Sunday, May 10, 2015

Erectile Dysfunction-What Is It Good For? Absolutely Nothing!

If you are like me, coping with ED, you've probably spent some time in agreement there's very little value in coping with erectile dysfunction. I believe there are lies men belive which are powerful and destructive. They are:
1 My confidence  in the bedroom comes from my erectile abilities.
2. Without erections I'm no longer a man.
3. Believing  the voices coming from toxic shame.

Toxic shame is the least understood companion of men and couples coping with ED. It's also the most destructive. Toxic shame devastates a man's self esteem. It speaks powerfully condemning words which drives men into hiding from themselves. Toxic shame drives away the possibility of hope and replaces hope with the painful state of hoplesness and despair. 

Believing they are worthless men become depressed. When women are depressed experience sadness. Men who are depressed frequently become highly irritable.

 Angry words and/or isolating behaviors replace  all forms of affection and love which leaves your partner feeling rejected, unattractive and unloved.

Under the influence of toxic shame there are no redemptive opportunities. To make matters worse two things happen. First, men are driven to find relief from toxic same with mood alternating behaviors. Alcohol, drugs,  TV,, computers,  pornography or other  escapes are sought out to reduce the pain of the shame.  Even though these escapes provide little or no relief they will be used over and over again.

There's one healthy choice to make. Unfortunately, most men under the influence of toxic shame will refuse this option. To defeat toxic shame you must come out of hiding to seek outside help. Just the thought of seeking help brings up feelings of anger and defensivenesss. There's no way on earth you are going to tell anyone about your suffering with ED. If you find yourself alone and isolated you've given toxic shame a complete victory.

I invite you to come out of hiding. To achieve victory you need to reconnect with yourself and your partner. You need to face, confront and challenge your toxic shame. To do this successfully you nay need assistance from men further along in the journey with ED. There are many active forums on the internet where you can give yourself a screen name and speak to a community of men coping with ED.

 Coming out of hiding, reconnecting with yourself and your partner and joining a community of men are all good first steps.  Three more difficult steps may be necessary. The first is consulting with a physician to determine the cause of your ED. Without knowing the cause finding an effective treatment is impossible.

The second  step involves damage control. This may require professional help.  You may have caused serious damage to your relationship with yourself and/or your partner that will require outside professional help to repair.  I know I needed that help you might need it too.

The third and final step toward healing involves grieving the losses of your old sexuality and discovering a new sexuality. You time coping with ED may be temporary or it may be permermant.
Either way, both you and your partner can find new ways to excite and pleasure one another that isn't dependent upon you having an erection.

Toxic shame would have you believe there's no way to enjoy sex without an erection and you are doomed to live a lonely sexless life.  Do you want to spend the rest of your life under the influence and power of toxic shame? 

You haven't lost your manhood. Use it to defeat the lies that comes from toxic shame. Learn all about a new and exciting sexuality available to you and your partner. Remember this isn't easy to accomplish so get whatever help you need to say goodriddence to toxic shame.

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda are the authors of the award winning book
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

Coping with ED is difficult for most men because a close companion of ED is shame. Shame is a powerful, destructive and difficult emotion to overcome. Shame speaks with words of condemnation. Shame tells us we are hopelessly defective and worthless.
When we believe the lies that emanate from shame we go into hiding from everyone including ourselves if anyone reminds us or activates our shame we become angry and defensive. 
There's so many destructive was to seek from shame. Most addictive behaviors are fueled by shame. We are willing to go to great lengths for some temporary relief from the unrelenting condemnation from shame. I've heard from wives whose husband's were cured from prostate cancer only to take their own lives rather than live with the shame that accompanies
The first step to defeat shame involves bravery. You must be willing to come out of hiding and get   

Saturday, April 18, 2015

I Lost My Manhood

There's one phrase I hear over and over from men who've had their prostates removed. That phrase is:
"I've lost my manhood".

