Why Cancer Survivors Don't Need New Year's Resolutions

How many of your 2018 New Year's resolutions have you broken so far? For me, the answer is zero. My failure rate in completing New Year's resolutions was awful, so I stopped making resolutions.

I'm not alone in my inability to keep new years resolutions. According to one news report, "Research shows that 25 percent of people abandon their resolution in just the first week and 60 percent abandon them in six months."

My success rate in setting New Year’s goals was much higher. I was curious why I couldn’t keep a New Year’s resolution, but I could achieve New Year’s goals. I googled the topic. To my surprise, there were dozens of articles to choose from. Apparently, a New Year's resolution is a wish. Setting a goal involves making a plan. Those of us who are cancer survivors need specific plans rather than wishes.

For some of us, the plans involve continuing the fight against prostate cancer with additional aggressive treatment. For those who've completed their treatment, quality-of-life issues often exist, such as bladder or bowel problems, or erectile dysfunction, which profoundly affects our self-esteem and intimate relationships.

To cope successfully, we need to learn new ways to live with the post-treatment side effects. This doesn't come naturally. It takes time, effort, information gathering, and support. For some issues, medical intervention or surgery is required. For all of us with prostate cancer, our plans should include at least one (and more than one for others) PSA check during the new year.

Every PSA check is a vivid reminder that our cancer could return. Recurrence anxiety is something the majority of cancer survivors experience at one time or another. The good news is there are ways to reduce your recurrence anxiety.

If you've made New Year's resolutions in order to navigate the challenges of living with cancer, they're likely to fail. The goals you set are more likely to succeed. For a successful year, setting specific goals for your set of circumstances, challenges, and opportunities plays an important role.

Following are a few of my goals I successfully carried out in my seven years as a prostate cancer survivor.

Work less

I was able to cut my time at work by two days, giving me four days a week at home. I did spend some of that time working at home.

Travel more

My wife and I purchased an RV. We plan to spend time with and without our grown children camping. Our recent trip to Yellowstone was a highlight event in my life in 2017. I'm planning a cross-country prostate cancer survivor information and book tour after I retire.

Ending my time living with erectile dysfunction

By undergoing penile implant surgery. Ending my four-year journey with erectile dysfunction and getting back what treating prostate cancer took away was not only a highlight of that year, it was a highlight of my life!

Write a book

My book was for men and couples living without a prostate. It was never in my life plan to write a book about life before, during, and after prostate surgery. Yet, I was so frustrated and angry about the lack of information, my wife and I wrote this book. At the time, I thought this was my first and last book.

Write a second book

Four years after a successful double nerve-sparing prostate surgery, I was told I'd be impotent for the rest of my life. I was needlessly devastated. Months later, I read about penile implant surgery. When I called the physician who told me I'd be impotent the rest of my life, I discovered he was a penile implant surgeon! My wife and I now enjoy the best sex of our 37-year marriage. We decided to write a second book to get the word out about living with erectile dysfunction or regaining erectile functioning through surgery.

Write articles

So far, I've written more than 50 for Prostate Cancer News Today!

Take care of my health

In addition to my yearly physical and a PSA test, I'm going for a colonoscopy this month.

Make time with family a priority

Since my prostate cancer diagnosis, I've been blessed with three granddaughters. Three of our children live in California. The fourth lives in Illinois.

My wife and I have flown to Illinois multiple times to visit our son, his wife, and newborn granddaughter. Each year, we look for opportunities to create lasting memories.

Grow in faith

My cancer journey is a faith-based mission, with the goal of reaching thousands of men and couples coping with cancer.

There are hundreds of articles written to help you create successful and doable goals. Here's a link to five golden rules.

As the new year begins, I encourage you to develop specific goals for 2018.

Note: This article appeared in Prostate Cancer News Today 

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

 

Crawling to the Finish Line

Most of my friends, family, and acquaintances, who were diagnosed with different forms of cancer died within a year of their initial diagnosis. That's the reason I thought my diagnosis of prostate cancer was a death sentence.

It wasn't long before I had an inventory of events I wouldn't long enough to see. Here's a few items on that list:
1. Meeting my first grandchild- I've met three!
2. Celebrating my 35th wedding anniversary-I recently celebrated my 38th anniversary.
3. Walking my daughter down the aisle-That's a year or two away.
4. Retirement-A few days away!

