Lessons Learned from Rejection

I wonder what episode(s) comes to your mind as I ask what are your first experiences with rejection? My memories start in Elementary School, when my “best friend” decided to dump me because he found a new “best friend” This happened so frequently I think of the game musical chairs when I think of the best friends of my youth. Nothing stayed the same for every long. The music plays as everyone circles the empty chairs. When the music stops everyone scrambles for a new seat. There was always one poor soul left standing when everyone else had a seat. There was moment of pain when everyone sitting stared at you as you left the game.  Sometimes in the world of best friend musical chairs, I was one who found a new seat, a new best friend, other times I was the one left standing alone, outside the group.

Fast-forward the clock to dating.  In this arena rejections were terribly painful. You take the risk to ask someone on a date and some women said no. Others who had trouble saying no, said yes, but never showed up. Och! It hurts. It causes you to withdraw and take less risks. Once you begin dating there is also the inevitable break ups, the ones initiated by you, and the ones initiated by the other person who you still like. Break ups always hurt.  I haven’t seen them, but now there are now apps you can download which that help you to break up.  I think I’d feel worse if someone used an app to break my heart. Maybe not, any form of rejections seriously hurts. We often make life time decisions based on our experiences with rejection. We can close off portions of heart, or choose not to trust or get involved with someone or some activity.

I’ve known may people who are what I refer to as “one shotters”. These are people who end relationships the very first time they feel crossed. It doesn’t matter that you’ve enjoyed decades of friendship. One misunderstanding and it’s over. You are thrown out like the trash, forever rejected.

I suspect whenever we face rejection we don’t simply feel the pain of the moment, I believe each new rejection brings on some familiar pain of past rejections, which is why rejection is so very painful

As a new author, I’m learning a lot about rejection. I foolishly thought that writing about a disease that affects 1 in 6 men, a disease that is diagnosed every 2.3 minutes, a disease that is the second leading cause of death for American men, would easily be a story the media would be interested in covering.  I thought our on-line website which is now visited by people around the world, and our book would make news. I was wrong. I couldn’t even get a response back from a number of reporters from my local newspaper the Modesto Bee.

Since we’ve written a faith-based book, I thought surely Christian Newspapers would be eager to print a story about our book and ministry. I’ve sent out many letters and press releases and have not heard from a single Christian Newspaper. This was an unpleasant and unexpected rejection.

The good news is, I no longer give up in the face of rejection. I’ve learned a very important lesson. That’s to move on, if one newspaper isn’t interested, keep searching, maybe I’ll find one that is. So with each rejection, I try to fine tune my approach, and try again. So in practical terms, what’s that look like? I say if the Modesto Bee isn’t interested, maybe the Sacramento Bee will be interested. If I receive a rejection there I’ll move on to another paper, perhaps the Fresno Bee. Before I run out of Bees I’ll turn to other newspapers as well.   Call me crazy, call me determined, but I’m not quitting in the face of rejection. I believe each of us need to look at the areas of our lives we’ve closed off or shut down as a result of being rejected.  We need to ask ourselves what we might do, what risks we’d take and what we’d accomplish if the fear of rejection was controlling and limiting our behavior.

God has a word for us about rejection and fear. Its found in: 1 John 4:17-18
  There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
Allow God’s love to end the torment. Allow God’s love to end the fear. Allow God’s love to heal the areas of your life that’s been closed off, allow God’s love to make you fearless in the face of rejection. After all we learn in Rom 8:31
 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

So in my moments of discouragement, in the times I’m tempted to give up, I remember that no rejection no matter how painful no matter how life altering change the rejection brings about, as a child of the King,  His plan and purpose in my life and yours cannot and will not ever be defeated by rejection unless we give our permission and allow rejection to defeat us. May that never be true for me, and for you.
Rick Redner

Co-Author of I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

Self Publishing? Buyer Beware

My wife and I decided to go the self-publishing route with WestBow Press because we were writing a faith-based book.  Our experiences with WebBow Press were both positive and negative. Reading this article will provide helpful tips and useful information that will save you your hard-earned money.