One of the most distressing and depressing issues to deal with after prostate surgery is erectile dysfunction. On 4/27/13 I came to the realization the following two formulas were true in my life. I believed:
1. Manhood=an erect penis 
2. A flaccid penis=the loss of manhood

You don't realize how powerful these formulas are in your life until you experience erectile dysfunction. Some men never give them up. They hold on to these formulas as representing the truth about their masculinity. If you are one of the men who cling to these formulas, it's highly likely you'll suffer from a severe post-surgery depression.

 In addition you'll bring misery to your marriage, by withdrawing from your partner and avoiding most if not all forms of affection.  Many single men coping with ED who believe these formulas often sentence themselves to a lifetime without dating or love. They don't believe a women could love a man who can't get it up in the bedroom.

It took me two years before I learned two life changing lessons:
Lesson #1- Both formulas are lies.
Lesson #2- Breaking free from these formulas is emotionally painful, takes time, is extremely difficult, and requires a role model.

Jesus was my role model. He chose to live a life that did not include sexual pleasures. Yet Jesus was and I believe still is the greatest example of a man and greatest example of the embodiment of love.

One of the opportunities post surgical ED provides is the opportunity to find other ways to love your partner. How can you do that? Have your partner take the following test:
Love Language Quiz

Discover your partner's love language and make the commitment learn the various ways to express your love to your partner in their primary love language. You will be amazed and the joy, level of contentment and intimacy you can achieve as you wait for your sexual functioning to return.

Don't misunderstand this post, You have BOTH, the capability of pleasing a woman AND you have the capability of being pleased by a woman.  It takes some getting use to, but you can learn to enjoy orgarms with a flaccid penis.

 My advice is to do this with the frequency both  you and your partner desire. If your single, and you know how to be kind, compassionate, affectionate, thoughtful and loving you will find a woman who will think you are a beloved treasure. You and your beloved will create an exciting sex life together.

I'm not making this up, It's something my wife and I were able to do together. You can do it too.

My wife and I wrote and award winning book to help couples reclaim their love life after prostate surgery. You can check it out here:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

Saturday, April 11, 2015

When You've Lost Your Desire Don't Give Up On Sex

There are a host of reasons why both men and women can lose their desire for sex. From the time I was a teenager up until the day I was diagnosed with prostate cancer at age 57, I had a very strong desire for sex. On a one to ten scale I'd say I was a 10 for at least four decades of my life. That suddenly changed on the day I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. My desire dropped to zero.

 After my prostatectomy I received the news I was cured of cancer. I hoped my desire would return. That never happened. At the time,  I thought that was a good thing since I was coping with erectile dysfunction. Since I didn't want to engage in an activity that brought me shame and failure I wanted to avoid sex at all costs. It took me almost two years before I found ways to enjoy my sexuality while I was impotent. I discovered impotence is another bad reason to give up on sex.

 Four years after prostate surgery  I decided to get a penile implant. A penile implant enabled me to have sex at any time but it didn't effect my long term loss of desire.My desire remained close to zero.
I've heard from many men who say their wives lost interest in sex after menopause. As a result of the loss of desire either on the part of the man or the woman many couples decide it's time to give up on their sex life together. I've come to believe this is frequently a huge mistake. .

In the last few weeks, I've  learned a valuable lesson. You can thoroughly enjoy sex without having a strong desire to do so. At age 63 without much desire, I'm having sex more frequently than any other time in my life. Additionally,  I'm enjoying every encounter. I can say I'm getting greater enjoyment and pleasure now when my desire is close to zero than I did at any time when my desire was at its peak. My wife would agree.

Therefore I've come to the conclusion couples make a serious error if they decide to give up on sex because one or both of them lost their desire. There's lots of pleasure to be found in having an orgasm even though you don't experience a high desire to have one. Not only that, there are wonderful health benefits to maintaing your sex life.