Since my prostate was removed I have had carpel tunnel surgery, a rotator cuff repaired, and penile implant surgery, My gallbladder was removed, and my knee was replaced. I've been through physical therapy and three spinal injections to treat disabling back pain.

In my first year of retirement, I'm expecting cataract surgery, neural ablation, and another shoulder surgery. Chronic pain, sleepless nights, limited mobility, and a drastic decrease in my level of energy wasn't in my life plan for retirement.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm extremely grateful I've lived long enough to retire, but it's not what I expected. I imagined hitting the finish line in a track outfit and fancy running shoes. Instead, I'm hobbling to the finish line, sometimes on my hands and knees. I feel I have the energy of someone one hundred years old.

On the second week before my retirement I experienced a six day episode of chronic diarrhea. This meant I was in the bathroom multiple times per hour around the clock. I lost twelve pounds in five days. I felt so weak I didn't want to get off the couch. I was a prisoner in my own home.

I felt terrible for my wife

Two years ago I purchased an RV. I put a cross country RV trip on my bucket list.

I'm exercising, changing my diet  and losing weight. I'm frustrated beyond words when all I want to do is crash on the couch.  

It feels as though my world is getting smaller at a time when I thought it would expand.

Life is like that. Much of what we hoped for, dreamed of, and planned for may never come to pass. I survived prostate cancer, then waves of other illnesses and diseases strike.

Update 1 year later:

Another neural ablation, and another carpel tunnel surgery BUT before those hit my wife and I had an amazing opportunity to take an RV trip to visit family in Illinois.

With the COVID epidemic rampant we can’t fly to see the birth of our grandson, but it looks like I’ll be healthy enough for another RV trip from CA to Illinois. I made it to the finish line!

Links

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.




Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with  erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

Fear-The Untreated Side Effect of Cancer

As I look back on my eight year journey with prostate cancer I realize there's one side effect of cancer that's usually ignored, unspoken, and hardly ever treated. Those diagnosed with cancer are usually left to deal with one of the most common, and life altering symptoms, by themselves, without help, or treatment.

I'm referring to FEAR- An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief  that someone or something is dangerous and likely to cause pain or a life-altering threat.

Fear has an immediate impact on our body, our emotions, our thoughts, our relationships, our ability to sleep, our mood, our decision making process, how we function at work, at home, and everything we do. Fear has a major impact on our ability to take care of ourselves and others. Fear impacts our ability to give and receive affection. Fear impacts our ability to relate to friends and family. Fear impacts our sexuality and sex life. Fear impacts our sense of well-being and health.

The fear generated by a diagnosis of cancer is so powerful that according to an artcle in the
Boston Globe:
"Roughly 1 in 5 cancer patients developed post-traumatic stress disorder within six months of their diagnosis — and a small percentage still experienced trauma-related symptoms six years later, according to new research."

How can you know if you’re among those who are coping with Post-Traumatic Stress?According to an article on cancer.net, here's a list of nine symptoms
are some of the symptoms of PTSD.

• Nightmares and flashbacks
• Avoiding places, events, people, or things that bring back bad memories
• Strong feelings of guilt, hopelessness, or shame
• Trouble sleeping or concentrating
• Continuous feelings of fear or anger
• Loss of interest in activities and relationships that used to be enjoyable
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drug or alcohol abuse
• Frightening or unwanted thoughts
• Difficulty feeling emotions
  
  
  • https://www.cancer.net/survivorship/life-after-cancer/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-cancer
    
    

  https://www.cancer.net/survivorship/life-after-cancer/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-cancer

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

Don't Let Cancer Steal Your Holiday Joy

There's a group of men struggling with advanced prostate cancer who know, for certain, this is their last celebration of the holidays on this side of heaven.

Folks who are healthy don't think this way. They assume they have many more holiday seasons in their future.

The fact is, there is a significantly larger number of healthy folks who won't be alive next year for the holidays than there are men with advanced prostate cancer who won't be around.

Given that reality, my advice is the same whether you have terminal cancer or you don't: Live every holiday celebration as if it were your last.

Ask yourself: If this is my last holiday season, what are the most important things I want to say and do with my life, with my friends, my family and my partner.

As I look back on the 40 years of my professional career, I've been blessed. I've had a run as a medical, psychiatric and adoption social worker. 

I've owned and operated two successful businesses,

 I've written hundreds of articles about prostate cancer, spoken at conferences, written two award-winning books, and I've reached tens of thousands of folks coping with prostate cancer through my online ministries.