The first decision to make was the type publishing packages to purchase. My immediate advice is NEVER pay full price for a package from any company. Wait for a package to go on sale or be discounted. If you are patient, you will save hundreds or thousands of dollars depending upon the packages you intend to purchase.

Sadly, even with a “Christian” publishing company, I learned the goal of the self-publishing company is very different from the goal of the prospective author. The author is interested in publishing a book that will reach as many people as possible. The self-publishing company is in the business of selling you as many expensive and not necessarily effective publishing packages as possible. You can expect many phone calls or e-mails suggesting you buy additional publishing packages. My advice is to say no to every marketing call you receive to purchase additional packages.

I didn't follow this advice. Therefore I purchased two additional packages that I should not have purchased. After making these mistakes I refused the most recent push to purchase a package which was a Kirkus Review.  The marketing Representative at WestBow didn’t know I’d already purchased a Kirkus review directly from their website. When a Representative at WestBow offered me a “Kirkus Package” which was MORE money than I paid on my own, I found myself angry that WestBow and I had different goals. There goal was to extract as much money from me as possible. My goal was to use my money wisely to sell more books. We have conflicting goals.

Early on,  I mistakenly still thought that WestBow and I were on the same team. That they would use their muscle and power in the market place to get me discounts and good deals. The very opposite is true. I found that WestBow’s packages and/or deals, even when they are discounted were more expensive than I could find on my  own. Another example of this came when I foolishly purchased a Press Release Package.  I thought I did well because I purchased it with a 20% discount. After I did some research on the web I discovered a number of companies offering the same exact service for half the price I paid. How do you spell sucker?

My advice is this, before you purchase any package and that includes an Editing Package, check on-line. It’s more than likely you  will find a similar service with similar quality for 25 to 50% less than what a package costs. Don’t buy the line “you get what you pay for” meaning you’ll get better and higher quality services if you pony up the money for an expensive package. It’s not true.

A very important thing to know before buying any package is to get an understanding of how the publishing company you work with will determine the retail price of your book. If the price is set too high, you will not sell any books. WestBow was great with helping me keep the price point below $20.  Amazon currently lists my book at $15.56  To reach my price point  I had to cut some chapters and change the font to a smaller size. As far as the e-book went, I had total control over that price and I chose $2.99.  I’ve heard of some self-publishing nightmares were books were prices were set above $30. This price point made it impossible for authors to sell their books.  Make sure you know the price point you want your book to sell, and that your publishing company will work with you to achieve that goal.

WestBow was great in asking me for feedback throughout the entire process, but asking for feedback, and doing something with the feedback are two different things. There were many times there were some problems that were not resolved to my satisfaction. In fact never did I think my satisfaction was that important in the process. Following the rules and guidelines took precedence over my satisfaction as a customer.

It’s been estimated the average book that is self-published sells less than 150 copies. I know why. Unless you are willing to purchase additional packages, you are left to your own devices to sell your book. Call me foolish, but I thought WestBow would help me obtain book reviews, or to get my book into bookstores. I was wrong. If I wanted to get into bookstores I could purchase “Berean Christian Store Signing and Placement Package” for a mere $5,999.00. That’s the cost of getting WestBow’s help to get my book into bookstores.

They did not provide any help or links to Independent book stores who might carry my book.  In other words you get no practical, or useful help. You are on your own. My advice if you are serious about selling a book is to have a marketing plan in place before spending the money to have your book published.

From a positive direction, I’m delighted with the quality of my book. I like the layout. The cover design is first class.  The way the book was set up on Amazon and Barnes and Noble with a look inside the book program was fantastic. Would I use WestBow for a second book? Yes I would, but I wouldn’t buy an editing or press release package. I’d find those services myself outside of WestBow.

