Don't Let Cancer Steal Your Holiday Joy

There's a group of men struggling with advanced prostate cancer who know, for certain, this is their last celebration of the holidays on this side of heaven.

Folks who are healthy don't think this way. They assume they have many more holiday seasons in their future.

The fact is, there is a significantly larger number of healthy folks who won't be alive next year for the holidays than there are men with advanced prostate cancer who won't be around.

Given that reality, my advice is the same whether you have terminal cancer or you don't: Live every holiday celebration as if it were your last.

Ask yourself: If this is my last holiday season, what are the most important things I want to say and do with my life, with my friends, my family and my partner.

As I look back on the 40 years of my professional career, I've been blessed. I've had a run as a medical, psychiatric and adoption social worker. 

I've owned and operated two successful businesses,

 I've written hundreds of articles about prostate cancer, spoken at conferences, written two award-winning books, and I've reached tens of thousands of folks coping with prostate cancer through my online ministries.

On a personal side, I'm blessed that I celebrated my 40th wedding anniversary this year. Together, we raised four amazing kids. 

We are blessed to be the grandparents of six.

I'm a twelve year prostate cancer survivor. My cup runneth over with blessings.

Even so, like everyone else, I carry within me my own family history of regrets, hurts, dysfunction, broken relationships, disappointments and loss.

These hurts and loss can tip the scale in such a way that, as the holidays approach, you're filled with sadness, grief and physical or psychological pain.

Folks who are chronically or terminally ill, grieving or depressed may feel a heightened sense of isolation and loneliness the entire holiday season.

Widows, widowers, kids who've lost their parents through death or divorce, parents who've lost their children, caretakers and the terminally ill are all vulnerable to experience a heightened sense of sadness or grief during this season.

There are literally thousands of articles written for those coping with cancer during the holidays.

 For those who are grieving, or those physically, emotionally, psychologically, relationally, or spiritually suffering, the holidays are filled with much sorrow.

 Don’t deny the pain, but find meaningful ways to take breaks and/or make room for ways to meaningfully connect with others. 

 You don't need health or wealth to give your family gifts of love.

In Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages, he identifies five ways people prefer to receive love. Of the five languages, four do not require spending money. The five are:

• Gifts.
• Quality time.
• Words of affirmation.
• Acts of service.
• Physical touch.

What if I told you I just received a gift that cost my son nothing to send, but it was so valuable to me that I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars? Are you curious about the gift?

My son gave me his permission to share his gift to me, with you. He sent this text message:

"Hey, Dad. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and your decision to follow Christ after all you went through as a young man.

I’m sorry for everything you went through with your family, but am deeply grateful towards God for calling you to be His servant. 

Your decision has shaped my entire life and my future, and my family’s future, so thank you for listening to Jesus’ call when Ryan (my oldest son) was born. 

I love you and am glad you are my dad."

I was wiping away my tears before I finished his text. My son gave me this gift in one of my primary love languages, which is "words of affirmation." I will cherish his gift all of my days.

I consider living out my faith in such a way that it was passed on to all four of my children as the greatest achievement and blessing of my life.

Re-read the five love languages. If you know someone's primary love language, give a gift that speaks to his or her  preferred language of love.

If your health or financial situation makes giving difficult, this holiday season, you can offer oral or written affirmation (it can be dictated, if you're unable to write) of your love, affection or appreciation to your friends, family, co-workers and neighbors.

If you doubt the value of that gift, remember, I wouldn't trade my gift for a million dollars.

Give and receive love and joy this holiday season. Anything else you give is icing on the cake.

May you, your family and loved ones have a blessed Christmas, Hanukkah and Happy New Year.

Note: An earlier version of  this article appeared in Prostate Cancer News Today 

Rick Redner and his wife Brenda Redner wrote two award winning books. The first:

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where's Yours?

provides men and couples with information and support before, during and after prostate surgery.

Their second book was written for couples living with!erectile dysfunction. After living with erectile dysfunction for four years, Rick chose penile implant surgery. The couple share how implant surgery changed their lives and relationship.