On a personal side, I'm blessed that I celebrated my 40th wedding anniversary this year. Together, we raised four amazing kids. 

We are blessed to be the grandparents of six.

I'm a twelve year prostate cancer survivor. My cup runneth over with blessings.

Even so, like everyone else, I carry within me my own family history of regrets, hurts, dysfunction, broken relationships, disappointments and loss.

These hurts and loss can tip the scale in such a way that, as the holidays approach, you're filled with sadness, grief and physical or psychological pain.

Folks who are chronically or terminally ill, grieving or depressed may feel a heightened sense of isolation and loneliness the entire holiday season.

Widows, widowers, kids who've lost their parents through death or divorce, parents who've lost their children, caretakers and the terminally ill are all vulnerable to experience a heightened sense of sadness or grief during this season.

There are literally thousands of articles written for those coping with cancer during the holidays.

 For those who are grieving, or those physically, emotionally, psychologically, relationally, or spiritually suffering, the holidays are filled with much sorrow.

 Don’t deny the pain, but find meaningful ways to take breaks and/or make room for ways to meaningfully connect with others. 

 You don't need health or wealth to give your family gifts of love.

In Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages, he identifies five ways people prefer to receive love. Of the five languages, four do not require spending money. The five are:

• Gifts.
• Quality time.
• Words of affirmation.
• Acts of service.
• Physical touch.

What if I told you I just received a gift that cost my son nothing to send, but it was so valuable to me that I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars? Are you curious about the gift?

My son gave me his permission to share his gift to me, with you. He sent this text message:

"Hey, Dad. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and your decision to follow Christ after all you went through as a young man.

I’m sorry for everything you went through with your family, but am deeply grateful towards God for calling you to be His servant. 

Your decision has shaped my entire life and my future, and my family’s future, so thank you for listening to Jesus’ call when Ryan (my oldest son) was born. 

I love you and am glad you are my dad."

I was wiping away my tears before I finished his text. My son gave me this gift in one of my primary love languages, which is "words of affirmation." I will cherish his gift all of my days.

I consider living out my faith in such a way that it was passed on to all four of my children as the greatest achievement and blessing of my life.

Re-read the five love languages. If you know someone's primary love language, give a gift that speaks to his or her  preferred language of love.

If your health or financial situation makes giving difficult, this holiday season, you can offer oral or written affirmation (it can be dictated, if you're unable to write) of your love, affection or appreciation to your friends, family, co-workers and neighbors.

If you doubt the value of that gift, remember, I wouldn't trade my gift for a million dollars.

Give and receive love and joy this holiday season. Anything else you give is icing on the cake.

May you, your family and loved ones have a blessed Christmas, Hanukkah and Happy New Year.

Note: An earlier version of  this article appeared in Prostate Cancer News Today 

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

Healing Frequently Involves Pain

These are thoughts I’ve had since I came home from carpel tunnel surgery this morning. 

I’m sharing it here because life without a Prostate involves coping with physical, emotional, relational, and sexual struggles/pain. 

I’m thinking of a wife who wrote me about her husband whose Prostate removal cured his cancer. Unfortunately for him, surgery left him impotent.

He began drinking heavily. He withdrew from his marriage, and refused to get help.

Eventually, he killed himself. Cured of cancer, he died by this own hand, because he believed impotence took away his value as a man, and partner.

His suicide left life long scars upon his widow and family.  

Here’s my thoughts:

I’m been experiencing and thinking about pain since I came home from surgery this morning.

There’s harmful pain that comes as result of injury, illness, diseases, or accidents. 

Then there’s restorative pain like I’m feeling now. It is necessary for me to experience this high degree of post-surgical pain to bring about healing.

What’s true in the in the physical realm is also true in the emotional realm.

If we deny, or ignore, our emotional pain put it in tuppperware, thinking it’s safely stored away; it ISN’T. The Tupperware leaks, sometimes rapidly, sometimes it leaks over the course of days, weeks, months, years, or decades.

The familiar expression that time heals all wounds is 100% false. The passage of time, by itself has no healing properties. Something must occur over the course of time in order to heal

Here are some similarities between physical and emotional wounds, and healing:

•The most serious wounds take  the longest to heal.

•Some wounds are so difficult or deep to treat it requires a professional to aid in the healing process process.