Now it’s up to me to market our book:  I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
                           Coping With The Emotional, Relational, Sexual & Spiritual Aspects of Prostate Cancer

I will do so proudly, knowing we’ve published a first class book with useful information for men and couples coping with prostate cancer. I make it a point to say “no” to every sales call from WestBow offering me another expensive package to help me sell books. I wish every self-publishing author much success as they navigate through the tricky and expensive world of self-publishing.

Guilt Drives Us To Do Things We Don’t Want to Do

                           

Yesterday I wanted to have a down day relaxing with my wife. More often than not, I can’t justify doing that. Therefore, I said to Brenda before we take a down day, let’s take a few minutes to plant the beautiful bush you purchased last week. I expected this task to take 10 minutes. In hindsight, I suppose I thought I’d experience little or no guilt taking the down time, if I knew I accomplished something first. Brenda reluctantly agreed to my plan. She doesn’t feel any guilt about taking down time, so she didn’t feel any need to plant the bush.

I hadn’t dug more than 6 inches before I burst a main water line to our sprinkler system. Water began gushing everywhere. I knew based on the amount of water leaking I had to turn off the main line as quickly as possible. After doing this, I had to remove the water from the hole in order to inspect the damage I did to the pipe. I as I was feeling for the damage, I cut my finger on a jagged edge of the damaged pipe. The color red began to show in the small amount of muddy water left in the hole. I lifted my hand from the hole to inspect the cut to my finger. Fortunately it was a small cut which didn’t require immediate first aid. Two hours later, the pipe was fixed and bush was planted. So much for a ten minute task.

Later in the day I decided I’d take “two minutes” to change a Bible verse on our website. I don’t know this happened, but somehow I deleted the introductory message on the first page of the site, and I couldn’t get back. An hour later I had a temporary fix, but I knew I’d need to work on this again the following the day.  Two little projects that shouldn’t have taken more than 15 minutes ended up taking three hours of the day I’d reserved for down time with my wife.

Yesterday I discovered that guilt often drives us to do things that are self-destructive. It’s time to allow love rather than guilt to drive my behavior. How about you? What self-destructive things does guilt drive you to do?

Happiness Is a Moving Target

                                                      Happiness is a moving target

I’ll be happy when ___________.  I wonder how many times we give up on enjoying the present and place our happiness and contentment somewhere in the future. I challenge everyone who reads this to come up at least 5 answers to fill in the blank. What I discovered as each event happens, I’m not happy because another when simply takes its place. Here’s what the process looked like as  I was writing I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

I’ll be happy:
1. When I finish writing my book
2. When it is published
3. When I receive good reviews
4. When I sell my first 5,000 books

There’s no doubt in my mind, after 5,000 are sold I’ll feel happy maybe for a day, then the line will move to 10,000.

The same holds true with relationships. I’ll be happy:
1. When I meet Mr. or Mrs. Right
2. When I marry Mr. or Mrs. Right
3. When I have Children with Mr. or Mrs. Right
4. When I fix Mr. or Mrs. Right so we can enjoy our marriage
5. When I divorce Mr. or &Mrs. Right to find someone who loves me the way I deserve to be loved
6. When I meet the new and improved Mr. or Mrs. Right
7. When I marry the new and improved Mr. or Mrs. Right

There is a Bible verse and a biblical truth that can take off this endless cycle. It’s a difficult lesson to learn and not everyone is interested in learning it. They’d rather put their hopes and dreams on the next when.  Here’s the lesson given to us by Paul:
 Phil 4:11-13
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content:  I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It’s a lesson I’m still learning, because I’ve grown weary of chasing a moving target.

Success Looks Different Through Spiritual Eyes

As my wife and I were writing “I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?” I thought to myself once our book is published I will have fulfilled a life long dream to become an author. Not exactly, it was my dream to write books for children.  I wrote one titled “Ike & Mike Like to Fight” After multiple publishers rejected the book, I gave up on the idea of writing a book for three decades.

