Looking Back

 It is estimated that men have a one in two chance of being diagnosed with cancer during their lifetimes; for women, the chance is one in three.

Even with those odds, it was never in my life’s plan that I’d be one of those men diagnosed with cancer, especially in what I’d consider to be a relatively young age.

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer when I was 57. 

I’m now 71. Thankfully, my PSA (prostate-specific antigen) remains undetectable.

I expected there'd come a time when I'd give up my cancer survivor status. I thought I'd return to thinking about myself in the same way I thought about myself prior to my diagnosis. 

Thirteen years later, that never happened, and I don't believe it ever will. In other words, once a cancer survivor, always a cancer survivor.

It’s virtually impossible to forget about your identity as a cancer survivor if treatment left you with quality of life issues that affect you every day, or regular testing is required to determine whether your cancer has returned.

It doesn't matter whether you're in remission for 10 months or 10 years. I suspect most of us living with cancer live with the possibility of a reoccurrence.

II think all cancer survivors have certain sensitivites we wish our healthly friends and family knew.

I asked several men with prostate cancer what they wished their friends and family knew about living with cancer. Some of their responses are listed below. I added a few of my own. I believe this list applies to everyone diagnosed with any form of cancer.

1. Looks are deceiving. You can't judge how well I'm doing based on my physical appearance.

2. Living with cancer is highly stressful before, during, and after treatment.

3. Please don't share stories about miracle cures.

4. I don't want to hear stories about people you know who died from prostate or any other form of cancer.

5. Don't feel pressured to say something wise, give advice, or cheer me up.

6. If you're seriously interested in how I'm doing, listen rather than talk.

7. Before, during, and after treatment, physical, emotional, relational and challenges occur.

8. There's no such thing as a “good cancer."

9. Cancer isn't contagious. Using a cup, fork, or spoon at my home won't give you cancer.

10. If treatment has affected my erectile functioning, I probably feel awful about myself as a man and as a partner.

11. Sometimes I feel anger, jealousy, or hostility toward folks who are healthy. Sometimes that anger is misdirected towards my spouse and/or care givers

12. I'm facing financial pressures. Missed work and high deductibles and co-pays changed my economic circumstances.

13. I may feel so discouraged or depressed that I'm sorry I survived my treatment.

14. I need breaks from thinking or talking about cancer.

15. The effects of treatment cause quality-of-life issues that are difficult to talk about.

16. My values and priorities may remain unchanged or undergo a radical transformation.

17. My relationship with my partner is changing. We don't know whether coping with cancer will bring us closer or tear us apart.

18. Comfort clichés like "You'll beat this" or "Think positive" can permanently damage our relationship.

19. Don't judge me if coping with cancer challenges my faith or the goodness of God.

20. Waiting for test results is highly stressful, even if I've been in remission for years.

After reading through this list, you may wonder what you can do to help your partner, family member, or friend cope with cancer.

Here are a few of my suggestions:

• Before you say or do anything, give up on the notion that it's your job to say or do something to make it easier to cope with cancer.

• Give the gift of focused listening. This means listening to things that are uncomfortable or difficult to hear without changing the subject or fixing a problem.

• Share some non-cancer-related time together. When possible, ask cto go out together for a meal, a cup of coffee, a movie, or a walk. Any activity you can enjoy together is a valued gift.

• If you feel called to pray, rather than say, "I'll pray for you," ask if there's something specific you can pray for.

• Laughter is great medicine. Finds ways to share laughter. Watching a comedy together is one way to laugh together.• Give specific rather than general offers of help.

* Rather than say, "Call me if you need anything," say, "Is it OK if I bring a meal over tonight? What would you like?"

I’m sure this list isn’t complete so if you have some additions please add to them

If you believe sharing this with friends and family to help them better understand what you’re going through, please do so.

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with  erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

Note: 

Per my contractual agreement, it is required that I site portions of this article appeared in Prostate Cancer News Today