An article on WebMD lists ten health benefits. Here's my top five of those ten:
1. Better sleep- who doesn't want that?
2. Lowers your blood pressure and probably reduces the likelihood of a stroke.
3. Counts as exercise. I call it sexercise. It's become my favorite source of exercise.
4. Sex lowers the risk of a heart attack.
5. Sex lessens pain- something I experience a lot more of at 63 than I did at age 20.
This list is not complete but it sure is compelling.

So give sex another try even if you've lost your desire. Find ways to enjoy sex and experience orgasms. They are highly pleasurable even though you lost your desire for sex. I'm not making this up, I'm telling you what I know from personal experience. I'm looking forward to decades of highly pleasurable and frequent sex as I live with the absence of desire. I wish you  success, pleasure, relationship strengthening and health benefits that sex offers to you and your partner.
If you give this a try, let me know how it worked out for you.

Rick Redner
Author of the award winning book I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where's Yours?

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Easter Is The Cure For Cancer

When I was diagnosed with prostate cancer I was terrified. Three words came to my mind and I feared each of them. Those three words were pain, suffering and death. More than anything I wanted to make the right treatment decision so I could receive the news I was cured of cancer. I chose robotic surgery. Within a year my surgeon told me he believed I was cured of cancer. Thanking God, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I was granted a reprieve.

It didn't take long for me to realize that it won't be prostate cancer that calls me home, but something else will.  In other words, I'm still terminal and so are you.  Unless Jesus comes first, each and every one of us will suffer from an accident, illness,  injury or disease that will end our lives. There is only one permanent cure for a terminal cancer. It's also the cure for our terminal condition.

The cure may be so offensive or unbelievable to you you'll consider it a hoax and refuse to accept it. It's a cure millions of people throughout the ages have accepted. I'm blessed and grateful to be counted among those who've accepted this cure. This cure is unbelievable easy to  attain, yet so many refuse this healing because it comes from Jesus. Your healing from every possible cause of death depends on how you answer a question and invitation from Jesus.  The stakes are very high so give your answer carefully and prayerfully.
Here's Jesus question to you:
He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.  And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?"
John 11:25-27-NKJV

If you said yes, then you can say this with Paul::
"Death is swallowed up in victory."  "O Death, where is your sting?
1 Cor 15:54-55-NKJV

Now you have this promise when you die:
We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord. 
2 Cor 5:8-NKJV

In addition Jesus has a special gift prepared for you.
In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also.
John 14:2-3-NKJ

You possess an eternal dwelling place in a mansion prepared especially for you by Jesus. If that's all there was for us, dayenu,  it would have been enough, but there's more. We have this promise as well:
And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." 
Rev 21:4-5-NKJV

I've asked myself, Why would anyone reject this amazing gift from God? While there are dozens of reasons, the primary reasons to reject this offer are pride, stubbornness, ignorance, unresolved wounds, wealth, or a belief in God that does not include the reality of Jesus resurrection.

Paul wrote these words about the implications of denying  Jesus resurrection:
But if there is no resurrection of the dead, then Christ is not risen.  And if Christ is not risen, then our preaching is empty and your faith is also empty.  Yes, and we are found false witnesses of God, because we have testified of God that He raised up Christ, whom He did not raise up--if in fact the dead do not rise. For if the dead do not rise, then Christ is not risen. And if Christ is not risen, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins!  Then also those who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished.  If in this life only we have hope in Christ, we are of all men the most pitiable.  1 Cor 15:13-19-NKJV

He concludes by saying
But now Christ is risen from the dead, and has become the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. 1 Cor 15:20-NKJV

So I say with confidence
"He has risen!" I pray you'll respond, "He has risen indeed!" Happy Easter.

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the authors of an awarding winning book written to help men and couples cope with life without a prostate:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours? Coping With The Emotional, Relational, Spiritual & Sexual Aspects of Prostate Cancer
 can  be previewed and purchased at

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Truth About Erectile Functioning After Prostate Surgery

Here's what many of us heard before surgery "The likelihood of erectile function at 12 months following robotic surgery is 93.5%."
A new study turns that statistic upside down. A group led by Dr Mikkel Fode, from the Herlev Hospital in Copenhagen, asked 210 patients to complete the IIEF questionnaire, around 23 months after Radical Prostatectomy surgery. However they added an additional question: “Is your erectile function as good as before the surgery (yes/no)”. Only 14 patients (6.7% of respondents) reported that their erections were as good as before surgery.