After I was diagnosed with prostate cancer I began an on-line diary for two reasons. First, to preserve my thoughts in real-time in case I would write a book, and second, to help others along their journey. It wasn’t long before I felt a call from the Holy Spirit to write a book in order to help men, and couples cope with the diagnosis of prostate cancer and life following prostate surgery. Based upon my previous experience with publishing, I wasn’t very optimistic a book I’d write would ever see the light of day. I forgot a very important spiritual lesson, when God calls you to do something, if you are faithful and obedient, it will come to pass. Now that said, God didn’t promise me a  #1 best selling book. (I became the one who wanted that.)

It took my wife and I close to 3 years to write our book, and it’s now published. The fact I can go to Barnes & Noble or Amazon.com and see the book in hard cover, soft cover, kindle, and in ibook edition for the ipad is amazing to me. I anticipated I’d feel some degree accomplishment and a huge feeling of gratitude that God decided to use our experiences with prostate cancer to help other people.  I felt these things for a day or two , and then those feelings rapidly vanished.

I stopped seeing this achievement through spiritual eyes and began to see them through the eyes of the world. With that view in place I asked myself the following: “What good is it to have written a book if no one buys it?”  With this view in place, the only way to achieve success involved developing a marketing campaign to make the book nationally known and selling hundreds of thousands of books. I must confess, for a time, I really got lost. Fortunately, my spiritual outlook returned. The following formula:
 success=number of books sold,  is now null and void.

So I’m left with the following question: What does success look like though spiritual eyes? I’m still working that answer out. This much I do know, it means I’ll be going way beyond my comfort zone. At some point in the future, I believe Brenda & I will be involved with newspapers, radio, and possibly TV.  I’m no longer driven to achieve instant success. I know I must be on my knees in prayer asking for what directions to go. It means trusting in where we are in the moment, and feeling grateful we’ve been brought this far in the journey. It means learning to do things I’ve never done before, such as having an author Facebook page, and hosting a website at: http://www.whereisyourprostate.com/. It means blogging, which something I’ve never done or wanted to do.

It God’s MO to send people to places they’d rather not go, to do things they’d rather not do, in order to bless people you never thought to bless before.  I suspect doing all those things is part of my new definition of success. As this definition evolves I’ll share it. The question each of us must ask, is how do we define success, and does our definition come from the world or our faith? How we answer that question makes all the difference in the direction our lives will take.

Book Promoting Ideas

Writing I Left My Prostate in San Francisco was a very different very different task than advertising and marketing the book. Unless men and couples coping with prostate cancer know about this book it won’t sell.

So, how do you go about making your book known? Here are some of the useful steps that every author needs to take:
1. Obtain book reviews. While there are some lists on-line that have lists of book reviewers, I’ve spent dozens of hours on-line looking for book reviewers. Every author needs to decide whether they want free reviews and/or paid book reviews. I decided to go for both.
2. Develop an on-line presence.
A. I have an author page http://www.whereisyourprostate.com/
B. A Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/I-Left-My-Prostate-In-San-Francisco-Wheres-Yours/336668756422536?ref=ts
C. A blog: http://whereisyourprostate.blogspot.com/
D. An on-line diary: http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/journey-from-diagnosis-treatment-recovery

If you Google my name, Rick Redner, Brenda, or the book title I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours? You will find dozens of links and mentions on Google. So we have a strong internet presence.

3. Enter the book into book award contests-We’ve entered our book into 4 of these contests.

4.   Get your books in the hands of readers. I have a 25 book give a way in the month of March on Goodreads.

So far this means very little in terms of book sales. Much more is required. The next step is generating the kind of publicity that will help sell books and generate traffic to our website and on-line support forums.
If you as an author can afford a book publicity agent, that person may have the skills and contacts you get your book into the mainstream media.