•What prevents people from seeking the help they need is the fear of the pain that must be felt/experienced in the healing process.

•Allowing the injury to fester will cause it to get worse over the course of time and be more difficult to cope with.

•Untreated pain can ruin your family, your marriage, your children, your career, your faith, and your testimony. A series of self destructive choices may cost you your life.

We are given the freedom of choice to either flee from our pain, or face/embrace our pain in order to heal.

Based on my previous carpel tunnel surgery I was  unpleasantly surprised with the intensity of the pain post surgery I’ve felt all day.

The pain is so high, I can’t hold or pick up my IPhone with my left hand. Which means there’s a lot of things I’m unable to do for myself or help during Thanksgiving. In fact I might need a lot of help. I’m not sure all be able to dress myself.

I’ve put my wife through this so many times it only took me a few hours before I began to think maybe I belong in the husband junkyard, so my wife could trade me in for a healthier model.

That’s the risk you face choosing to heal. You can’t predict the type of issues, severity, or the duration of the pain necessary in order to heal.

Personally, I think the pain and suffering is worth it, when it leads to physical and/or  emotional healing. 

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are:  

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

Changing Relationships

 My relationship with my wrist brace is complicated. When I went to my Doctor complaining of wrist pain, he ordered me this custom fitted wrist brace. At the time, I was grateful and eagerly wore it. Within a month my pain was gone!

I put my wrist brace on a shelf as if it were a trophy. 

When the pain returned six months ago, I had serious doubts as whether the pain would vanish a second time. My doubt turned into the certainty about surgery, when my level of pain remained the same whether I wore the brace or I didn’t.

At that point I became resentful of the brace, and wore it as little as possible; only during bouts of intense pain.

As we were RVing certain tasks became impossible for me to do. Things like connecting or disconnecting the water hose. Fortunately I had a plier, which I used to tighten and loosen hose connections. At that point I became resentful. 

It didn’t matter whether I wore the brace or not, I was unable to tighten or loosen the hose. I actually spoke to my brace, and called it USELESS. If I wasn’t a hoarder, and my wife wasn’t a nurse, I would have tossed it out. I considered it to be a worthless piece of trash.

At home, I discovered playing fetch with my pups, that throwing a ball was way too painful. I tried wearing my wrist brace. Low and behold playing fetch became a pain free event.

Two things occurred to me with that success. One involved hoarding. 

•I decided it makes perfect sense NEVER to throw anything out if there is even a remote chance you’ll use it again.

•I learned that something I considered useless can become highly valued. So much so, I now wear my brace most of the day, and all through the night.

Once I knew I had a date for surgery, my relationship with my brace took a nose dive. I happily started a countdown for my wrist brace departure date. I couldn’t wait to rid myself of my brace. I found myself considering the possibility of a wrist brace goodbye party, where the guest of honor (the brace) would end up in a garbage pail.

Then my surgery was postponed for a week. During that week, Governor Newsom put Stanislaus County on lockdown. I’m uncertain whether elective surgeries are allowed or whether they’ve been canceled. I’m going to call the Surgery Center on Monday to find out. I could have called on Friday, but I wanted to remain hopeful throughout the weekend. 

Monday I’ll deal with reality. Why Monday? “Because rainy days and Mondays always get me down.” ~The Carpenters~

And

“Monday, Monday, can't trust that day Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way.” ~The Mamas & the Papas~So there’s no better day than Monday to get bad news.

In the meantime, I’ve decided once again, the wrist brace and I are constant companions, both day and night. Never, ever, will I entertain the notion of throwing it out. It’s too valuable, and who knows, I might need it again. From trophy to worthless piece of trash, back to treasure, then treasure to trash, and back again to treasure.

As I said, my relationship with my wrist brace has been long term, (six months) and complicated.

Writing about my relationship with my wrist brace provided me with an epiphany. I realized my complicated relationship with my brace has many similarities to relationships with people, especially when it comes to coping with cancer.

Coping with cancer is a life changing event, that most healthy friends and family won’t ever understand. Sometimes it’s tempting in moments of disappointment, frustration, anger, or upon hearing a thoughtless remark, to rid yourself of long term friendships, with family and friends.

My one piece of advice is simple.

DON’T DO IT.

Take a break if need be, change your level of sharing or expectations, but do not toss folks out of your life over a single disappointment, or unmet need, or expectation. That’s true in every relationship, whether cancer is involved or not.

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are:  

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants