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These are thoughts I’ve had since I came home from carpel tunnel surgery this morning.
I’m sharing it here because life without a Prostate involves coping with physical, emotional, relational, and sexual struggles/pain.
I’m thinking of a wife who wrote me about her husband whose Prostate removal cured his cancer. Unfortunately for him, surgery left him impotent.
He began drinking heavily. He withdrew from his marriage, and refused to get help.
Eventually, he killed himself. Cured of cancer, he died by this own hand, because he believed impotence took away his value as a man, and partner.
His suicide left life long scars upon his widow and family.
Here’s my thoughts:
I’m been experiencing and thinking about pain since I came home from surgery this morning.
There’s harmful pain that comes as result of injury, illness, diseases, or accidents.
Then there’s restorative pain like I’m feeling now. It is necessary for me to experience this high degree of post-surgical pain to bring about healing.
What’s true in the in the physical realm is also true in the emotional realm.
If we deny, or ignore, our emotional pain put it in tuppperware, thinking it’s safely stored away; it ISN’T. The Tupperware leaks, sometimes rapidly, sometimes it leaks over the course of days, weeks, months, years, or decades.
The familiar expression that time heals all wounds is 100% false. The passage of time, by itself has no healing properties. Something must occur over the course of time in order to heal
Here are some similarities between physical and emotional wounds, and healing:
•The most serious wounds take the longest to heal.
•Some wounds are so difficult or deep to treat it requires a professional to aid in the healing process process.
•What prevents people from seeking the help they need is the fear of the pain that must be felt/experienced in the healing process.
•Allowing the injury to fester will cause it to get worse over the course of time and be more difficult to cope with.
•Untreated pain can ruin your family, your marriage, your children, your career, your faith, and your testimony. A series of self destructive choices may cost you your life.
We are given the freedom of choice to either flee from our pain, or face/embrace our pain in order to heal.
Based on my previous carpel tunnel surgery I was unpleasantly surprised with the intensity of the pain post surgery I’ve felt all day.
The pain is so high, I can’t hold or pick up my IPhone with my left hand. Which means there’s a lot of things I’m unable to do for myself or help during Thanksgiving. In fact I might need a lot of help. I’m not sure all be able to dress myself.
I’ve put my wife through this so many times it only took me a few hours before I began to think maybe I belong in the husband junkyard, so my wife could trade me in for a healthier model.
That’s the risk you face choosing to heal. You can’t predict the type of issues, severity, or the duration of the pain necessary in order to heal.
Personally, I think the pain and suffering is worth it, when it leads to physical and/or emotional healing.
Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants
My relationship with my wrist brace is complicated. When I went to my Doctor complaining of wrist pain, he ordered me this custom fitted wrist brace. At the time, I was grateful and eagerly wore it. Within a month my pain was gone!
I put my wrist brace on a shelf as if it were a trophy.
When the pain returned six months ago, I had serious doubts as whether the pain would vanish a second time. My doubt turned into the certainty about surgery, when my level of pain remained the same whether I wore the brace or I didn’t.
At that point I became resentful of the brace, and wore it as little as possible; only during bouts of intense pain.
As we were RVing certain tasks became impossible for me to do. Things like connecting or disconnecting the water hose. Fortunately I had a plier, which I used to tighten and loosen hose connections. At that point I became resentful.
It didn’t matter whether I wore the brace or not, I was unable to tighten or loosen the hose. I actually spoke to my brace, and called it USELESS. If I wasn’t a hoarder, and my wife wasn’t a nurse, I would have tossed it out. I considered it to be a worthless piece of trash.
At home, I discovered playing fetch with my pups, that throwing a ball was way too painful. I tried wearing my wrist brace. Low and behold playing fetch became a pain free event.
Two things occurred to me with that success. One involved hoarding.
•I decided it makes perfect sense NEVER to throw anything out if there is even a remote chance you’ll use it again.
•I learned that something I considered useless can become highly valued. So much so, I now wear my brace most of the day, and all through the night.
Once I knew I had a date for surgery, my relationship with my brace took a nose dive. I happily started a countdown for my wrist brace departure date. I couldn’t wait to rid myself of my brace. I found myself considering the possibility of a wrist brace goodbye party, where the guest of honor (the brace) would end up in a garbage pail.
Then my surgery was postponed for a week. During that week, Governor Newsom put Stanislaus County on lockdown. I’m uncertain whether elective surgeries are allowed or whether they’ve been canceled. I’m going to call the Surgery Center on Monday to find out. I could have called on Friday, but I wanted to remain hopeful throughout the weekend.
Monday I’ll deal with reality. Why Monday? “Because rainy days and Mondays always get me down.” ~The Carpenters~
And
“Monday, Monday, can't trust that day Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way.” ~The Mamas & the Papas~So there’s no better day than Monday to get bad news.
In the meantime, I’ve decided once again, the wrist brace and I are constant companions, both day and night. Never, ever, will I entertain the notion of throwing it out. It’s too valuable, and who knows, I might need it again. From trophy to worthless piece of trash, back to treasure, then treasure to trash, and back again to treasure.
As I said, my relationship with my wrist brace has been long term, (six months) and complicated.
Writing about my relationship with my wrist brace provided me with an epiphany. I realized my complicated relationship with my brace has many similarities to relationships with people, especially when it comes to coping with cancer.
Coping with cancer is a life changing event, that most healthy friends and family won’t ever understand. Sometimes it’s tempting in moments of disappointment, frustration, anger, or upon hearing a thoughtless remark, to rid yourself of long term friendships, with family and friends.
My one piece of advice is simple.
DON’T DO IT.
Take a break if need be, change your level of sharing or expectations, but do not toss folks out of your life over a single disappointment, or unmet need, or expectation. That’s true in every relationship, whether cancer is involved or not.
Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction & Penile Implants
Today I felt an (unwanted) call to share my medical history on different Facebook pages to emphasize different aspects of my faith.
There are things that faith can do in the face of illness, and things that faith cannot do.
It’s important to know this.
For example faith doesn’t take away chronic pain, emotional pain, relational struggles, or protect you from the devastating effects of sleep deprivation.
I’ll never forget a day after months of severe sleep deprivation I had no strength to get of my bed. When Brenda saw me making a feeble attempt to leave the bed she asked: What do you think you are doing?
Me: I’m getting ready to go to work.
Brenda: No you’re not. You are staying in bed!
Me: I’m going to work because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Brenda: That’s not what the verse means. Now stay in bed.
(And I did, even though, at that time, I seriously believed that verse would turn me into Superman) Except, it didn’t!
Coping with chronic illnesses, quality of life issues and caretaking takes its toll, on individuals, on a couple, on their relationship, and the family.
All the faith in the world won’t keep a marriage together if one or both partners become, overwhelmed, isolated, depressed, angry, and self destructive and/or relationally destructive.
Drugs and/or alcohol abuse can also devastate the lives and relationships of folks with great faith.
We’ve discovered another issue that makes it difficult to cope. Faith does NOT immunize you from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
We know something about this, because we’ve lived that reality.
We are now hard wired, and susceptible to repeated episodes of PTSD, when faced with trigger events.The simple surgery I’m having in November has triggered PTSD in both of us.
The duration, and intensity, may vary, but PTST is real, and impactful. Our faith isn’t a magic wand that makes this go away
Our marriage would not have survived my medical history if we hadn’t sought outside marital counseling.
The list I’m about to share has impacted my life for decades upon decades, and it isn’t even complete.
From a standpoint of faith, one might wonder if God is so good, how/why does He allow such suffering.
Many folks get stuck and turn their backs on God as a result of personal suffering or witnessing the suffering of others.
For me, every illness injury, disease, and surgery, is a reminder this body is only a TEMPORARY home.
Some day, sooner than later, I’ll occupy another body which is not subject to illness, injury or disease, in a place where:
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
~ Revelation 21:4~
Every piece of my medical history makes me long for that day, and I suspect will increase my sense of gratitude for being there.
Two more observations:
•Growing old isn’t for sissies.
•Never take a healthy, pain free day for granted.
So here are some of my surgeries:
•Appendectomy
•Prostatectomy
•Cholecystectomy
•Right hernia
•Left hernia
•Right Rotator Cuff
•Right Carpel Tunnel
•Left Carpel Tunnel (In Nov)
•Right Toe Joint Replacement
•Right and left eye cataract surgery
•Penile Implant
•Nissen fundoplication
•Multiple neural ablations
Then there are diseases which impacted me for days, weeks, months, or years, and can re-emerge at any time.
•Interstitial cystitis
•Benign positional vertigo
•Plantar fasciitis
•Bile acid malabsorption
•Prostate Cancer
•Sleep apnea
It’s simply amazing to me that as I write this, I’m on my exercise bike, doing my ten mile a day routine, and I’m able to enjoy my life, basking in God’s gracious hand.
Today my wife and I are planning a picnic in Knights Ferry, hoping to see the salmon swimming up stream.
God is good!
Rick Redner & his wife Brenda Redner authored two award winning books, both available on Amazon. They are:
I Left My Prostate in San Francisco-Where’s Yours?
Additionally, we share why we chose to seek professional help to save our marriage. Last but not least we provided a detailed account of how and why we went the penile implant route, and how that changed everything. This is a life changing book.
Don’t take my word for it, read the Amazon reviews.
The title of their second book is:
Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Erectile Dysfunction and Penile Implants
