Before any surgery it's necessary to sign a consent to treat form which lists the risks involved with the surgery you're agreeing to. Here's a list of seven risks of prostate surgery you may not be informed of
1. The possibility of life-long leaking of urine
2. Climacturia-Leaking of urine before or during orgasm
3. Penile shrinkage
4. Change in the intensity of orgasms
5. Loss of ejaculation
6. A permanent change in the level of hardness of your erection
7. Loss of Libido-(interest in sex)
If you've had prostate surgery, we're you informed of these risks? If you know someone who is considering a prostatectomy (a surgery to remove the prostate) share this blog with them. Advise them to print this out to discuss these risks with their surgeon.
Believe me when I warn you that reading the seven risks is a whole lot easier than living with the reality of a single one of these risks.
Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the author of I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where's Yours?
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Friday, May 6, 2016
Friday, April 29, 2016
Everything You NEVER Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants Press Release
Here's the press release I'm considering for our new book which will be released this summer. Comments are welcome.
Uplifting New Book Shares How You Can Get Take Back What Erectile Dysfunction Takes Away – A Life-Changing Story of a Couple’s Journey With Impotence & Penile Implant Surgery.
Written by award winning authors, Richard and Brenda Redner, ‘Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants’ reaches out to the thirty-million American men suffering from Erectile Dysfunction, with a heartfelt message that romance and sexual fulfillment is still possible. Rick thought he’d lost it all after treatment for prostate cancer left him impotent, but thanks to penile implant surgery, the Redners now enjoy a life of passion and satisfaction that exceeded their hope and expectations. It’s a story that can easily become yours if you are coping with erectile dysfunction.
For Immediate Release
Modesto, CA – Rick Redner was one of the thirty-million U.S. men who suffered with a medical condition that robbed him of his manhood, left him seriously depressed, and caused him to believe his wife would be better off without him.
In a compelling and potentially life-changing new book, ‘Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants’ is a rarely told and unique story that could help millions of men find an effective form of treatment to restore their erectile functioning, lost manhood, and sex life.
Synopsis:
After Rick was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer, he and his wife struggled as they adjusted to a four-year journey coping with erectile dysfunction. After exhausting all forms of treatment, Rick was told he’d be impotent for the rest of his life. Unwilling to live with that loss, Rick made a decision to undergo penile implant surgery. As a couple, Rick & Brenda candidly share their journey before and after implant surgery. They share their victories, defeats, and the life-changing lessons they learned along the way. They guide men and couples through depression, grief, and the relational conflicts that typically occur when couples find themselves coping with erectile dysfunction.
After reading their story you’ll know how to overcome the various roadblocks, which prevent men and couples from developing a satisfying relational and sex life. You’ll learn how you can end the silence, sadness, suffering, and shame associated with erectile dysfunction.
After reading their story you’ll know how to overcome the various roadblocks, which prevent men and couples from developing a satisfying relational and sex life. You’ll learn how you can end the silence, sadness, suffering, and shame associated with erectile dysfunction.
Unfortunately, most men coping with erectile dysfunction are not informed about the life changing option of a penile implant. Rick & Brenda take you from the hospital and into their bedroom in order for you to know the intimate details of how this surgery will change your emotional, psychological, relational, and sexual life. You’ll discover how romance and sexual fulfillment are possible with or without a penile implant.
While there are many effective treatment options available to restore erectile functioning, unfortunately, what you don’t know can hurt you. Rick decided to write this book after receiving a letter from a widow whose husband was cured of prostate cancer. Tragically, rather than live the rest of his life impotent, he committed suicide. Rick was convinced he died unnecessarily and unaware of the possibility of penile implant surgery.
Rick and Brenda want to spread the word that penile implants have the highest user and partner satisfaction rates of all the treatment options available for erectile dysfunction. It is within the realm of possibility to get back what you thought was lost forever.
Rick says “Erectile dysfunction is a thief. In a relatively short period of time living with ED, all of your previously exciting erection-producing triggers elicit painful emotions, such as disappointment, frustration, anger, and shame. In order to protect themselves from experiencing these powerfully unpleasant feelings, men will actively avoid any actions or behaviors that are associated with their previously exciting sexual triggers. That’s one of the reasons why most men withdraw from all forms of physical affection. Holding hands, backrubs, kissing each other, and all other forms of affection, become bitter reminders of what’s lost.”
As Brenda reflects on the changes brought about by penile surgery she says: “Our sexual relationship has blossomed to a point beyond what we could have ever imagined. Creatively we have grown to love and cherish each other more than ever.”