Since our book has a Christian orientation, we’ve asked both Focus on the Family and Family Life Today to consider using the book in their ministry. We’ve also asked them to consider doing a talk-show about prostate cancer. This is a story that has national interest because 1 in 6 men will receive this diagnosis in their lifetime. Additionally, a man is diagnosed with prostate cancer every 2.2 minutes and a man dies from prostate cancer every 18 minutes.

We are hoping our local newspaper the Modesto Bee will do a feature story about our book and on-line ministry. We are also looking into interviews with other radio stations.

Selling a book is an uphill battle, which takes time and persistence. Since my wife and believe in what we are doing we bring both of those personality traits to the mix.  We will see how all of our efforts come together in the coming months and whether those efforts will impact book sales.

If you have an idea for a book I want to encourage you to follow those dreams, but don’t expect over night success.

What you want to know before you have a Da Vinci Prostate Surgery

This week a man who had prostate surgery posted a message on a forum that touched my heart and quite frankly ticked me off at the way men with prostate cancer are treated. Just 9 weeks post surgery he said this:

The physical pain from the surgery is gone but everything else is
deteriorating. There is not a minute where I don't regret my decision and
prefer to just evaporate. There is no denying it; I am now a freak. I don't
respect myself and, in all honesty, I don't know how others would respect
me either. Sleep is now my only comfort. Perhaps a very deep sleep will
help me to evaporate, permanently.

The despair this man feels is gut wrenching to read. The permanent changes brought about by prostate surgery are extremely difficult to cope with. I know because I've had to adjust to these changes myself.  If you go to the websites that promote robotic prostate surgery, you are given the impression, afters surgery all will be well in a few short weeks. This is partly true but mostly a lie.

The truthful part is the recovery time from robotic surgery is amazingly quick. I had my appendix removed in my 20’s and it took me a few weeks to walk around the block following my appendectomy.  3 days after robotic surgery I was able to walk a mile without any difficulty what so ever. Big deal. I've known men who returned to work 2 weeks after Robotic Surgery. Not me, I needed to stay home for 3 months. I found  living in diapers, and needing to change myself 15 times a day was as close to living in hell as I want to experience in his lifetime.

My sexuality came to an abrupt end. Constantly leaking urine is a romance killer.  I wasn't leaking small drops of urine, it was a lot of urine and that was during foreplay. It got much worse at the time of orgasm, because ejaculation was replaced by urination. Rather than ejaculate, I’d urinate. That was not a welcome change or one I was prepared to face. For me this, development ended my desire for sex.

If all of that wasn't bad enough, it get’s worse. Erectile dysfunction is another common side effect of prostate surgery. The majority of men loose the ability to obtain an erection for 18-24 months. I’m 19 months post- surgery and I've yet to experience a spontaneous erection since my surgery. It takes a heavy toll on a man’s sense of value and self-worth. It also has a major impact on a man’s relationship with his partner.

If you are thinking about Robotic Surgery often called Da Vinci Surgery I invite you to read my book titled I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours? Available at:
Barnes & Noble
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/i-left-my-prostate-in-san-francisco-wheres-yours-rick-and-brenda-redner/1114216951?ean=9781449779627

Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Left-Prostate-San-Francisco-Wheres-Yours/dp/1449779611/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1360343731&sr=8-1

The Kindle Edition sells for $2.99
http://www.amazon.com/Left-Prostate-Francisco-Wheres-Yours-ebook/dp/B00B5V575G/ref=tmm_kin_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1360343731&sr=8-1

If you need support or have questions prior to prostate surgery please visit me at:
http://whereisyourprostate.freeforums.org/index.php

If you are having trouble adjusting to life after prostate surgery, please buy my book and visit me here:
http://whereishisprostate.freeforums.org/

If you’ve had surgery, I’d appreciate you participating in a 4 question poll here:
http://www.whereisyourprostate.com/Forums.html

It's time to speak the truth so men aren't surprised by despair after their prostate surgery.