Put another way 93.3% of the men who were 23 months post surgery said their erections were not as good as before surgery and they were struggling with erectile problems.

I was told my erectle functioning would return to my pre surgery levels. Four years post surgery I was impotent.  I was seriously depressed for 18 months because I was waiting for the pre surgery return of my erectle abilities. Turns out the majority of men won't have this experiennce.
Here's the link to a new study which tells the truth about erectle functioning after prostate surgery. 
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Friday, March 20, 2015

PTSD Drives Men Away From Penile Implants

Even though I've been a Medical Social Worker I had no clue I'd been suffering from PTSD, short for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

How and why would I experience PTSD when I made a choice which would put an end to my suffering with erectile dysfunction? To say I was confused would be the 
understatement of the year.

 Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect those who personally experience the catastrophe, those who witness it, and those who pick up the pieces afterwards. Receiving a dx of prostate cancer, coping with the loss of urinary control, & erectile dysfunction are catastrophic changes in the life of a man and in the life of a couple.

What are some of the symptoms?

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event

  • Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
  • Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
  • Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
  • Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
  • Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing

  • Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma
  • Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
  • Loss of interest in activities and life in general
  • Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb
  • Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)

Symptoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Irritability or outbursts of anger
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Hypervigilance (on constant “red alert”)
  • Feeling jumpy and easily startled
After I scheduled myself for implant surgery I began to experience many of these symptoms. Especially trouble sleeping and a high level of anxiety. In  addition, my  wife and I saw a dramatic rise in irritability and fighting. We didn't understand what was happening in our marriage. We saw a counselor who confirmed both of us were suffering from PTSD. 

That took me by surprise. I was expecting to be restored by surgery, It was a choice I made and I was expecting a positive outcome. I didn't understand why these circumstances would bring about symptoms of PTSD. 

For the last four years, there's only one thing that brought my wife and I into San Francisco, Every trip involved something to do with the diagnosis and treatment of prostate cancer. Pre surgery & post surgery visits as well as my unsuccessful penile rehab all took place in the city San Francisco. Receiving the news I'd be impotent for the rest of my life also took place in San Francisco.
Even though I was cured from cancer in San Francisco, my life was unalterably changed for the worst in that city as well. Now I was returning to UCSF in San Francisco once again, hoping for a positive life changing experience. 

Our minds were locked into all the negative life changing events that happened as a result of our visits to San Francisco. Although we wanted to feel positive about the reasons why we were returning to San Francisco once again, we got stuck re-living the trauma of all that happened there during the last four years. 

For many men it's not the return to a city that triggers PTSD, it's a return to ANY surgeon that triggers PTSD. That's the reason why I hear the following comments when I discuss the amazing restoration brought about by the implant procedure. Here's a sample of those comments:

"I"ll never go within a mile of another surgeon."
"There's no way I'll have another surgery." 
"I won't let a surgeon touch me ever again."

The comments above are all  expressions of  a powerful desire to avoid any further surgery that's now associated with the devastating effects of  erectile dysfunction. This avoidance that comes from PTSD is powerful and resistant to any form surgical treatment no matter how successful.

It's often worse for the men who've had double nerve sparing surgery, yet  failed to re-gain their erectile dysfunction, In this situation issues of trust are involved. Many men with double nerve sparing surgery believe they've been lied to or betrayed, As a result, they've made a life long decision they'll never  trust a surgeon again. That decision effectively sentences a man to a life time of misery coping with erectile dysfunction.