One year after surgery, Rick and Brenda are having the time of their lives. After their first romantic vacation of 2016, Rick said “Unlike many of our romantic vacations before my implant surgery, a few nasty vacation crashers did not join us on our get-away. My vacation crasher named worry can no longer rob me of my joy. Two other vacation crashers, disappointment and failure, can no longer mess with my confidence or manhood. They’re all banished from my vacations, my bedroom, and my life.”
If erectile dysfunction has stolen your manhood, caused an increase in tension, fighting or loneliness in your relationship, or caused you to believe you have nothing to offer, you’ll want to read the inspiring journey Rick & Brenda share with you in their newly released book ‘Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants’
About the Authors:
Rick Redner received his Masters Degree in Social Work from Michigan State University. He has experience working as a medical and psychiatric social worker.
Brenda Redner received her RN/BSN at Michigan State University. She has experience in oncology, home health nursing, psychiatric nursing, and teaching. She’s home-schooled each of their four children.
Rick & Brenda are the authors of the awarding winning book I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
Brenda Redner received her RN/BSN at Michigan State University. She has experience in oncology, home health nursing, psychiatric nursing, and teaching. She’s home-schooled each of their four children.
Rick & Brenda are the authors of the awarding winning book I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
Monday, April 11, 2016
PSA Testing Anxiety
The Prostate Specific Antigen test commonly referred to as the PSA test, measures the level of PSA in the blood. PSA is a substance made by the prostate. The levels of PSA in the blood can be higher in men who have prostate cancer. Usually men with rising levels of PSA are asked to take a prostate biopsy. It's after the biopsy results are in that men are given the news whether or not they have prostate cancer.
Once a man is diagnosed with prostate cancer, a yearly PSA test is usually required at least once a year for the rest of the his life. I don't know how many men go off the grid and skip their yearly testing. I do know this, I wanted to be and would have become one of the men who go off the grid and skip out on their yearly testing. I suspect doing this gives you the false confidence that your cancer will not return, To willingly take a PSA every year means you believe in the possibility of that your cancer could return.
Even though I wanted to go off the grid, I couldn't. I'd been given a warning I found impossible to ignore. Though it happened many years ago, it's an incident I''ll never forget. A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with kidney cancer. They removed the cancerous kidney and he resumed his normal living. For the next few years he lived his life believing he was cured of cancer. No one told him to come in for yearly tests so he lived off the grid.
One day he developed severe back pain. He went to his doctor. He was placed on physical therapy. He went to PT for months without having any relief in his pain. Eventually he developed a severe case of night sweats. Once again he went for a physical exam. His physician decided to run tests to determine whether or not his cancer returned.
Unfortunately for him, the return of his cancer went undetected for many years. By the time they discovered his cancer, it had spread so far he was given a few months to live. Within four months he died from cancer. I was furious. For years no one asked him to follow up or be checked for the return of cancer. When he suffered from back pain, he was wrongly prescribed physical therapy. He was near death before his doctors discovered his cancer returned.
There was a lesson in this for me and I burned it into my mind. The lesson was this: If I'm ever diagnosed with any form of cancer, I cannot go off the grid. I understood I could lose my life unnecessarily, by going off the grid, so I made a promise to myself if I ever receive a diagnosis of cancer I would get regular checks whether or not they were recommended by my physician. I was sad and angry that my friend lost his life to cancer because no one told him to get checked on a regular basis. Perhaps he'd be alive today if the return of his cancer was discovered early on.
When I was first diagnosed with prostate cancer, without any effort on my part this lesson jumped of the file in my mind and read like a huge banner which said: YOUR LIFE DEPENDS UPON YOU NEVER GOING OFF THE GRID!
Within three years I was treating this like old New Years resolution. My wife would say it's time for your PSA test and I respond with the following question: "Would you mind if I skipped the test this year?" I don't know why I bothered asking, I knew the answer would be "NO!"
I had to ask myself a serious question. Why on earth would I want to avoid a test that could save my life? I was surprised by the answer. Taking a PSA test year after year is a powerful and unpleasant reminder that our cancer could come back at any time. You'll never receive an all clear. The danger is never over.
I don't like to be reminded my cancer could return. Six years after surgery, I'd like to believe I've beat prostate cancer once and for all and there's no possibility cancer will return. As I go for my next test, which is sometime next week, I'll have to wait with unpleasant uncertainty which could easily escalate to anxiety, until I receive the test results. During the entire time of waiting the following question will come to my mind MANY times a day: "Will this be the year prostate cancer returns?"
