Staying Together in Sickness and in Health

On June 7, my wife and I celebrated our 37th anniversary. For six of those years, we've been coping with the quality of life issues associated with my prostatectomy. For many years, these issues had a negative impact on my self-esteem and our marriage. In order to preserve our marriage, we sought professional counseling.

Every year since my prostate surgery, it seems I've had a new health crisis or surgery. Here's a few of those medical challenges.

I suffered lots of wrist pain for a long time. Finally, I went in for an exam. Turns out I needed surgery for carpel tunnel syndrome.

Sometime after that surgery, I tripped over my dog, fell, and injured my shoulder. I was in constant pain and unable to sleep well. It took almost a year to get a diagnosis and finally have a rotator cuff repair. After surgery, I spent almost two months in a sling, then three months in physical therapy.

Each year, a new health crisis has a negative impact on the quality of my life and the ability to enjoy time with my wife. For these reasons, I wrote my wife the following on her anniversary card:

"Today we celebrate our 37th anniversary. I'm not sure whether our best days are behind us or whether our best days are yet to come. Either way, I'm blessed to journey through life with you." 

Shortly after I wrote that note, I received the unexpected news I need surgery to have my gall bladder removed. My wife and I stopped counting the number of surgeries I've had after I reached my tenth surgery.

All of these storms, unwanted changes, sleepless nights, months of chronic pain, multiple surgeries, physical therapy, and illness have taken a huge toll on me, my capacity to function, my ability to enjoy life, my energy level, and my capacity to love my wife.

I have no idea whether we will get a break from health challenges or whether this is the new normal for me and for us as a couple.

If this is our new reality, I believe the best is behind us, rather than yet to come. This is certainly not how I hoped to spend my "golden years." There's one thing that has been a blessing through all of these trials.

Thirty-seven years ago, my wife and I made a vow to each other before our friends, family, and God. We promised to stay together in "sickness and in health." In our youth, and in good health, we had no idea how difficult and challenging keeping that vow would be!

For many years after my prostate surgery, I was convinced  my wife would be better off without me, rather than with me. I'm blessed beyond measure to be married to a woman who is committed to keeping her wedding vows.

Did you know that how you treat your partner as they recover from an illness or surgery can affect how quickly they heal. A recent study found that patients whose partners displayed empathetic behaviors like emotional support, affection, and attention showed improved physical function over time.

There's a reason your marriage vows included the promise to stay together in sickness and in health. We need each other, and we are more likely to successfully navigate through the storms of life as a team.

This Bible verse comes to mind:                           Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up….                                                    ~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10~

I pray those couples tempted to break that promise will reconsider and get help in order to preserve your marriage and keep the marriage vows you made to one another.

It's my prayer that couples facing the challenges of coping with the unwanted changes brought about by cancer and/or the quality of life issues couples face after treatment, will enable you to grow closer together, rather than further apart.

If your partner made a difference (positive or negative) in the way you coped with cancer, I hope you'll share your story so other couples can learn from your experiences. 

Note: This article appeared in Prostate Cancer News Today 

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.