A Question of Balance

I’m a quick fix kind of guy. If there’s a problem, and a known solution, (especially if it involves duct tape or goop) I want the fix to occur and problem solved ASAP.

What I’ve learned about knee joint replacement surgery is the “fix” to the problem (surgery) takes under two hours.

To heal from the “fix” takes months.                       *Worse-There are no shortcuts.                               *Worser-neither duct tape or goop is useful.               *Worst of all- I’ve lost mobility, access to the second story of our house, and the ability to drive a car, and to stand for more than ten minutes at a time.                               Progress is  measured literally in inches rather than feet or miles.But if I’ve learned anything in 17 surgeries it’s these two lessons:                                                                                        

#1 Celebrate every small milestone or step towards healing even if the step is measured in inches.    

#2. Look for humor EVERYWHERE 

So my most recent celebrations:

•I can walk down the two steps to I can access and enjoy our backyard.                                                                      •I can walk up and down our front entryway so walks in the neighborhood becomes possible WHEN I can tolerate standing for more than a few minutes.

These changes are worth celebrating.

As far as humor goes, yesterday I was walking (with my walker) down the steps and down our driveway. I was blasting the theme song from the movie Chariots of Fire, as I hobbled down the driveway (wondering if the angle would be to steep for me to return to the house) I bumped into a neighbor who got a kick of the choice of my music to hobble down the driveway.

After sharing a laugh, she said: “You need to do this using the theme song from Rocky.”

I said: “You missed it. That was yesterday!”       Another time to laugh!                                                                      

When Brenda and I watch movies we are looking for either faith-based, or comedies. Murder mystery movies are out! Watching a lot of news is out as well.

As I take the next three months to recover, and go to out-patient physical therapy, I want to spend the next three months laughing and celebrating as much as possible!

That said, I’m not using denial. On nights I’m kept awake most of the night because of pain, or when I feel both bad and sad I can’t sleep in my own bed, I give myself permission to feel and grieve these losses.

Verses from Ecclesiastes 3 come to mind:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens……. a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

Faith doesn’t forbid you from weeping or mourning. In fact our Lord cares so much about us in our suffering that:           

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.    ~Psalm 56:8~                                                                                                                                        Faith also provides wonderful reasons to experience joy, gratitude, grace, celebration, and laughter.

So the next three months will be filled with both laughter and tears, but I suspect the scales will tip heavily on the side of joy, gratitude, grace, celebration, and laughter.

How does this relate to life post prostatectomy?

Grieve the loss of

Urinary control 

Life in diapers 

Grieve unwelcome the changes in your erectile functioning 

Grieve the loss of your sex drive

Celebrate when your catheter is removed

Celebrate if you’ve learned to live in diapers without leaking 

Celebrate when you move from diapers to pads.

The scales after prostate surgery tip heavily on the side of negativity, which is why the ability to celebrate and laugh are vitally important. 

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote an award winning comprehensive guide to the physical, personal, spiritual, and relational issues, every man, and couple, will face before and after prostate surgery. The title of their book is:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours? 

After four years of coping with erectile dysfunction after double nerve sparing surgery,  Rick & Brenda decided to share their experiences with devastating effects of erectile dysfunction; which led to a loss of self-esteem, and marital conflict.

They shared why they chose to seek professional help to save their marriage. They also provided a detailed account of how and why Rick went the penile implant route, and how that changed everything. This is a life changing book. Don’t take their word for it, read the Amazon reviews.

The title of their second book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction 

The Healing Power of Songs

I dedicate this blog and this song to my wife who endured four extremely difficult years post prostate cancer surgery.

After my surgery, my Surgeon assured us that the sparing of my two nerve bundles meant I’d recover my erectile functioning…..only it didn’t.

I discovered that every form of affection served a bitter reminder of what I lost. 

So I have up holding hands, physical touching, hugs and kisses. As if avoiding those things would help me forget that I lost my manhood. 

It didn’t!

Then I unilaterally decided the best thing I could do for my wife was to push her far away until she asked me for a divorce. I had another (selfish) motive as well. 

I wanted to protect myself from feeling betrayed. I was convinced it was inevitable my wife would fall into the arms of a fulling functioning man. I wanted to control that process to avoid another hurt.

Of course I kept this fear, and my goal to blow up our marriage to myself. I failed in my goal to blow up our marriage because my wife was fiercely determined to save our marriage. 

We needed additional help. I was too embarrassed to discuss my reactions to erectile dysfunction with a counselor!

In the end, my resistance was no match for my wife’s persistence. We received help from counseling and the Author of forgiveness our Lord and Savior. 

This song is my story and I pray it’s yours as well as you navigate the treacherous roads of coping with erectile dysfunction.

Here are the lyrics of:

Unbroken

By Joel Smallbone

Until today I believed

Without a doubt

I had gone down this road

Way too far

To turn around

I carry the weight of the past

On my back

Till' the day I die

But thanks to you

Now I realize

Every lie that's been told

Can be untold

And every soul that's been sold

Can be unsold

And every angry word that's been spoke

Can be unspoken

And every heart

That's been broke

Can be unbroken

I know that it takes a lot of guts

To tell the truth

And a heart won't be fixed overnight

When it's broke in two

You never gave up on me

Even though I kept pushing you away

You showed me how

It's not too late to change

Yeah...

And every lie that's been told

Can be untold

And every soul that's been sold

Can be unsold

And every angry word that's been spoke

Can be unspoken

And every heart

That's been broke

Can be unbroken

Be forgiven

It's never too late to be forgiven

Yeah, Ye-ah!

Cause every lie that's been told

Can be untold

And every soul that's been sold

Can be unsold

And every angry word that's been spoke

Can be unspoken

And every heart

That's been broke can be unbroken

Yeah can be unbroken 

If this song blessed you in any way, share it with your partner and anyone else that comes to mind.

https://youtu.be/YCNUh4jaxk

A New Year

 It’s 2022! 

What a privilege it is to grow old with my sweet wife.I remember when I subscribed to “youth’s universal illusion of immortality.”

In those days, I assumed I had decades of New Year’s Eves to celebrate.

Now, I’ve reached an age where I no longer assume I’ll be around to celebrate 2023.  

Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.

Some may think I’ve become morbid. 

Not me! I think I’ve finally aligned myself with reality. 

One of my go to Bible verses is this:                          Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.                                                                              ~ Psalm 90:12~

When Jesus knew he had 24 hours left to live, he did what was most important to him.

He said to his disciples:                                                Then He said to them, “With fervent desire I have desired to eat this Passover with you before I suffer;                      ~ Luke 22:15~

On his last day on earth, Jesus was mindful to do the will of his Father in Heaven. Not only on his last day; every day.                                                                                May that be said about all of us!                                 Happy 2022!