No matter what the results are, I'm grateful for the time I've spent cancer free. If I end up fighting disease once again at least I'll know early on, before it has an opportunity to spread. I remain one of the fortunate men diagnosed with prostate cancer. Early detection is an undeniable blessing both at the time of diagnosis, and in the time following treatment. So like it or not, I'll be getting my PSA tested year after year, for the rest of my life. If you have prostate cancer I hope you'll make the same commitment.
Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the author of I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where's Yours?
Rick has written more than one hundred blogs about prostate cancer.
Prostate Cancer Blogs
You can visit Rick’s Forums at:
Pre-Surgery, Post-Surgery, Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implant Forums
Once a man is diagnosed with prostate cancer, a yearly PSA test is usually required at least once a year for the rest of the his life. I don't know how many men go off the grid and skip their yearly testing. I do know this, I wanted to be and would have become one of the men who go off the grid and skip out on their yearly testing. I suspect doing this gives you the false confidence that your cancer will not return, To willingly take a PSA every year means you believe in the possibility of that your cancer could return.
Even though I wanted to go off the grid, I couldn't. I'd been given a warning I found impossible to ignore. Though it happened many years ago, it's an incident I''ll never forget. A dear friend of mine was diagnosed with kidney cancer. They removed the cancerous kidney and he resumed his normal living. For the next few years he lived his life believing he was cured of cancer. No one told him to come in for yearly tests so he lived off the grid.
One day he developed severe back pain. He went to his doctor. He was placed on physical therapy. He went to PT for months without having any relief in his pain. Eventually he developed a severe case of night sweats. Once again he went for a physical exam. His physician decided to run tests to determine whether or not his cancer returned.
Unfortunately for him, the return of his cancer went undetected for many years. By the time they discovered his cancer, it had spread so far he was given a few months to live. Within four months he died from cancer. I was furious. For years no one asked him to follow up or be checked for the return of cancer. When he suffered from back pain, he was wrongly prescribed physical therapy. He was near death before his doctors discovered his cancer returned.
There was a lesson in this for me and I burned it into my mind. The lesson was this: If I'm ever diagnosed with any form of cancer, I cannot go off the grid. I understood I could lose my life unnecessarily, by going off the grid, so I made a promise to myself if I ever receive a diagnosis of cancer I would get regular checks whether or not they were recommended by my physician. I was sad and angry that my friend lost his life to cancer because no one told him to get checked on a regular basis. Perhaps he'd be alive today if the return of his cancer was discovered early on.
When I was first diagnosed with prostate cancer, without any effort on my part this lesson jumped of the file in my mind and read like a huge banner which said: YOUR LIFE DEPENDS UPON YOU NEVER GOING OFF THE GRID!
Within three years I was treating this like old New Years resolution. My wife would say it's time for your PSA test and I respond with the following question: "Would you mind if I skipped the test this year?" I don't know why I bothered asking, I knew the answer would be "NO!"
I had to ask myself a serious question. Why on earth would I want to avoid a test that could save my life? I was surprised by the answer. Taking a PSA test year after year is a powerful and unpleasant reminder that our cancer could come back at any time. You'll never receive an all clear. The danger is never over.
I don't like to be reminded my cancer could return. Six years after surgery, I'd like to believe I've beat prostate cancer once and for all and there's no possibility cancer will return. As I go for my next test, which is sometime next week, I'll have to wait with unpleasant uncertainty which could easily escalate to anxiety, until I receive the test results. During the entire time of waiting the following question will come to my mind MANY times a day: "Will this be the year prostate cancer returns?"
No matter what the results are, I'm grateful for the time I've spent cancer free. If I end up fighting disease once again at least I'll know early on, before it has an opportunity to spread. I remain one of the fortunate men diagnosed with prostate cancer. Early detection is an undeniable blessing both at the time of diagnosis, and in the time following treatment. So like it or not, I'll be getting my PSA tested year after year, for the rest of my life. If you have prostate cancer I hope you'll make the same commitment.
Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the author of I Left My Prostate In San Francisco-Where's Yours?
Rick has written more than one hundred blogs about prostate cancer.
Prostate Cancer Blogs
You can visit Rick’s Forums at:
Pre-Surgery, Post-Surgery, Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implant Forums
Saturday, February 20, 2016
The Amazing Remedy for the Fear of Failure
When my wife and I wrote our first book, I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?