The title of their book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants.

Healing Frequently Involves Pain

These are thoughts I’ve had since I came home from carpel tunnel surgery this morning. 

I’m sharing it here because life without a Prostate involves coping with physical, emotional, relational, and sexual struggles/pain. 

I’m thinking of a wife who wrote me about her husband whose Prostate removal cured his cancer. Unfortunately for him, surgery left him impotent.

He began drinking heavily. He withdrew from his marriage, and refused to get help.

Eventually, he killed himself. Cured of cancer, he died by this own hand, because he believed impotence took away his value as a man, and partner.

His suicide left life long scars upon his widow and family.  

Here’s my thoughts:

I’m been experiencing and thinking about pain since I came home from surgery this morning.

There’s harmful pain that comes as result of injury, illness, diseases, or accidents. 

Then there’s restorative pain like I’m feeling now. It is necessary for me to experience this high degree of post-surgical pain to bring about healing.

What’s true in the in the physical realm is also true in the emotional realm.

If we deny, or ignore, our emotional pain put it in tuppperware, thinking it’s safely stored away; it ISN’T. The Tupperware leaks, sometimes rapidly, sometimes it leaks over the course of days, weeks, months, years, or decades.

The familiar expression that time heals all wounds is 100% false. The passage of time, by itself has no healing properties. Something must occur over the course of time in order to heal

Here are some similarities between physical and emotional wounds, and healing:

•The most serious wounds take  the longest to heal.

•Some wounds are so difficult or deep to treat it requires a professional to aid in the healing process process.

•What prevents people from seeking the help they need is the fear of the pain that must be felt/experienced in the healing process.

•Allowing the injury to fester will cause it to get worse over the course of time and be more difficult to cope with.

•Untreated pain can ruin your family, your marriage, your children, your career, your faith, and your testimony. A series of self destructive choices may cost you your life.

We are given the freedom of choice to either flee from our pain, or face/embrace our pain in order to heal.

Based on my previous carpel tunnel surgery I was  unpleasantly surprised with the intensity of the pain post surgery I’ve felt all day.

The pain is so high, I can’t hold or pick up my IPhone with my left hand. Which means there’s a lot of things I’m unable to do for myself or help during Thanksgiving. In fact I might need a lot of help. I’m not sure all be able to dress myself.

I’ve put my wife through this so many times it only took me a few hours before I began to think maybe I belong in the husband junkyard, so my wife could trade me in for a healthier model.

That’s the risk you face choosing to heal. You can’t predict the type of issues, severity, or the duration of the pain necessary in order to heal.

Personally, I think the pain and suffering is worth it, when it leads to physical and/or  emotional healing. 

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are:  

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

Changing Relationships

 My relationship with my wrist brace is complicated. When I went to my Doctor complaining of wrist pain, he ordered me this custom fitted wrist brace. At the time, I was grateful and eagerly wore it. Within a month my pain was gone!

I put my wrist brace on a shelf as if it were a trophy. 

When the pain returned six months ago, I had serious doubts as whether the pain would vanish a second time. My doubt turned into the certainty about surgery, when my level of pain remained the same whether I wore the brace or I didn’t.

At that point I became resentful of the brace, and wore it as little as possible; only during bouts of intense pain.

As we were RVing certain tasks became impossible for me to do. Things like connecting or disconnecting the water hose. Fortunately I had a plier, which I used to tighten and loosen hose connections. At that point I became resentful. 

It didn’t matter whether I wore the brace or not, I was unable to tighten or loosen the hose. I actually spoke to my brace, and called it USELESS. If I wasn’t a hoarder, and my wife wasn’t a nurse, I would have tossed it out. I considered it to be a worthless piece of trash.

At home, I discovered playing fetch with my pups, that throwing a ball was way too painful. I tried wearing my wrist brace. Low and behold playing fetch became a pain free event.

Two things occurred to me with that success. One involved hoarding. 

