrifice and price paid for professional success becomes very clear. For some, the pain of regret was far greater than the pain  brought about by a terminal disease. I once asked a group of people what would they do if they knew they had one day to live. The worst answer I heard came from a woman who said "I go in to the office, but I take my children with me!" I felt very sorry for her children.

The 2nd most frequently heard regret was closely related to the #1 regret. The #2 regret  had to do with a failure or breakdown  in an intimate relationship with a partner or a child. The quality and quantity of time spent with a spouse or child was the sacrificial offering for the price of success. The lack of time had a severely negative impact on that relationship.

For others,  the breakdown in a relationship had nothing to do with work. A intimate relationship remained broken as a result of  an unforgiving spirit. There are people out there who hold grudges for years, others for decades, and some truly foolish people hold grudges for their entire lives. I'm personally familiar with a life long relationship breakdown. I'm convinced my sister will remain alienated from me and my family for the rest of her life. Last month my eldest son was married in NY just a few miles from where my sister lives. I called her and told her my entire family (my youngest is 21, who my sister has never met) was in NY and wanting to visit/meet her. She was not interested.

Unforgiving people foolishly believe the bitterness, anger, and forgiveness they maintain is directed and contained toward a specific person. Nothing could be further from the truth. All those angry and bitter feelings leak out on the people you love the most.  Your capacity to love is diminished your own level of forgiveness.

Jesus tells this story about the relationship between the capacity to love and forgiveness in Luke 7:40-47

"Simon, I have something to say to you." And he said, "Teacher, say it."  There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.   And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?"  43 Simon answered and said, "I suppose the one whom he forgave more." And He said to him, "You have rightly judged."  Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, "Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head.  You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in.  You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.

If you want to live and love in the way God designed you to live and to love, accept Jesus death on the cross as payment for you sins. Accept His resurrection as proof He died and rose again to give you a new life. A life filled with the capacity to forgive and filled with the capacity to love. For those who are skeptics and those who need more information, check out this link:

Historical Evidence for the resurrection

Easter is more than a celebration of Jesus resurrection, it can become your day of resurrection to a new life in Christ.

Happy Birthday To Me

     Random thoughts on my 69th birthday (tomorrow) when the calendar says I'm 62. I remember the good old days at age 16 when I easily passed for 21. Those were the days when Id's were not required and looking older than my chronological age presented me with lots of advantages.
Fast forward the clock four decades. I take my son Chris Redner to rent a movie. As I reach for my wallet, the clerk says to Chris "Isn't it nice your grandfather is renting a movie for you?" Chris thought that was very funny. I was NOT amused.
     To reverse these types of age misunderstandings, every year I decide how old I'm going to tell people I am. This year I'm going to start with 69 and see what kind of reactions I'll receive. If I find that people easily believe I'm 69, that means it's necessary to move it up a few more years until I hear a comment that goes like this: "Wow, you don't look that old" There's only one downside to doing this. It's beginning to hurt my self-esteem as to how old I need to say that I am before someone finds it hard to believe. I hope it won't be necessary to say I'm in my mid 70's this year.
      This much I do know, what ever age I'll end up saying that I am, I intend to enjoy this year to the fullest.
I'm not waiting until I retire to enjoy my life. This year my family and I traveled to NY to attend my eldest son's wedding. After the wedding, we flew many members of our family to Florida for a week long family vacation. We flew them home so my wife and I could enjoy a romantic week in Florida for ourselves.
     Very soon we are taking our adoptive daughter to her country of birth, Korea. My wife, daughter and I will stay there for nine days. This summer I'm taking my wife the the CA coast. We plan to live the rest of our lives to the fullest.
       Becoming a prostate cancer survivor changed my life. I don't take time for granted. I don't take my health for granted. It's become very important to me to celebrate and create new family milestones as often as we can. I know many men who've had their prostates removed say that surgery ruined their lives.I also know that with attitude adjustment you can view the time we have left as a very precious gift. That's the legacy I want to leave my family. I want them to say Dad sure learned to live better as a prostate cancer survivor. You can make that choice whether or not you've been diagnosed with cancer.