I never expected I'd be asked to write magazine articles, have interviews on radio, blog, appear in newspaper articles, become involved in social media reaching tens of thousands of people and most anxiety producing of all- become a conference speaker. All of these doors opened after we released our first book about coping with life and love without a prostate.
Our soon to be published second book covers our four year journey with erectile dysfunction which led to penile implant surgery. As far as I can, tell there are no books on Amazon written by a couple who share their experiences with the psychological, emotional, relational, sexual, & spiritual aspects of coping with erectile dysfunction and the changes brought about by penile implant surgery.
I believe one of two things will happen after our book is released. Either the book will be ignored and forgotten or it will attract national attention. Both of these possibilities frighten me. When you invest your time, your energy, your talent, and your money into a project, you become heavily invested in that project's success. I believe my wife and I have written a book that has the potential to ease suffering, to change lives, and to save marriages. We want to use our experiences to help other men and couples coping with erectile dysfunction.
Success usually takes time, talent, risk, and a willingness to go way beyond your comfort zone. For us success begins with prayer. We've spent lots of time in prayer during all the phases of writing our new book. How the book is received and what happens next depends upon both our faith and our efforts.
It would be effortless to allow my fear and anxiety to keep me within the bounds of my comfort zone.With two simple words my faith calls me to move far away from my comfort zone. These two are "Fear not".) These two words are usually accompanied by a promise. Here's a few examples:
(Isa 41:10 NKJV)
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you,
(Isa 41:13 NKJV)
'Fear not, I will help you.'
I never expected I'd be asked to write magazine articles, have interviews on radio, blog, appear in newspaper articles, become involved in social media reaching tens of thousands of people and most anxiety producing of all- become a conference speaker. All of these doors opened after we released our first book about coping with life and love without a prostate.
Our soon to be published second book covers our four year journey with erectile dysfunction which led to penile implant surgery. As far as I can, tell there are no books on Amazon written by a couple who share their experiences with the psychological, emotional, relational, sexual, & spiritual aspects of coping with erectile dysfunction and the changes brought about by penile implant surgery.
I believe one of two things will happen after our book is released. Either the book will be ignored and forgotten or it will attract national attention. Both of these possibilities frighten me. When you invest your time, your energy, your talent, and your money into a project, you become heavily invested in that project's success. I believe my wife and I have written a book that has the potential to ease suffering, to change lives, and to save marriages. We want to use our experiences to help other men and couples coping with erectile dysfunction.
Success usually takes time, talent, risk, and a willingness to go way beyond your comfort zone. For us success begins with prayer. We've spent lots of time in prayer during all the phases of writing our new book. How the book is received and what happens next depends upon both our faith and our efforts.
It would be effortless to allow my fear and anxiety to keep me within the bounds of my comfort zone.With two simple words my faith calls me to move far away from my comfort zone. These two are "Fear not".) These two words are usually accompanied by a promise. Here's a few examples:
(Isa 41:10 NKJV)
Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you,
(Isa 41:13 NKJV)
'Fear not, I will help you.'
My personal favorite:
(Isa 43:1-3 NKJV)
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
If we choose to follow in the direction God leads us, we will certainly experience fear. However God has made some very powerful promises which has the capacity to remove our fears. What I discovered about God's timing is this: The fear doesn't go away before we step out of our comfort zone. It will go away AFTER we've stopped out of our comfort zone.
So right here and right now, before the release of our book:
Everything You Were NEVER Told About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants
Subtitle: End The Silence, Sadness, Suffering & Shame
I plan to step out of my comfort zone as many times and ways in which I'm called to do so in order to reach a significant number of men & couples struggling to cope with erectile dysfunction. I suspect I'll need to read this many times once our book is released.
If you or someone you love is affected by ED and you'd like me to notify you when our book is released, drop me a line at:
copingwithed@gmail.com
copingwithed@gmail.com
Blessings,
Rick
Monday, February 15, 2016
Do You HATE Living with Erectile Dysfunction? If so DO SOMETHING!
One of the most unpleasant and emotionally devastating side effects of treating prostate cancer is the loss of your erectile abilities. In reaction to this loss, most men get highly irritable.
They use anger to shut down discussions, They withdraw from their partners emotionally and physically. There is an up tick in marital discord. The relationship with your partner deteriorates. To cope with depression men often resort to mood altering behaviors. Some examples are:
We help couples understand how to resume a meaningful sexual relationship, when all the triggers and motivation you’ve relied upon are transformed into feelings of shame.