•I decided it makes perfect sense NEVER to throw anything out if there is even a remote chance you’ll use it again.

•I learned that something I considered useless can become highly valued. So much so, I now wear my brace most of the day, and all through the night.

Once I knew I had a date for surgery, my relationship with my brace took a nose dive. I happily started a countdown for my wrist brace departure date. I couldn’t wait to rid myself of my brace. I found myself considering the possibility of a wrist brace goodbye party, where the guest of honor (the brace) would end up in a garbage pail.

Then my surgery was postponed for a week. During that week, Governor Newsom put Stanislaus County on lockdown. I’m uncertain whether elective surgeries are allowed or whether they’ve been canceled. I’m going to call the Surgery Center on Monday to find out. I could have called on Friday, but I wanted to remain hopeful throughout the weekend. 

Monday I’ll deal with reality. Why Monday? “Because rainy days and Mondays always get me down.” ~The Carpenters~

And

“Monday, Monday, can't trust that day Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way.” ~The Mamas & the Papas~So there’s no better day than Monday to get bad news.

In the meantime, I’ve decided once again, the wrist brace and I are constant companions, both day and night. Never, ever, will I entertain the notion of throwing it out. It’s too valuable, and who knows, I might need it again. From trophy to worthless piece of trash, back to treasure, then treasure to trash, and back again to treasure.

As I said, my relationship with my wrist brace has been long term, (six months) and complicated.

Writing about my relationship with my wrist brace provided me with an epiphany. I realized my complicated relationship with my brace has many similarities to relationships with people, especially when it comes to coping with cancer.

Coping with cancer is a life changing event, that most healthy friends and family won’t ever understand. Sometimes it’s tempting in moments of disappointment, frustration, anger, or upon hearing a thoughtless remark, to rid yourself of long term friendships, with family and friends.

My one piece of advice is simple.

DON’T DO IT.

Take a break if need be, change your level of sharing or expectations, but do not toss folks out of your life over a single disappointment, or unmet need, or expectation. That’s true in every relationship, whether cancer is involved or not.

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are:  

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

Faith-What it Can & Cannot Do

Today I felt an (unwanted) call to share my medical history on different Facebook pages to emphasize different aspects of my faith.

There are things that faith can do in the face of illness, and things that faith cannot do.

It’s important to know this. 

For example faith doesn’t take away chronic pain, emotional pain, relational struggles, or protect you from the devastating effects of sleep deprivation.

I’ll never forget a day after months of severe sleep deprivation I had no strength to get of my bed. When Brenda saw me making a feeble attempt to leave the bed she asked: What do you think you are doing?

Me: I’m getting ready to go to work.

Brenda: No you’re not. You are staying in bed!

Me: I’m going to work because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Brenda: That’s not what the verse means. Now stay in bed.

(And I did, even though, at that time, I seriously believed that verse would turn me into Superman) Except, it didn’t!

Coping with chronic  illnesses, quality of life issues and caretaking takes its toll, on individuals, on a couple, on their relationship, and the family.

All the faith in the world won’t keep a marriage together if one or both partners become, overwhelmed, isolated, depressed, angry, and self destructive and/or relationally destructive.

Drugs and/or alcohol abuse can also devastate the lives and relationships of folks with great faith. 

We’ve discovered another issue that makes it difficult to cope. Faith does NOT immunize you from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

We know something about this, because we’ve lived that reality.

We are now hard wired, and susceptible to repeated episodes of PTSD, when faced with trigger events.The simple surgery I’m having in November has triggered PTSD in both of us. 

The duration, and intensity, may vary, but PTST is real, and impactful. Our faith isn’t a magic wand that makes this go away

Our marriage would not have survived my medical history if we hadn’t sought outside marital counseling.

The list I’m about to share has impacted my life for decades upon decades, and it isn’t even complete.

From a standpoint of faith, one might wonder if God is so good, how/why does He allow such suffering. 

Many folks get stuck and turn their backs on God as a result of personal suffering or witnessing the suffering of others.