My point here is this, while penile implant surgery isn't for everyone, it's important to make this life altering decision based on the merits and risks involved in surgery rather than have the power of  fear, the loss of trust,or avoidance that comes from PSTD make your decision for you. All too frequently, the  resistance to penile implant surgery comes from PTSD, fear, or the lack of trust, rather than an objective analysis of whether this surgery could benefit you.

Penile Implant surgery has the highest success rate in treating ED. There's no other treatment of ED that has a higher user and partner satisfaction rate. I can say from personal experience that my implant restored what prostate cancer and surgery took away from me.

So don't let PTSD,  fear, or the lack of knowledge determine your choice whether or not have implant surgery. Base your decision on the facts about penile implants. Here's a link to provide you with some of those facts. I hope you'll read it.
Treating ED With A Penile Implant

That's my view, what's yours?

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the authors of an awarding winning book written to help men and couples cope with life without a prostate. I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours? can  be previewed and purchased at 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Penile Implants A Cure For Erectile Dysfunction

It wasn't supposed to happen. I had double nerve sparing surgery. Based on my pre-surgical sexual history my Surgeon assured me I'd have a return of return of erectile functioning. To insure this would happen I got involved in a penile rehab program which included penile injections. When they stopped working I switched to daily ED medication.

At three years post surgery my success rate with ED meds was no better than 50%. Even then erections didn't last very long. By fours nothing working and I found myself facing the rest of my life impotent. This outcome was totally unexpected and certainly unwelcome. I was prepared to give up sexual intercourse for the rest of my life.

I began doing research on penile implants. What I learned surprised me. Penile implants are the most successful way to treat ED. Additionally they have the highest user satisfaction rates than any other form of treatment. Satisfaction rates in studies of men who've had penile implants run in the range of 85% -to 97%.

I made an appointment with a Urologist at UCSF who performed penile implants. When we discussed the where I landed four years post surgery, he was very supportive of my decision to have an implant.

Here are my thoughts feelings and experiences about my penile implant activation. I was very embarrassed to lay on the exam table while my surgeon demonstrated how to pump and deflate the implant.

1. At the advice of many men, I took Tylenol 1 hour before my appointment to help with any pain associated with using the pump for the first time.

2. I tried many times at home to squeeze the pump. It required more pressure than I was comfortable using. I'm glad I didn't activate the pump. You should NOT use the pump unless you are certain you know how to deflate it. I had no clue how to deflate the implant.

3. You may be very sore. Most men are left semi-inflated during the 6 weeks post surgery. I had one specific stop where the tip of the implant put a lot of pressure on my penis. It was a relief when I experienced total deflation.

4. The pump starts off very difficult to squeeze and takes a lot of pressure. I was only able to get 4-5 pumps before it got too hard to pump more

5. I'm glad I was prepared before surgery about the loss in size. I lost about an inch.

6.  It was a very good thing my wife learned how to inflate and deflate the pump. When we tried the implant for the first time, I was completely unable to find the deflate button. My wife learned that the implant was facing sideways so the deflate button was not where I expected it would be. If my wife didn't learn how to deflate the implant I would have needed to drive back to San Francisco the next day to have my surgeon deflate the implant.

7. After a few days of use my wife and were enjoying our sexual experiences together as much as we did before my prostate was removed. 

6. I find the implant to be light years better than penile injections.

7. My wife and I look forward to enjoying many years of making love. Both of us feel very grateful to re-experience what we thought was lost forever.

To those men who feel the don't want to go within a mile of another surgeon, don't let your past experiences cheat you of having a procedure that restores your sex life. Getting the implant was the best decision I've made after I didn't regain erectile functioning. I feel completely restored.
Implants have the highest satisfaction rate than any other form of treatment for ED. That said, this type of surgery is not a solution for everyone. For anyone coping with ED, the implant is an option worth exploring.

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the authors of an awarding winning book written to help men and couples cope with life without a prostate. I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours? can  be previewed and purchased at
If you'd like to ask me a personal question about penile implants you can reach me at:
my website at:
Welcome Page  Click on the "Contact Us" button on the left hand side of the Welcome Page.