After spending years coping with erectile dysfunction, depression, constant marital tension and fighting, we had to seek professional help to save our marriage. We decided open up our relationship, our conflicts and our success in saving our marriage with other couples who are struggling. Here’s what a man wrote after reading our book:
This book has immediately changed the dynamic between my wife and I.”
Don’t let erectile dysfunction steal your manhood. Don’t let ED destroy your sex life.
You owe it to yourself and your relationship to get help in the comfort and privacy of your own home.
You can read this book alone, but to get the most effective change read the book together and discuss the questions with the same attitude to have when you research a topic on the web. You don’t get angry, or defensive reading research from the library or internet, so approach the questions at the end of each chapter in same way.
If you still think all I’m doing is promoting this book go on Amazon and read the reviews. Here’s the link:
They use anger to shut down discussions, They withdraw from their partners emotionally and physically. There is an up tick in marital discord. The relationship with your partner deteriorates. To cope with depression men often resort to mood altering behaviors. Some examples are:
- Alcohol
- Drugs,
- TV time
- Computer time
- Pornography
- Flirting
- Affairs
- Prostitution
Unfortunately, shame and depression can keep men away from the healthy choices available to them. Erectile Dysfunction is treatable. Finding the right treatment involves discovering the underlying cause. I've heard the same complaints over and over again from the partners of men coping with ED.
- He refuses to talk about ED
- He won't go to the doctor
- Every time I bring up the subject he'll either walk away or get angry
- He's abandoned me emotionally
- He's abandoned me sexually
- He won't even touch me anymore
- I feel I'm living by myself, all alone this relationship
- He spends most of his free time zoned out by the TV or Computer
- He drinks alcohol frequently
If your partner is familiar with any of the issues listed above (ask them don't decide this on your own) it's time you get help. You haven't lost your manhood because you've lost your erectile functioning. You've given up your manhood because you refuse to seek help.
I urge all men to overcome your embarrassment, shame and/or resistance and speak to a physician about their erectile dysfunction. If you hate living with ED anywhere near as much as I did, get over your resistance and make an appointment for a medical exam. For the majority of men, there are treatment options that will restore your erectile abilities.
I urge all men to overcome your embarrassment, shame and/or resistance and speak to a physician about their erectile dysfunction. If you hate living with ED anywhere near as much as I did, get over your resistance and make an appointment for a medical exam. For the majority of men, there are treatment options that will restore your erectile abilities.
I was not in the majority of men. Prostate surgery was the cause of my ED. Both before and after surgery I was told that my erectile functioning would return. To insure that possibility I participated in an aggressive penile rehabilitation effort which included penile injections. When injections stopped working, I experienced occasional success with ED medications. These successes fueled our hope and our expectation that my nerve bundles would heal.
We maintained our hope for four years until every treatment method available began failing 100% of the time. Then came that fateful day when my Urologist told me the healing period was over. He gave me the awful news that I'd be impotent for the rest of my life. I left that appointment feeling hopeless and depressed.
I knew one thing and one thing only- I did not want to spend the rest of my life impotent. Do you? I did what I do best when I want to learn about something new. I went on-line to research treatment options for impotence.
I came across what I thought was an amazing option. In the medical field its called a "penile prosthesis." I never liked that term, I don't know why. I prefer the other term used called a "penile implant."
I was amazed with these four facts:
- This form of treatment has the highest patient satisfaction rate than any other form of treatment available for ED.
- My Urologist NEVER mentioned this option to me
- My insurance company would pay for the procedure
- There was not a single book I could find from a patient's or couples point of view about living an implant.
As much as I wanted to keep my decision to have a penile implant private it became quite clear to me this wasn't an option. Too many men and couples were struggling like we were. I decided two things.
First, I was getting a penile implant.
Second, I was going to write about my experiences in real time and put together a book after I had some time to live with an implant. I was delighted when my wife Brenda, agreed to write two chapters.
Our book is now available on Amazon. We’ve received great reviews but more importantly we are providing couples with the tools they need to discuss erectile dysfunction in relationship changing ways.
In the book my wife and I wrote together we discuss the ways in which ED causes conflict, and how to diminish your shame in order to discuss the issue without the presence of anger and defensiveness.
First, I was getting a penile implant.
Second, I was going to write about my experiences in real time and put together a book after I had some time to live with an implant. I was delighted when my wife Brenda, agreed to write two chapters.
Our book is now available on Amazon. We’ve received great reviews but more importantly we are providing couples with the tools they need to discuss erectile dysfunction in relationship changing ways.