For me, every illness injury, disease, and surgery, is a reminder this body is only a TEMPORARY home.

Some day, sooner than later, I’ll occupy another body which is not subject to illness, injury or disease, in a place where:

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

~ Revelation 21:4~

Every piece of my medical history makes me long for that day, and I suspect will increase my sense of gratitude for being there. 

Two more observations:

•Growing old isn’t for sissies.

•Never take a healthy, pain free day for granted.

So here are some of my surgeries:

•Appendectomy 

•Prostatectomy 

•Cholecystectomy 

•Right hernia

•Left hernia

•Right Rotator Cuff

•Right Carpel Tunnel 

•Left Carpel Tunnel (In Nov)

•Right Toe Joint Replacement

•Right and left eye cataract surgery 

•Penile Implant

•Nissen fundoplication

•Multiple neural ablations

Then there are diseases which impacted me for days, weeks, months, or years, and can re-emerge at any time.

•Interstitial cystitis

•Benign positional vertigo

•Plantar fasciitis

•Bile acid malabsorption

•Prostate Cancer

•Sleep apnea

It’s simply amazing to me that as I write this, I’m on my exercise bike, doing my ten mile a day routine, and I’m able to enjoy my life, basking in God’s gracious hand.

Today my wife and I are planning a picnic in Knights Ferry, hoping to see the salmon swimming up stream.

God is good! 

Life Is Like A Box of Biscuits

The Life Lessons I’ve learned from four boxes of Dog biscuits.

Lesson #1

Know what the heck you’re ordering on the internet. I thought I was ordering one box of biscuits. Apparently I ordered four!

As I opened the first box of biscuits, I  was astounded by the number of biscuits in each box.

Multiply that by the fact I break most biscuits, not all, into a minimum of four pieces I thought each box would last a few years.

For weeks on end I’d take out a handful biscuits, and it seemed it never made a dent in how many biscuits I had left in the box.

Three months later, I was shocked to discover I was down to my last biscuit! 

The idea I had enough biscuits to last a decade quickly gave way to reality.

Forest Gump said:

 “My momma always said that life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”

Today I decided :

My life was like a box of biscuits. 

In the beginning, (in my youth) it seemed like I had an endless supply of biscuits (days left to live.)

Now, not so many.

For the last two decades of my life, I’ve probably had over a dozen medical issues that could have killed me or rendered me permanently disabled. I’ve had more than seventeen surgeries.

If you met me on the street you’d never know, or see any residual effects of every illness, disease, and surgery, that our Lord has brought me though.

Lesson #2

Obviously, this can’t go on forever.  I have a designated time to meet my Maker, and the time for that meeting gets closer every day.

I may not be down to the last biscuit in the box, but it surely feels I’m getting close.

It’s a profound mistake to live your life thinking you have an endless supply of days, (biscuits in your box)

The Bible says:

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

~ Psalm 90:12~

In other words, no matter your age, there’s a certain amount of wisdom you’ll miss, if you don’t live your life with the realization your box of biscuits (days) is not endless.

This last biscuit in the box brought that reality home to me in a powerful way.

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are: 

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

https://amzn.to/2TLTiRQ

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

http://bit.ly/34DL14W

Rick & Brenda share their experiences coping with four devastating years of erectile dysfunction which led to a loss of self-esteem, and marital conflict.

Additionally, we share why we chose to seek professional help to save our marriage. Last but not least we provided a detailed account of how and why we went the penile implant route, and how that changed everything. This is a life changing book. 

Don’t take my word for it, read the Amazon reviews.

The title of their second book is:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants

Surgeries-Can’t Can’t Live With Them, Can’t Live Without Them

Ever since I’ve had my prostate removed, I’ve dreaded going to hospitals for any surgeries or out-patient procedure. This reaction did not occur with surgeries before I had my prostatectomy.