In the book my wife and I wrote together we discuss the ways in which ED causes conflict, and how to diminish your shame in order to discuss the issue without the presence of anger and defensiveness.
We help couples understand how to resume a meaningful sexual relationship, when all the triggers and motivation you’ve relied upon are transformed into feelings of shame.
After spending years coping with erectile dysfunction, depression, constant marital tension and fighting, we had to seek professional help to save our marriage. We decided open up our relationship, our conflicts and our success in saving our marriage with other couples who are struggling. Here’s what a man wrote after reading our book:
This book has immediately changed the dynamic between my wife and I.”
Don’t let erectile dysfunction steal your manhood. Don’t let ED destroy your sex life.
You owe it to yourself and your relationship to get help in the comfort and privacy of your own home.
You can read this book alone, but to get the most effective change read the book together and discuss the questions with the same attitude to have when you research a topic on the web. You don’t get angry, or defensive reading research from the library or internet, so approach the questions at the end of each chapter in same way.
If you still think all I’m doing is promoting this book go on Amazon and read the reviews. Here’s the link:
We wish you the best, and we remain committed to personally communicate with the men and couples who read our books.
We also wrote another award winning life changing, couple changing book as well:
Rick Redner MSW, Brenda Redner RN, are the authors of an awarding winning book written to help men and couples cope with life without a prostate. You can read the first few pages at no charge here:
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Eleven Questions to Ask After Prostate Surgery
A clash of expectations presents a challenge for men and couples to overcome. Far too many men and couples are unpleasantly surprised after prostate surgery. Double nerve sparing Robotic Surgery is sold to men as a relatively easy procedure to tolerate. That's accurate unless there are complications.
My wife and I were amazed with the ease in which I began walking around the block the day after we returned from the hospital. The ease of the physical recovery sets the wrong mindset on the other aspects of living life without a prostate. When they sent me home with a list of things to watch for after surgery, I wish sent me home with a list of other things to watch for in my psychological, emotional, relational, sexual and spiritual life as well.
If I were asked to write such a list it would consist of these eleven questions:
At some point after surgery did you:
1. Hate the quality of your life
2. Regret your decision to have surgery
3. Notice an increase in irritability
4. Emotionally distance yourself from your partner
5. Become depressed
6. Avoid sex
7 Experience a decline in the quality of your marriage
8. Experience gratitude surgery cured your cancer
9. Overcome the obstacles to re-establishing your sex life. 10. Improve the quality of your relationship with your partner
11. Become closer or more distant with God?
I recently posted this list on Facebook. Within minutes, these two replies came in:
"Wow thanks Rick-Everything on this list I'm still experiencing"
"All of the above"
I'm not surprised, but the men who wrote those comments in all likelihood were. So are the tens of thousands of men and couples who find themselves coping with life without a prostate.
I'm ticked off that nothing has changed since my surgery six years ago. Men and couples continue to face difficult issues that permanently change the quality of their life and relationships, but no warning is provided and no help is offered. It's maddening.
If you were or still are coping with the challenges of living and loving without a prostate, I hope you'll add your thoughts about this.
Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the authors of an awarding winning book written to help men and couples cope with life without a prostate.
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours? Coping With The Emotional, Relational, Spiritual & Sexual Aspects of Prostate Cancer can be previewed and purchased at
My wife and I were amazed with the ease in which I began walking around the block the day after we returned from the hospital. The ease of the physical recovery sets the wrong mindset on the other aspects of living life without a prostate. When they sent me home with a list of things to watch for after surgery, I wish sent me home with a list of other things to watch for in my psychological, emotional, relational, sexual and spiritual life as well.
If I were asked to write such a list it would consist of these eleven questions:
At some point after surgery did you:
1. Hate the quality of your life
2. Regret your decision to have surgery
3. Notice an increase in irritability
4. Emotionally distance yourself from your partner
5. Become depressed
6. Avoid sex
7 Experience a decline in the quality of your marriage
8. Experience gratitude surgery cured your cancer
9. Overcome the obstacles to re-establishing your sex life. 10. Improve the quality of your relationship with your partner
11. Become closer or more distant with God?
I recently posted this list on Facebook. Within minutes, these two replies came in:
"Wow thanks Rick-Everything on this list I'm still experiencing"
"All of the above"
I'm not surprised, but the men who wrote those comments in all likelihood were. So are the tens of thousands of men and couples who find themselves coping with life without a prostate.
I'm ticked off that nothing has changed since my surgery six years ago. Men and couples continue to face difficult issues that permanently change the quality of their life and relationships, but no warning is provided and no help is offered. It's maddening.