Now a disproportionate amount of fear occurs with every surgery and out-patient procedure I’ve had. I know I’m not alone. I’ve heard many men say this exact quote after prostate surgery. The quote is:
“I won’t go within a mile of a Surgeon for the rest of my life.”

Why do men say that? My explanation isn’t based on a scientific study. It’s  based on my own experiences and those that were shared with me.

Most men who wish to avoid another surgery at all costs, are men who experienced one or all of these side effects that probably were not explained prior to surgery.

• Lost Urinary Control-Approximately 6-8 percent of men who have had surgery to remove their prostate will develop urinary incontinence.

•Loss of ejaculation-I had no idea surgery would take away my ability to ejaculate. In one study, it was found that: “only half of the patients realized surgery would take away their ability to ejaculation.

•Climacturia- Ten years after my surgery I still continue to leak urine after an orgasm. A mattresses protector and towels are necessary. “ Climacturia is a common clinical entity, occurring in almost half of all patients after radical prostatectomy. It can be a significant problem with respect to urine volume loss, associated bother and condom use. Patients must be informed about this complication before undergoing radical prostatectomy..”

•Loss of penile size-Most men will have some penis length loss after surgery and sometimes that will be permanent, said Dr. John Mulhall, who is director of the Male Sexual and Reproductive Medicine Program at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York.

I felt betrayed. I believe any man who was not told about these possibilities feels betrayed.  After a betrayal we develop strategies to ensure this will not happen again. Often the fallout from our betrayal is a generalized distrust of ALL surgeons.

After betrayal and need to protect oneself, tragedy often follows.

I’ve known men who chose to live with severe urinary incontinence, preferring to live in diapers the rest of their lives rather than seek a surgical solution to end their loss of urinary control.

Far too many men live with life long impotence rather than consider a penile implant. 

They cannot imagine a Surgeon who’d be honest, and help them when it was a Surgeon who caused the misery they are cutting living with.

I know my answer isn’t for everyone and I know some folks will get offended. So before sharing that piece of my solution let me speak to you as a man who was betrayed. I suffered it all; the loss of urinary control and ejaculation, loss of penile size, erectile dysfunction, and leaking urine during orgasm.

I did NOT  let my fears control my medical decisions. I wanted to reclaim what robotic double nerve sparing surgery took away. I wanted to resume making love to my wife, so I went for a penile implant. The surgery changed my self-esteem, my relationship with my wife, and gave us the ability to regain the sex life we both wanted to re-experience.

Now comes the part where I share how my faith helped and continues to help me cope with my ongoing fears about surgeries. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. When I bring this picture to mind as I face a surgery or surgical procedure my fears are calmed.

Therefore I’ll let this picture speak for itself:

Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are: 

I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?

And

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants

End the Misery of Erectile Dysfunction

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer when I was fify-eight. Both prior to my double nerve sparing surgery, my surgeon was confident my erectile abilities would return. I entered in to an aggressive penile rehab program. I had varying doses of ED medications. I used the vacuum pump. 

Eventually, I tried penile injections. Four years post surgery, nothing worked. I was told I'd be impotent for the rest of my life.

Here’s what I wrote on the back cover of my book about erectile dysfunction:

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a thief. ED takes away physical and emotional intimacy. ED steals your confidence in the bedroom. ED robs you of your manhood. 

ED walks off with your self-esteem. ED has the potential to destroy lives, and end relationships. Here’s a surprising fact, the sudden onset of ED can save your life. 

Frequently, ED is early warning signal of current or future cardiovascular problems. 

In Everything You Never Wanted to Know about Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants: End Your Silence, Sadness, Suffering, and Shame, was written to help men and couples recognize and overcome the roadblocks to seeking help with ED.

My wife and I guide men and couples through the depression, grief and the inevitable relational conflicts when coping with ED. 

We set couples on a path to discover healthy ways to think about, talk about, or cure ED. We speak from our personal experiences living with ED for four years.

We also share how penile implant surgery restored what prostate surgery took away. Here’s the link to our book:

Everything You Never Wanted to Know About ED