If you were or still are coping with the challenges of living and loving without a prostate, I hope you'll add your thoughts about this.
Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the authors of an awarding winning book written to help men and couples cope with life without a prostate.
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours? Coping With The Emotional, Relational, Spiritual & Sexual Aspects of Prostate Cancer can be previewed and purchased at
Friday, February 12, 2016
Healthy vs Unhealthy Regret
I hoped one day I'd experience a permanent win in the battle between unhealthy and healthy regret. Two recent experiences remind me I'm not alone in this battle and it's far from over. The first incident began when my wife and I decided we needed to child proof our sliding glass door which leads to our pool area, which is not surrounded by a fence. I knew before I started drilling the latch into the slider there was a danger of breaking the glass. I thought about then ignored the option of simply drilling two holes on the right side of the latch and leaving the left side alone. That way I could be certain I wouldn't break the glass. I thought about using glue to strengthen and support the latch would work just fine.
That's all I did. I thought about it, then ignored my concerns and the idea that would have led to a successful installation. I'm a tad obsessive. The thought of seeing two empty screw slots presented me with an asymmetrical picture I didn't want to live with. So I drilled out the two holes on the left side, close to the glass door. All went well until I began the process of tightening the first screw on the left side of the latch. One turn of the screw driver shattered the glass in the door into thousands of pieces. It needlessly cost me $460 to replace the glass door. I didn't feel much better when the technician expressed his surprise that I broke the glass. He thought I'd drilled the hole far enough away. He said "You must have just nicked the glass just enough to break it." His comment didn't make me feel any better.
Once the door was replaced, I settled with my original decision to keep screws on the right side of the latch away from the glass. I was overwhelmed with the anger I felt toward myself. I knew the screws on the left side were dangerously close to the glass, and I knew I was running the risk of breaking the glass. I also knew the would have worked just fine with two screws instead of four. Ignoring my own advice cost me $460.
I can't count the number of times I've ignored my own advice, knowledge or wisdom and paid a costly price. I didn't know how to move on or how forgive myself. I was more than angry, I felt self hatred and condemnation. That's the sign of unhealthy regret. You're stuck in self hatred or condemnation or simply the wish you could undo what you've done.
Sometimes we pay the ultimate price for ignoring ourselves. I remember a elderly woman who was a dear friend. She was taking a shower when her phone rang. She had a message machine. There was no reason she couldn't pick up the message after her shower. Unfortunately, she decided she couldn't wait. In her rush to answer the phone she fell, slipped, and broke her hip. After multiple complications following her surgery, she died. You'd think I'd learn an important lesson from her experience, but I didn't. A few years later my phone rang while I was in the bath. I decided to run out of the bath to answer it rather than let my answering machine pick up a message. On my way to answer the phone I went sliding across the floor. I was fortunate. I kept my balance and didn't fall. It was too close a call. Once again I had to ask myself, why is it I ignore doing what I know to be right. I was extremely grateful I didn't fracture my hip. I made a mental note to myself that said "Never do that again!" I can't help but wonder if I'll ignore this warning once again.
Today I was reading a few posts from a prostate cancer support group. Many of the men were experiencing unhealthy regret. They were beating themselves up for decisions that made that cost them a great deal in terms of their health. One man regretted the years he'd spent using testosterone. He was convinced this decision made his cancer more deadly. Another man regretted the amount of time he delayed his treatment. That delay may cost him his life. Still another regretted his decision not to follow his Doctor's recommendation to have both radiation and chemotherapy after surgery. Now that his cancer has spread, he's starting chemotherapy. Sometimes we pay a lot more than $460 for making a mistake.
All of those men were living with a potentially life threatening disease, which is highly stressful enough. Adding to their stress and misery was unhealthy regret, forgiveness and self condemnation.
It isn't easy to break free from unhealthy regret. It takes time, intentionality, forgiveness and a reworking of thoughts.
Religion is often associated with guilt. I knew a Pastor who said he wasn't doing his job correctly if people didn't experience guilt after each his sermons. Jesus gave us the opportunity to end unhealthy regret in every circumstance:
Rom 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (NKJ)
There are many people who reject this amazing offer:
John 8:34-36
Jesus answered them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. (NKJV)
Martin Luther King understood this when he said: "Free at last! free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last. Nothing can take away the freedom God offers to you. It's an offer I can't refuse. How about you?
I leave you with two important questions to ask yourself. "What are the regrets that cause me to repeatedly beat myself up about?" Finally, "Will you forgive yourself?"
Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the authors of an awarding winning book written to help men and couples cope with life without a prostate. I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
Coping With The Emotional, Relational, Spiritual & Sexual Aspects of Prostate Cancer can be previewed and purchased at:
Amazon.com
Look for their next book about erectile dysfunction & penile implants in the 2nd quarter of 2016.
That's all I did. I thought about it, then ignored my concerns and the idea that would have led to a successful installation. I'm a tad obsessive. The thought of seeing two empty screw slots presented me with an asymmetrical picture I didn't want to live with. So I drilled out the two holes on the left side, close to the glass door. All went well until I began the process of tightening the first screw on the left side of the latch. One turn of the screw driver shattered the glass in the door into thousands of pieces. It needlessly cost me $460 to replace the glass door. I didn't feel much better when the technician expressed his surprise that I broke the glass. He thought I'd drilled the hole far enough away. He said "You must have just nicked the glass just enough to break it." His comment didn't make me feel any better.
Once the door was replaced, I settled with my original decision to keep screws on the right side of the latch away from the glass. I was overwhelmed with the anger I felt toward myself. I knew the screws on the left side were dangerously close to the glass, and I knew I was running the risk of breaking the glass. I also knew the would have worked just fine with two screws instead of four. Ignoring my own advice cost me $460.
I can't count the number of times I've ignored my own advice, knowledge or wisdom and paid a costly price. I didn't know how to move on or how forgive myself. I was more than angry, I felt self hatred and condemnation. That's the sign of unhealthy regret. You're stuck in self hatred or condemnation or simply the wish you could undo what you've done.
Sometimes we pay the ultimate price for ignoring ourselves. I remember a elderly woman who was a dear friend. She was taking a shower when her phone rang. She had a message machine. There was no reason she couldn't pick up the message after her shower. Unfortunately, she decided she couldn't wait. In her rush to answer the phone she fell, slipped, and broke her hip. After multiple complications following her surgery, she died. You'd think I'd learn an important lesson from her experience, but I didn't. A few years later my phone rang while I was in the bath. I decided to run out of the bath to answer it rather than let my answering machine pick up a message. On my way to answer the phone I went sliding across the floor. I was fortunate. I kept my balance and didn't fall. It was too close a call. Once again I had to ask myself, why is it I ignore doing what I know to be right. I was extremely grateful I didn't fracture my hip. I made a mental note to myself that said "Never do that again!" I can't help but wonder if I'll ignore this warning once again.
Today I was reading a few posts from a prostate cancer support group. Many of the men were experiencing unhealthy regret. They were beating themselves up for decisions that made that cost them a great deal in terms of their health. One man regretted the years he'd spent using testosterone. He was convinced this decision made his cancer more deadly. Another man regretted the amount of time he delayed his treatment. That delay may cost him his life. Still another regretted his decision not to follow his Doctor's recommendation to have both radiation and chemotherapy after surgery. Now that his cancer has spread, he's starting chemotherapy. Sometimes we pay a lot more than $460 for making a mistake.
All of those men were living with a potentially life threatening disease, which is highly stressful enough. Adding to their stress and misery was unhealthy regret, forgiveness and self condemnation.
It isn't easy to break free from unhealthy regret. It takes time, intentionality, forgiveness and a reworking of thoughts.
Religion is often associated with guilt. I knew a Pastor who said he wasn't doing his job correctly if people didn't experience guilt after each his sermons. Jesus gave us the opportunity to end unhealthy regret in every circumstance:
Rom 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. (NKJ)
If there is no condemnation in Christ, why do we condemn ourselves? Do you want to be chained to
your worst mistakes? My answer is "Heck no!"There are many people who reject this amazing offer:
John 8:34-36
Jesus answered them, "Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin. And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever. Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed. (NKJV)
Martin Luther King understood this when he said: "Free at last! free at last! Thank God almighty we are free at last. Nothing can take away the freedom God offers to you. It's an offer I can't refuse. How about you?
I leave you with two important questions to ask yourself. "What are the regrets that cause me to repeatedly beat myself up about?" Finally, "Will you forgive yourself?"
Rick Redner and his wife Brenda are the authors of an awarding winning book written to help men and couples cope with life without a prostate. I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
Coping With The Emotional, Relational, Spiritual & Sexual Aspects of Prostate Cancer can be previewed and purchased at:
Amazon.com
Look for their next book about erectile dysfunction & penile implants in the 2nd quarter of 2016.
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